How long will it take to feel normal post separation?

[herethereandeverywhatnow]

I know this is a bit "how long is a piece of string" as it depends on sooo many factors, but for background I left my partner and moved out of the family home at the beginning of this month after many unhappy years (+emotional abuse). We have 2 young children (primary school age) who are mostly with me, but also spending weekend nights with him. I didn't see any way to do this other than to leave while he was away, and found a rented flat and did just that. A complicating factor is that he doesn't accept it's over, and is still waiting for me to "decide if it can be fixed" so I feel like I still need to tackle that awful conversation (again!!), which is really daunting.
But the first few weeks after I left it was the Easter holidays, I spent a fortune packing the children off to holiday clubs to give myself some time, and I got signed off work for stress, so there was no routine at all really. Given that we have moved to a small and shabby rented flat (from a v large house) there's been loads to do - I'm in total chaos as we brought far too much stuff, haven't fully unpacked, haven't got the right furniture etc but I've been doing bits and pieces when I feel up to it.
But although i didn't have the breakdown I thought i might after leaving I'm so tired, and spend a significant chunk of every day sitting unable to do anything (think: do a few emails then stare into space/at my phone for an hour). I started back to work this week (WFH for now) and it's been the same - I do a few bits and pieced then do nothing for a few hours. When the children eventually fall asleep at night I go straight from there to my bed, I rarely sit on the sofa and watch TV which was my previous habit (though one benefit is I've been reading lots more!).
Eating is the same - I love to cook, but have been mostly eating toast and biscuits, and cooking super basic stuff for the children. I have no idea how to food shop for the 3 of us (partner was super demanding and specific about what we ate, though I had to do all of the shopping/cooking).
The children are mostly doing OK, but the younger one is insisting on sharing a double bed with his sister every night (he is 5, she is 8) and hasn't slept in his own room yet. They were allowed to watch way too much TV in the holidays and too many snacks!
So I'm just wondering how long it took others to find their new normal? I think I'm just being hard on myself expecting to bounce right back, the children have only been back at school a few days, and I'll need to go to the office next week which is a whole new ball game too. But if you've managed to read this much please let me know how long you feel it took to find your feet after splitting!

Hi, please don’t stress. You’ll find your own rhythm in your own time. It’s all so raw and new. You’re doing amazingly well so just deal with surviving on a day to day basis and go with that.
The kids are fed, warm at night and secure with you. It doesn’t matter that you’re not feeding them Michelin star food.
A new routine will evolve over time and you’ll start feeling a but stronger some days but then you’ll have set backs other days and that’s ok. That’s normal.
No kid will ever complain that they’ve watched too much TV and eaten too many snacks!
Your body and mind are exhausted. Just carry on doing bits at a time.

I didn’t sleep properly for the first few months. I was riddled with anxiety. My weight dropped massively and I looked and felt dreadful. My 11 year old moved into my bed with me the day his dad left and he’s refuses to sleep in his own bed now. It is what it is. It won’t be forever and actually, we both sleep solidly! He doesn’t snore at all 🤣🤣 and he smells much nicer than my EXH!
I'm 10 months down the line now. Divorce is done and EXH has moved in with his affair partner. I’m in my new house that I bought with my share of the divorce. I’m still not the same and I don’t think I ever will be as my marriage ended suddenly and with lots of betrayal and trauma. It takes time to heal but I’m catching up with friends, watching TV (I rarely watched it) spending time with my son and planning holidays with family.
Keep reiterating to your ex that it’s over and he will eventually get the message. It may get messy at some point but by then, you’ll be so much stronger and ready to deal with the shit.
Good luck OP. You’ve got this 🫶 xx

Thank you @Dogmum45for your kind words (I can only assume many people on this board are in the early stages and also not feeling ok or normal yet?!). I’m so sorry you went through what you did, and I imagine things are so different depending on how it ended (in my case I planned for this for literally years, whereas my partner was absolutely shocked and had no idea it was coming / which I feel awful about by the way, despite the fact that it was essentially his doing…). For the first week or 2 I actually slept better than I had in months (when I clinging to the edge of the bed hoping he wouldn’t come near me,
and running through the scenarios of how to leave) but now I’m starting to have disturbed sleep again, and last night I stayed up way too late just scrolling on my phone and feel wrecked today, so I’m not doing myself any favours.
I think I’m underestimating the impact of the last few (or 6?!) years on my
body and kind and just expecting to be happy now that I’ve got out. It still honestly feels temporary and surreal and I really need to have some therapy or counselling as I’m still just blocking out most of my feelings which was my way of coping when things were so bad at home. Anyway the children are with their dad this weekend so I’m going to a yoga class today and will do what I can to chip away at the to do list today, as the state of my environment is getting me down too I think.
thank you again for your kindness and wishing you a calm and peaceful weekend.

I am not sure you ever find the new normal, at least for many years.

I split 2 years ago and initially as she was living with her mum for 3 months, had the kids pretty much full time for that. Stayed in the house too so almost little change. Was busy dating too. When she got her place and went 50/50 thats when it hit.

Only seeing kids half the time was tough. Things like holidays different. Cooking for just me was not as good as cooking for 4 of us. Being reminded to places we had been etc...

I am mixed - on one hand I am still gutted as we are not a family and its impacted the kids. It's also a bad relationship (we have not spoken since Xmas, all comms through kids). We could have both been better off had we stayed and worked things out, nicer holidays etc, getting the kids a better car etc... BUT I am 100x happier without her and didnt realise some of the EA I was getting. I do have a new normal and most times I am happy with it.

2 things I can suggest - find time for new hobbies, friends, even dating... also (as I am sentimental old git), I confronted places I had good memories with us as a family and went to them to get that initial upset out my system. Rather than think "last time I was here we had a great family day out" it was last time I was here I was with x person or solo

This is normal when you split up.

The first thing you need to do is completely close the door on his “hopes”

When you have done that you can start to rebuild.

I think it’s a year to feel considerably better. Although you will start to feel less bad. A counselor gave me that advice and it seems about write. Look after yourself in the meantime

It takes time, and it’s also not linear - sometimes you feel ok and settled, then you go back a few steps and feel like crap. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and accept that it will take time.

Thank you so much everyone, am kind of laughing at myself for thinking 3 weeks was a long time when perhaps it’s going to take a year! And @Brotteryou are absolutely right, I know that having his hopes of a resolution hanging over me are not doing anybody any good and I need to deal with this sooner rather than later.
on the up side the children have been with him this weekend and instead is us all meeting and spending time together as had happened up to now, I’ve been strict about boundaries. I’ve been using the time to go to some yoga classes, build flat pack furniture I’ve bought to try and make sense of the chaos, and clean some filthy corners of the flat… so little by little I’m getting some things done. I think living under the demands of somebody who expects everything to be kept on top of all of the time (mess, laundry, sorting stuff out) but took no personal responsibility for is going to take some time to unravel. It’s ok to leave the dishwasher to unload or load later, nobody is going to yell at me for the mess anymore! That in itself feels so weird… but I guess eventually I’ll figure out if it’s important to me, versus me doing what I had to do to keep the peace.