Any tips to cope with CAO variation application?

[TrickyExHelp]

Hi all - I usually consider myself to be a fairly strong person but I’m not coping well at the moment 😢. In a nutshell, my ex has taken me back to court to vary the CAO for our kids. The current CAO has been in place for over 5yrs and the children are fine with it.

Nothing to do with the circumstances of the conditions for the initial CAFCASS-recommended CAO have changed. The same reasons given in the Section 7 report by CAFCASS as to why I came out with a ‘lives with’ order still stand.

I’m feeling down because no matter what the outcome is, I’ll lose out financially. If everything stays the same and I ‘win’, I’ll have paid out nearly £20,000 (solicitor + Barrister) for nothing. If I lose the case, then I’ll have wasted my money fighting for nothing. It’s eating away at me and I just feel hopeless. I can’t just give in as the proposed changes will be very rubbish for the children childhoods and I’m in no psychological shape to try and be a LIP (I continue to suffer with post-separation abuse from the ex). I’ve got no spare money to take the kids on holiday and the savings that I was putting aside for their future has been spent on court costs. It’s the same for my ex - it’s hitting him financially too - but he’s not showing any signs of backing down.

Everything feels very bleak. I’ll be crippled financially for years due to these court fees. Any tips for keeping my chin up and carrying on?

What is it currently?

what is he proposing?

Could you compromise and do the solicitor role yourself and just use a barrister? That’s what I did. If my ex took me back again I’d do LIP as I know half his motivation was to cripple me financially.

there is an excellent book. Family court without a lawyer: a handbook for LIP by Lucy reed.

have you kept any evidence of the continued abuse?

how old are the children? They may be old enough to have their wishes taken I to account

Difficult to comment without knowing the reason for original order, what he has vs what he’s requesting.

how old are your children?

Can you self represent? I did 3 times in family court and honestly it’s not as scary as it seems x

Sorry just seen you said you’re not in a place to self represent. Believe me you are!! I went into the first one so beaten down and in a way it boosted me up for the others actually doing it myself! I paid for an hour with a decent solicitor and she was lovely, she helped me so much and really gave me the confidence to do it myself. It’s a horrible process and makes you question everything you do as a parent but as long as you put the children first and leave any of your feelings out of it (hard I know)then it really does help xx

Thanks for your kind words everyone. My ex wants 50/50 shared care (he didn’t get this the last time we were in court for the same reasons that remain the same now).

i knew he would take to back to court one day and had intended to be a LIP when the time came but I just can’t do it. It takes me days, sometimes a week, to open emails from my solicitor about the case because I’m so petrified. I just want it to all go away 😢. They’re expensive but I’ve got a lovely legal team who seem to be genuinely sympathetic to my plight (they represented me the first time around and know exactly what kind of man my ex is). All the post-separation abuse has been documented and reported to the police where necessary.

That old chestnut, the 50/50, so he doesn’t have to pay any maintenance.
My ex tried this over and over again, the Court blocked further applications.
You can do it OP, you know you can.
As my mate said to me the other day ‘you need to go full on Mumma bear’: don’t let him do it to them or you.

Find a Family Law firm that do Legal Aid. The firm I'm with do.

Criteria:
In receipt of UC
Proven victim of DA - evidence required.

Average legal aid cert for Family proceedings is £25,000

Good luck

I was going to suggest Legal Aid, worth looking at.
I really feel for you, especially where you say you don't feel strong enough to be a LIP and struggle to open emails... described my feelings exactly. I've just finished in court, but I know we will end up back there.
Go to you GP and ask for therapy. I think through this process it would be very beneficial for you, it was to me, I wouldn't have got through court without it.

How old are your children now? Does the contact with dad go smoothly? Dad is likely to ramp up his actions now, in my experience, so be extra careful. Document everything.

Feel for you, you've had some great advice above.

Unfortunately, I’m not eligible for legal aid so I either have to pay or be a LIP. It’s crazy that I have to be dragged along with all this - he’s unlikely to get what he wants (fingers crossed at least) but I still have to go through the process to counter him. It’s exhausting and there’s nothing stopping him bringing me back to court again in the future if he doesn’t get his way 😢.

I worry about seeking professional help now as it will be used against me if my ex finds out about it. Will be jumping on a psychiatrist’s couch as soon as all this is over though, don’t worry!

Could you look for a Mackenzie friend to support you instead?

Look into a section 91.14

My ex raised my physically health and mental health in the court case. I got a GP letter saying they had no reason to believe I couldn't look after the kids and I followed medical advice. I was in therapy, ex was apparently on antidepressants, it wasn't used against either of us. And therapy made me stronger to fight him.

Mckenzie friend could be a good avenue if you get the right person.

what are the barriers to 50:50?
abuse? Neglect ? Some other

what does he have now ?

@Toomanydogwalks its not always about maintenance anymore than you’d say mothers only want more than 50:50 to get maintenance

obvs we dont know the background here

you can be LIP to keep costs down. Is there anything you can offer now which would avoid court as a compromise?