Concerns about how children are being treated around ex’s new partner

[Parmaviolet1719]

Hi everyone. Not sure if this is the right forum for this, apologies if not. I’ve been separated two years, ex is in a relationship with someone else who has a 6 year old son. We have 2 daughters ages 5 and 8. Youngest has a genetic syndrome which causes various health issues including mobility issues.
Kids have just come back from a week away with their dad, his partner and her kid. They stayed somewhere with a triple bunk bed, and for some reason youngest was made to sleep in the middle bunk, despite not being able to climb in and out of it herself. She fell out. His partners son was in the bottom bunk despite being older and having no physical disability. Also, youngest was made to wear nappies overnight for the whole trip despite being fully potty trained and never having nighttime accidents. She’s made to wear them every time they stay at his partners house too. My concern is she is being singled out and ex’s girlfriends son is being prioritised over her. There has been a pattern of worrying behaviour with them both.
What can I do about this? He won’t be interested in a conversation about it as he’s very difficult and non-communicative. I want to get my concerns on the record in case this behaviour escalates, but something like calling Social Services feels too extreme.

Personally I’ve logged things with the school and the GP as well as put the children into therapy. I’ve explained to the therapist what I have seen and heard, and they are my eyes and ears and will take it further if something is disclosed. In the meantime they are able to support the children emotionally.

I’m told social services are unlikely to act if there is a safe parent (you).

You’re making massive assumptions.
Your child is equal to her child, not superior in their house, your child shouldn’t be treated better. They should be equals even if you think your child should be treated better.

@AloneMarried op’s child has special needs which are ignored to favour the new partner’s child and op’s child is degraded in their home. I expect these are just two examples but there will be many others.

What on earth are you talking about? I’m not making assumptions, I’m going off things I’ve actually been told by the children. At what point did I suggest I expect my children to be treated better than hers? They put the youngest, disabled child in a higher bunk that she couldn’t climb out of, and she fell. It’s basic common sense to put her at the bottom.

did she want to sleep in the higher bunk maybe?

No, my eldest daughter said they were told where to sleep. Youngest is easy going and wouldn’t have been worried about wanting to sleep higher up. If anything, she’d have been aware she wouldn’t be able to get herself in and out and wouldn’t have chosen that as she likes to be independent whenever possible. Hence why I find it so irritating, especially being put into nappies when she doesn’t need them.

Does she need help with toileting/ wake in the night so they think nappies help? I’m not condoning it, I just can’t work out why they’d do this as it seems really unfair. If it’s because of night toileting they need to wake up to help or get a nightlight and potty or something.

If you don’t, keep a diary log of what your DC have shared with you.

It seems really unlikely a young boy would want a bottom bunk in my experience. They usually like to be on the top or up high. Didn't your daughter ask her Dad why they had to sleep that way?

The nappy thing could be because she's had an accident at some point?

Are your daughters telling you they're uncomfortable there?

No, she sleeps through the night and can hold her pee in all night. No issues whatsoever on that front. I had no idea she was being put in nappies until very recently when my eldest mentioned it. The reason she gave was that my ex’s girlfriend doesn’t have a waterproof sheet. But that’s a cheap and easy purchase and isn’t an excuse to put her in nappies, as far as I’m concerned. She’s physically very small for her age because of her genetic condition, she’s almost 6 but looks about 3. As a result, she gets babied a lot by other children at school, and adults, which she finds quite upsetting. So forcing her unnecessarily into nappies is just going to upset her further. A diary is a good idea, thank you.

Yes I thought the same, but I’ve never met the partner or her son so don’t know anything about what sort of child he is.
She didn’t say if she questioned him about it. They’re pretty good kids so would probably have just done as they were told without questioning. I’m wary about questioning them too much about what happens when they’re with him, as I don’t want them to feel like they’re being grilled for information on him. And he gets quite nasty if he thinks I’m asking about anything, he recently sent me a “helpful” article which basically said I shouldn’t ask them anything about what they get up to at his place. In the past he’s gotten angry with me for asking simple things such as what did they have for dinner etc. I have to be careful about getting on the wrong side of him as he’s extremely malicious.

In terms of accidents, she’s never wet the bed ever since we stopped using nighttime nappies at my home. I don’t know if she’s had accidents with him, they’ve never mentioned it happening.

the nappies thing is unacceptable. You’ll have to say he shouldn’t do itbagain, and if he does then you’re youngest can’t stay overnight with him

that is not what the OP is saying. a child with a disability should have their needs accommodated and a 5 year old who is fully potty trained should not be put back in nappies.

If she does have accidents I’d expect it’s due to stress or anxiety. Could you put the children into family therapy? The therapist can probe more.

My guess would be that the 6 year old isn’t dry at night and so he was put in the bottom bunk (so they could easily change sheets) and that this is feeding into why your youngest is in nappies at theirs. Either purposely to make the 6 year old feel more comfortable, or accidentally because the girlfriend is doing all of the care and doesn’t know your kids.

This absolutely shouldn’t be the case, but my advice would be to build a relationship with the girlfriend and quietly say to her that your daughter would prefer not to have nappies at night because she’s been dry for a while, and ask if she needs you to send anything like a waterproof sheet to make that happen.

Being forced to wear a nappy is hardly equal is it