Ex "D" P ignoring requests to agree financial settlement

[GreenwayHouse]

Help!
I've posted before about my horrible ex. He stopped talking to me in August, then, after I'd pressed him a few times to tell me what was wrong, exploded at me in early December with a list of ten (irrational) reasons why I'm The Worst Person In The World. A few more weeks of him ignoring and avoiding me and I eventually said 'right, we're agreed we're separating then' because I was so sick of it all. (To add that this was three weeks after I came out of hospital after I was admitted with something quite serious. He left me to go abroad two days after I was admitted. Yet I am an awful person who makes him very unhappy and I didn't prioritise him etc etc even though I was caring for two ill relatives last year.)

We share a house and he needs to buy me out as I can't afford to stay here. He's moved out temporarily and I'm going to move back into a rental house I have and he's trying to go after a share of it (long story but he has no claim on it though he thinks he has). I'm going to be significantly worse off when I leave whereas he has other rental houses and it's going to make barely a dent on his finances. I'm gutted at having to leave the home we built together.

I sent him a proposal for a settlement five weeks ago. Didn't hear back. Messaged a week later asking when I might get an answer. He said he was seeing a solicitor two weeks later and would get back to me. That was two weeks ago today. I messaged again first thing this morning asking when I might be hearing back (not even what the response might be but just when I might get an answer). I need to get my rental house remortgaged (it's on a buy to let) and need to know what figure he's going to agree to so I know what my financial situation is. I can't get my house remortgaged or book a holiday or plan anything until I hear what he's going to agree to because my financial situation is going to very stretched.

Still no answer to my message this morning. This means I'm going to have to leave it another few days before messaging again and then it will look like I'm harassing him.

I had a half hour free consultation with a solicitor a few weeks ago and am wondering whether I now just need to engage her to write to him.

Any advice/previous experience would be appreciated. He wanted to end things, he wants me out of the house and he's said he's moving back in in early August whether we've agreed to a settlement or not, yet he's ignoring my requests to sort out the finances. I'm finding any contact with him really stressful and waiting is causing me a lot of anxiety. I just want it agreed and I want him out of my life.

Sorry it's long. Thanks in advance.

Gosh that sounds like a horrible situation. How long was the marriage? Just be prepared that if it’s over 5 years (including co-habiting) then all your rental properties will be included in the ‘pot’ to be split. I would get the ball rolling by booking a Mediation session, they will invite him to get things started. You will need to do this before applying to court anyway. You’ve tried to be nice and he won’t engage. This is just allowing him more time to dissipate assets or potentially hide things. Also be prepared for a long road ahead. I’m at the 2 year mark due to financials and still not sorted. Good luck OP

Thanks @Strictlyfan74
We weren't married but were together 9 years. He complained that I wouldn't marry him as yet another piece of evidence as to how I'm a terrible person but he must be glad we're not as otherwise I could go after a share of his pension and his rental houses.

It should have been fairly straightforward in that we just needed to agree on the equity in the house so that he can buy me out but he's being a complete ar$e, and decided he would go after a share of the one asset I have (that I'll be moving back into). My solicitor advised that he has no claim on that at all but he thinks he has so I think that's why he went to see a solicitor. He's obviously going to dispute some of what I put in the financial settlement.

It sounds like I might have to go down the mediation route. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll investigate that - thank you for the reply. Much appreciated.

I'm assuming you are not married even though above pp thinks you are.

Get a solicitor to get him to acknowledge whether he intends to buy you out and his proof of funds, or it needs to go on open market. If he refuses get your solicitor to ask the court to force a sale. A judge can decide on its value and sign the contracts on your Exs behalf. It's expensive but it can be done.

While you have access get at least three different estate agents in for valuations, purely because he could refuse entry once you've gone.

Just hold fast. He has no claim on your personal property whatever he thinks, and him moving back in shouldnt be a problem to you. He'll soon start negotiating if you disengage, including housework and house maintenance, once he realises you aren't going to be a pushover.

Thank you. I've done all of that and he agreed on a house value. So that's all sorted. But there were a few other things that needed taking into account which I put into a financial settlement proposal. Really fed off that he's dragging his feet on this when he wanted out and he wants me out of the house. He's going on an amazing holiday later on in the year that a relative is paying for too and I'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to afford a holiday until I hear back from him.

Thank you. The thought of him moving back into the house is unbearable. I have been so hurt by the way that he's treated me that I can't bear to be around him and would prefer to have zero contact with him. Him saying he was going to move back in in early August whether we've agreed a settlement or not (this was a few weeks ago) sounded really threatening.

I honestly don't know what's happened to him.

Is his agreement of the value in writing or verbal?

But there were a few other things that needed taking into account which I put into a financial settlement proposal.
Is this the bit that's causing him to backtrack on the house? If so get a mediator in for this part. I'm assuming the value is a lot less then the house and therefore it might be worth accepting a loss on this part just so you can get the house sold and finally get your freedom.

He agreed the value of the house in an email. A neighbour is selling his house - same kind as ours - and has had two offers so we know we can get that for ours (and apparently ours is a bit smarter). He did initially try to go for a figure £30k lower but has accepted the higher figure now.

I think he was seeing a solicitor because he was trying to go after a share of my rental house. He hasn’t got a leg to stand on where that’s concerned though and I hope his solicitor would have told him this. Quite why it’s taking him so long to respond though, I don’t know.

Why did you move out of your joint home, as he's not living there you could be, and making some income from your rental property.

I think you need to get a solicitor involved to help to unpick the relationship as you share a house.

You wrote that there are other minor matters in your settlement offer to him - could they be holding things up? Can you drop them and just go for your share of the proceeds of house and joint contents?

Thanks @Yellowdresses
I haven’t moved out. The plan is that I’ll be moving back into my rental house when my tenants’ contract is up in a few months’ time. I was going to leave as he initially thought we could live in the house together until I move out but I was finding it unbearable. Then he offered to move in with a friend for a few months, I think out of guilt.

The other minor matters are in his favour really, eg he wants a share of the stamp duty that he paid when we moved in which I’ve agreed to (despite my solicitor saying I’m not obliged to do this). So I’m not sure why he’s not replied as he’s doing pretty well out of all of it.

Sorry OP, I misunderstood.

Hope you get it sorted soon, glad he moved out.

So 24 hours on from when I sent a short, polite message asking when I’m likely to hear back, I’ve heard nothing. I’m not even asking him what his response will be-just when I might hear. I’ve sent a follow up just now saying that, if I haven’t heard by the end of Tuesday, I’m going to make an appointment with a mediator. I heard from a mutual friend that he’s away over the weekend so I know he won’t be replying then. I can’t afford to wait much longer. No idea why he’s being so cr@p about it all.

You don’t need you over complicate this as you weren’t married.

You don’t need to engage solicitors as you are each only entitled to a share of the house you purchased together.

Rental properties, pensions, savings etc aren’t shared assets in this case as you weren’t married so neither of you have a claim.

When you bought the house how did you split the ownership? As Joint Tenants (equal ownership) or Tenants in Common (defined shares)?

As your ex is refusing to engage you need to take the matter to court to force the sale.

Thanks @NorthernSpirit
Not overcomplicating it (I don’t think) anyway. We signed up to a 68/32 split in the equity when we signed the mortgage agreement. But I only found that out a few weeks ago and have been paying 50% of everything since we moved in together. I’m not going after any of his assets, pension etc but he is trying to go after a share of my rental house, for reasons I don’t want to go into here in case it’s outing.

I sent him a proposal which is massively in his favour. He is also very financially comfortable and earns more than me so none of it will make a dent in his finances. I will be hugely worse off.

I’ve messaged him saying that, if I don’t hear back from him by Tuesday, I’m going to make an appointment with a mediator. I need to get my other house remortgaged in a few months as the mortgage term is coming to an end and it’s a buy to let. Until I know what money I might get I can’t proceed with that.

If you agreed a ‘Tenants in Common’ share of 68:32 - then that’s what you are both entitled to get. No going after fees / stamp duty share. You don’t need to offer him anything else. It’s very simple.

He can ‘try’ to go after your rental property but won’t have a leg to stand on. Let him waste his time & money. Remember a solicitor will put anything in a letter a paying client tells them to.

I wouldn’t waste your time & money on mediation (this is only applicable for married couples) and try to engage him anymore.

Just fill in the application form & take it straight to court and a judge will force the sale.

Thanks @NorthernSpirit

He wants to stay in our house so it should have been fairly straightforward in that we agree a figure and he buys me out. But he's just ignoring any correspondence from me now. I didn't want to have to force the sale because he wants to move back into the house.

My solicitor advised that I didn't have to give him a share of the stamp duty (which he paid) but I offered to pay half as I was trying to be nice.

As we signed up for a 68/32 split but I've been paying 50% of the mortgage, bills and all house improvements (which alone came to £24k), I asked for a bit of extra money to cover my share of the 50%. We obviously signed up for that based on the share of the house that he put in in the first place and then promptly forgot because I've been scrupulous about paying 50% of everything since we moved in together 7 years ago. But he could say 'tough - you signed up to 32% so that's all you're getting'.

I also owe him some money from something else - which I've deducted from the equity - and he is disputing that as he wants a share of my rental house rather than me repaying the money (but he has no claim on that).

What's galling is that he is very financially comfortable, has other rental houses and earns more than me. I'll be losing my rental house income because I'm moving back into it and I'm really stressed about my financial position.

I don't understand why he's ignoring me and is making this so hard. Even if he's going through his solicitor, it would be helpful if he could just say 'you'll be hearing from my solicitor' and then I'd sit back and wait. But I've heard nothing.

He's ignoring you because you keep offering to give him more and more. Just stop.

Go back to what was signed/split originally in the beginning as that is what you are legally entitled to. Start the ball rolling regarding the sale. Tell him explicitly that the house will go in the open market in June if he doesn't provide proof of funds and engage solicitors. It needs be exchanged within 2 months or it's back to being on the open market.

I also owe him some money from something else - which I've deducted from the equity
Don't deduct it. You can pay him immediately afterwards from the equity (via the solicitors so it is legally seen as paid off) but you keep everything squeaky clean and separate the debt from the house to avoid him denying you have paid it.

Put on your business head, keep everything clear. He is not your friend anymore and is deliberately trying to hurt you by playing games. Shut it down.

Thanks @INeedAnotherName
To be clear, I'm not offering him more and more. I've sent him one proposal only in which I said I would take the 32% split of the equity but I asked him for more to compensate me for the 50% I've paid of everything. He could say no to this and say that we signed up to a 68/32 and that's all I'm getting, which would mean I'm significantly worse off.

He wants to go for a fifth of the value of my rental house (for reasons I won't go into here) and I think that's why he consulted a solicitor. But hopefully they gave him the same advice as mine did which is that he has no claim on it whatsoever.

I've asked him when I'm likely to get a reply and he's stonewalling me. I need to get my house remortgaged soon and I can't do that without knowing whether I can pay any of it off from the equity.

I contacted a mediation service and they said they will only work with people where both parties are willing participants. As he's not responding to me at all, I can't say he's a willing participant. I've messaged him saying that, if I don't hear back by the end of Tuesday, I'm going to have to make an appointment with my solicitor to discuss next steps. But unfortunately that will cost me a lot of money.

The other thing that's occurred to me is that he's going to drag it out until I move out and he moves back in. And if we haven't reached an agreement by then and I stop paying the mortgage, I might start to lose my claim on the house. I'll be paying two mortgages which will be really difficult. If that's what he's doing, then he's more of a bastard than I gave him credit for.

What would happen if you just stop paying your share of the mortgage when he moves back in?

Hi @MadeForThis I'm worried that it would mean I would lose any claim on the house. I'm not sure and am probably going to have to speak to a solicitor about it. I'd thought/hoped we'd have got the settlement sorted out by then and it would all be fine but he's just not responding to me at all now so I have no idea what he's thinking in terms of the settlement. It's not very helpful!

There seems to be lots of extra bits and bobs involved in your settlement so a solicitor would be a good idea.
Why on earth you were 'trying to be nice' by offering him half the stamp duty god only knows. You can't seem to afford it so why would you do it? Are you a fool?
He seems to be dragging things out to put you in a difficult position re the two mortgages. He knows he's in a better financial position so it's no skin off his nose. You'll notice he doesn't feel the need to be nice to you!

Get a solicitor.

I honestly don't know what's happened to him.

Stop trying to figure him out and realise he's become a total bastard in any dealings with you.

So you need to get in touch with your inner woman warrior.

It's shit OP I know. Same as when a man walks out leaving you (me!) holding the baby.

He is no longer on your team. Probably away at play with another woman. Sorry to say it, don't let him get away with it refusing to deal with the practical things.

Be thankful you are not tied emotionally for life for such a loser.

Sending you strength.