Did anyone else struggle to 'justify' their separation to themself, even though the reasons were obvious?

Babysteps123 · 2025-04-24T21:27:45+00:00

My son's dad and I are not compatible. We have been together for 8 years during which time I have had to work so hard to try to make things work at the expense of my emotional wellbeing and, more recently, my physical health (through being very run down etc, no violence). In November I said I wanted to separate and he agreed, we are living together still but working towards separating fully. We are not married. My issue is that I am really struggling to allow myself to go ahead and actually separate, despite knowing it's for he best. There is no deep love between us, although there's some fondness, and being around him often feels like walking on eggshells. In spite of this, whenever he's not in a bad mood I gaslight myself into thinking that I should be making this work for the sake of my 5 year old son. Just to be clear, there really is no healthy future for us together, but it's like I can't fully accept that my emotional needs are worthy of this kind of upheaval. Has anyone else dealt with similar feelings and overcome them?

TheSilentSister · 24/04/2025 23:11

You have got yourself into a tight situation there.

So, who owns the house, who is on the rental agreement/

MidnightScroller · 25/04/2025 05:11

Yes I’m the same. Divorce has been on the cards for years - he thrown it at me in arguments for probably a decade. Complains about everything, flies off the handle out of the blue. But charming and great dad when he wants to be, also works away so impact lessened. I’ve tried everything to maximise the good bits and help him sort out his MH or whatever issues prevent him just being nice to us all the time. After another weekend of vile messages and silent treatment I’ve said that’s it. He agreed and we’ve told the kids (tweens, quite wise, initially upset but seem ok so far, bar the uncertainty about where they’ll be living).
Now he’s playing the victim saying he doesn’t want it and it’s “my” divorce.
Im worrying it’s going to be awful and I should just put up with it. He earns well, can be lovely, kids mostly like him being around. How can I justify this upheaval and disruption?
But at the same time he’s impossible to live with - throws tantrums about absolutely nothing and has us on eggshells on a weekly basis - usually Friday which leads to a weekend of sulking. Mostly out of earshot of the kids but not always.
Argh. I feel your pain OP!

trailblazer42 · 25/04/2025 07:05

Yes, and it took me nine months of counselling and two attempts to finish things before I actually left. Since then it’s been nearly six months of begging me to come back and another six months of me dealing with that. It’s cost me £45 a week but the bigger picture has been worth it and I’ve finally filed for divorce

Strictlyfan74 · 26/04/2025 07:56

I also want to suggest counselling if possible. It wasn’t til I said everything out loud to a neutral person that I realised how I’d been living for so long. She was great at getting me to realise that things were definitely not okay and you only have one life to live, but I wasted more than 25 yrs. You also get worn down and ‘used’ to it and therefore have less strength but you have to dig deep and find it. You are allowed to say ‘this is not for me’. Your son deserves 2 happy parents, and you are not happy and it will only get worse. Don’t wait and regret it any longer than you have to. Also the feeling of relief when you wake up and realise your life is your own again is amazing….you walk on carpet not eggshells!! Good luck OP

Original poster

Babysteps123 · 27/04/2025 07:54

Strictlyfan74 · 26/04/2025 07:56

I also want to suggest counselling if possible. It wasn’t til I said everything out loud to a neutral person that I realised how I’d been living for so long. She was great at getting me to realise that things were definitely not okay and you only have one life to live, but I wasted more than 25 yrs. You also get worn down and ‘used’ to it and therefore have less strength but you have to dig deep and find it. You are allowed to say ‘this is not for me’. Your son deserves 2 happy parents, and you are not happy and it will only get worse. Don’t wait and regret it any longer than you have to. Also the feeling of relief when you wake up and realise your life is your own again is amazing….you walk on carpet not eggshells!! Good luck OP

I love that -you walk on carpet not eggshells! Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your experience.
I am in counselling, which has got me to this point. She's very good, but it's me that has to push everything over the line, and that's what I'm finding hard.
Also, we haven't told our son yet, and that's a huge source of stress for me (he's only 5, but very switched on and I'm dreading it) but I'm putting it off because I don't want to do it 'wrong'. [Ok, actually typing this out has helped me to see that not having told our son is one of the worst aspects of this for me. That's something tangible that I can do something about, so I will get on to that. ]
Thanks again for your input x

OP posts:

Original poster

Babysteps123 · 27/04/2025 07:56

trailblazer42 · 25/04/2025 07:05

Yes, and it took me nine months of counselling and two attempts to finish things before I actually left. Since then it’s been nearly six months of begging me to come back and another six months of me dealing with that. It’s cost me £45 a week but the bigger picture has been worth it and I’ve finally filed for divorce

I do see a counsellor and she's very helpful. It's just so hard to make it all a reality (as you know). Well done for persisting and getting out of your relationship, I know I will also get there in the end.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babysteps123 · 27/04/2025 08:04

MidnightScroller · 25/04/2025 05:11

Yes I’m the same. Divorce has been on the cards for years - he thrown it at me in arguments for probably a decade. Complains about everything, flies off the handle out of the blue. But charming and great dad when he wants to be, also works away so impact lessened. I’ve tried everything to maximise the good bits and help him sort out his MH or whatever issues prevent him just being nice to us all the time. After another weekend of vile messages and silent treatment I’ve said that’s it. He agreed and we’ve told the kids (tweens, quite wise, initially upset but seem ok so far, bar the uncertainty about where they’ll be living).
Now he’s playing the victim saying he doesn’t want it and it’s “my” divorce.
Im worrying it’s going to be awful and I should just put up with it. He earns well, can be lovely, kids mostly like him being around. How can I justify this upheaval and disruption?
But at the same time he’s impossible to live with - throws tantrums about absolutely nothing and has us on eggshells on a weekly basis - usually Friday which leads to a weekend of sulking. Mostly out of earshot of the kids but not always.
Argh. I feel your pain OP!

Thank you for replying and sharing your story. So sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. Isn't it crazy how childish grown adults can be, with their sulking and tantrums etc? It's so unhealthy and, in my case at least, my STBX has no real understanding of the impact that his moods and behaviour have on others. I know it all stems from his awful childhood, which has been one of the reasons that I have stayed as long as I have, constantly making excuses for him and feeling compassionate towards his circumstances. BUT he won't get any help and I'm now trying to shift the compassion on to myself, I hope you can do the same.
And I hope that this weekend has not been a 'sulky one'. x

OP posts:

Allthewallsarewhite · 27/04/2025 10:01

Babysteps123 · 27/04/2025 08:04

Thank you for replying and sharing your story. So sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. Isn't it crazy how childish grown adults can be, with their sulking and tantrums etc? It's so unhealthy and, in my case at least, my STBX has no real understanding of the impact that his moods and behaviour have on others. I know it all stems from his awful childhood, which has been one of the reasons that I have stayed as long as I have, constantly making excuses for him and feeling compassionate towards his circumstances. BUT he won't get any help and I'm now trying to shift the compassion on to myself, I hope you can do the same.
And I hope that this weekend has not been a 'sulky one'. x

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Yes that's exactly it, about the moods and behaviours. And I've had so much compassion and forgiveness for him, but as my family had told me, where is the compassion for myself?
It seems so hard to shift it to me instead, I guess somewhere deep down I feel that I don't need it and he does? But essentially that means I'm willing to sacrifice my years to him and I shouldn't.

Anyway we have broken up about 2 months now, but he's only been not a prominent presence in my life for 2 weeks.. like yours he's not accepting it so I'll need to have the convo again 😞. But don't feel ready for it.