Wife wants to end marriage I want to reconcile, advice please

[DoGoodDooby]

I’m after opinions from those that have been through similar. We’ve been together 17 and married 10 years in a close family unit, 2 kids under 8. We have a good and comfortable life and relationship with the usual struggles and challenges of busy family life, recently (last 9 months) wife has felt unhappy and searched for answers. She Tried various things with quitting job and getting another, new hobby and exercise until some brief counselling and then discovered feelings that I might not be the one for her and feels that she’s lost romantic love (still cares for me and loves me as best friend and father). She’s gone straight to I want to end the marriage and separate immediately, sell the house live etc. live separate lives. She admits she only had the realisation couple weeks before she told me and this is the first time she’s told me although she had mentioned wanting more affection/feeling unloved at one point in this time.
she’s refused couples counselling and any form of dating or reconciliation but both of us gone into our own counselling. I’m devastated and told her many times how I feel about her, I love her dearly and am willing to do a lot myself to have a second chance. We both haven’t prioritised our relationship during the past 2 years and haven’t showed each other much affection and intimacy and spent much quality time together.

She’s moving out to a rental house soon for a trial separation, splitting childcare and finances and I’m trying to be the best loving husband and tackling every behaviour improvement mentioned during our many recent conversations.

feel hopeless that I can’t do anything but let her go and support her best I can to rip everything apart and's hope she feels at some point like giving us a second chance. Any comments or advice from those who did similar and came back (or not) what am I best to do?

You won’t want to hear this but it’s done. Gone. For her there is too much water under the bridge and the prospect of being separate will feel more comfortable and optimistic than “going back” to something which she now views as painful.

I think as a general rule, if a woman calls time, it’s been all over bar the shouting, for ages and the husband has underestimated how miserable she’s been.

Im very sorry, this must be painful for you.

It takes two for the marriage to work. If she's checked out there's not a lot you can do but accept it. Do your best for the children they'll be so confused when she goes.

For now, just accept it and focus on the children. She might change her mind at some point but not if you smother her with talk of counselling etc. Leave her to do her own thinking.

Sounds like she has been planning this for a while given the moving out.

Has she potentially had her head turned ?

Cherchez l’homme!

It takes 2 so probably done with. I am sure this will annoy many on here but is menopause/peri menopause in play here. I swear thats the primary reason mine failed and few close friends - nothing really wrong but just wanted a change of scenery. I guess it used to be caused mid life crisis and I have also known a few guys to do similar.

I think once the focus of getting a family and getting kids to an age where they dont need you as much changes your mindset. Best thing you can do is work out what you will do - from childcare to finances etc.

Maybe she finds you a bit repetitive:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5322203-perfect-on-paper-but-wife-has-a-feeling

Sounds like she doesn't know what is making her unhappy and is frantically stabbing at things in order to make herself happy, and that includes you as a target.

Since she changed jobs and did all these other things that also didn't make her happy.

I had a similar situation and was dumped many years ago, and being told she thinks "I don't love her any more" or "I don't show her enough affection". The first one was untrue, but due to tiredness there was for sure some truth to the 2nd. However, was I unwilling to work on it? No, I was happy to work on it but being a new parent makes that really hard to do sometimes and so there was no convincing her. I was the problem, and I needed to go she determined.

While I've been happy on my own, my ex has had maybe 2 new relationships, one of which my daughter says "were arguing" - similar to our situation and certainly aligns with the blame game she tried to appropriate to me as "making her unhappy" and claiming everything I was doing was the problem.

Even after she was done with me, she wasn't done lambasting me for things I decided as a parent when our daughter was with me, even though these were minor things and my own responsibility.

It sounds to me like you won't be able to help this person to find out why they're unhappy and you won't be able to make them happy as they'll always be searching for something outside of themselves to make them happy.

I tried the same with my ex, to suggest counselling so that we could work on our issues for the best of our daughter. It all fell on deaf ears and I was told "it's too late for that" even though the problems weren't apparent to me until the end and she could have initiated it herself.

It was clear that this person didn't want to be with me. It was clear they were more interested in what I could provide financially and didn't want to actually know me other than that.

If I were you, I would let them leave if they want to leave, it's possible they could realise they do actually want you, but by then you might have moved on and found someone else. When you do split, make sure you make it a split and don't try to "be nice" by giving more than what you are legally required and as any child needs require in the hope this will make the situation better. Have some dignity and let them leave, and let them be by themselves as they want it.

In sitations like these, you have to consider "what if they'd died" - say if they were in an accident. You'd not have a choice over them not being there any more, so letting them go if they want to go is the best way to go.

Thanks all for your thoughts. She’s moving out soon so I’m just supporting as much as I can with that. She may be open to couples counselling and may not as well as has changed her mind several times. It feels that to me you should try all avenues especially when the relationship has been great, you have s as young family and you both realise that you’ve not given the relationship all the love it needs recently. I guess we’ve all got our threshold as to what we’d do to keep a partner and family and hers is lower than mine.

She’s ‘battling’ a feeling she discovered whilst going through some individual therapy recently. For me, isn’t that when you really try in your marriage and acknowledge it’s a really tough point? I really won’t be able to do anything shortly other than leave her to it though and get on with preparing for the worst, looking after the children through all of this whilst still open and hoping for the best.

An update. 10 weeks into this hell I described above and I find on her phone today evidence of an affair that’s been going on the whole time. What an absolute idiot I was. So there you go woman as bad as men in this case. Weirdly she’s now not wanting to move out and wants to try again??!

So she still hasn’t moved out?
did she have an affair, decide she wanted to end marriage and make things more official with him, he suddenly got cold feet at this, and so now she’s still living with you and wants to try again.
I really think you should seperate.

Marriages do get over affairs. At this stage of life it really isn’t uncommon to have your head turned and feel dissatisfied. Mumsnet tells everyone to split up … but if you want your marriage then fight for it!!!

So sorry OP. Does she know you know?

Yes she does. Completely different and very sorry wife on my hands who is admittedly struggling with the concept of physically letting the affair go and also wanting to consider reconciliation with me. Red lines and boundaries stated and we’ll see how sorry she is as to what I do next. Going to be a further long road I guess.

I'm sorry to hear this. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, she should have broken it off a long time ago and left you alone.

A lot of the time the blame is deflected from the person doing the harm onto the innocent, and then the innocent person can then start to act out in ways due to having been made feel worthless or to blame.

She can't make her mind up clearly from the constant changing of goals, that isn't stable at all and not fair on you, and then to top it off she went behind your back so you will now hold resentment even if you feel like you can forgive her the trust is broken you will forever be wondering if she will do it again or what next changes are in store.

It seems she is unstable and only considers you as an option.

if she loved you, she wouldn’t be having an affair. Simples.

Even if she files for divorce, and it only takes one party saying the marriage has irreparably broken down since 2022, it doesn’t need others consent, once the interim order is made (old decree nisi) there is a 26 week wait period before she/you can apply for final order (old decree absolute). That is the “cooling off” period . A chance to be sure it is what you want before applying for the legal end to marriage.

there is no point trying to stop her moving out. She may wait then before applying for divorce. She might not. You might decide after sometime to initiate it yourself so legal and financial stuff is sorted. But this cooling off period even at that point, is designed to allow people to live with their decison to end the marriage, and ensure it is truely the right thing for them.

you do need to let the process follow through. You can’t do anything to stop her.

one thing that may help you is to look at the “grief pathway”. You’re are gireiving for a “loss” , your marriage,your partner, the future you thought you had. The grief pathway may help you to recongnise all this you describe is very much part of that grief, very normal at this stage, and help you work towards accepting the changes that are happening.