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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Am I the Idiot?

5 replies

AmITheIdiot · 25/04/2025 02:22

Met a man basically right as he separated from his wife, they have children together. I liked him but I wasn't keen on the circumstances so I denied his advances for half a year, maybe a little more. He has been separated 2.5 years now, young kids under 10y/old. 6mths after meeting, we became a couple properly. At first he was great, very invested, open to the future with me re marriage, kids, a life together. 2 years together now, he and the (ex) wife still own a house together, share divorce/bills and divorce not filled, and only sees children for maybe 15 hours a week. He would like more but ex has said no. I feel like I'm at him constantly to sort this situation out, move forward, get in a position to be able to plan a proper life together. More recently, he isn't interested in this future with me, he'll say he doesn't want; to live together, more kids with me, or to get re married. This isn't what I signed up for, and feel as if he has pulled the rug out from under me by taking these things off the table after I've already invested myself in a future with him. When I bring it up, he becomes frustrated and ends the relationship stating he doesn't want XYZ (children, marriage), but comes back days/weeks later saying he loves me and we can make it work. Then another disagreement happens and the cycle repeats where he throws in these huge NO's. I'm so confused, he says he loves me, but he doesn't appear to want a "real" relationship with me that involves any commitment or responsibility. His separation has been hard, and I understand that and have witnessed, but he pursued me and I make it clear I didn't want this. Should I let him walk away? My gut tell me this he is not ready and needs to be alone to process the life change further, but I love him so much I don't know how to let go. What should I do?

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 25/04/2025 02:25

Yeah this sounds like a disaster, id let him go and find a man to build a family with if that's what you are looking for.

YourKindPeachMaker · 25/04/2025 06:12

No wonder you’re confused, he’s giving you mixed messages. His words say alternatively yes and no, his actions consistently say no.
Actions trump words. Get rid because this is a lost cause.
You’re not an idiot, it’s hard x

ItsMutinyontheBunty · 25/04/2025 06:19

Makes me think of a song lyric (Ladykiller by Lush) ‘He only had to have me cos I put up a fight’. Sounds like he enjoyed the thrill of the chase. He’s showing you who he is. I’d say, for your own sanity, walk away.

Lurkingandlearning · 25/04/2025 06:45

He doesn’t love you because he shuts down a big part of what you actually are, the things that are important to you. He loves spending time with you so long as that is free from any of life’s big commitments. Things that, for better or worse, he has experienced but expects you to miss out on for the pleasure of coasting along with him.

A lot of people have “filler” relationships after a long relationship ends. Perhaps unconsciously, but that doesn’t change the fact that the other person is basically company while they come to terms with the end of that relationship and work out what they want from the future.

But he knows what you want and he is doing the decent thing when he ends it. I think it’s the discomfort of being alone that makes him draw you back in with the vague idea that you can make it work. He’s vague because what he means is he wants you around while he makes things work for him. That is really selfish. You’re wasting your valuable time with him

unsync · 25/04/2025 08:20

You are wasting your life and fertility with this one. Find someone who actually cares about you, this one doesn't, only himself. He's obviously not wanting to be alone which is why he latched on to you so soon after his marriage ended and begs to try again each time you break up. This will be your life until you realise you deserve better and dump him for good.

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