We are at breaking point

[Workandplay01]

Hello, I’m not in a great place right now. I am extremely low, breaking down crying in the evenings. I have been gradually feeling worse and more sad after having children which I am not sure is down to undiagnosed PND or how my partner behaves. I don’t think I have ever been this low.

My partner and I are working on a large house renovation he is pretty much doing everything himself as I cannot complete building work / only paint and sand. I do all the childcare, get up in the night, housework, organise bills do the food shopping and work part time 4 days a week. We have a DS 4 at school and DD 3 in nursery.

My work has not paid me in over 3 weeks and I am job hunting right now. My partner is putting pressure on and has said he is taking Friday (in two days) off so I can do interviews as I need to be working end of next week. I do not yet have any interviews lined up. He will not lend me any money to help me out and he has 3.5k in a separate savings account. I do have enough in my savings to just get by next month, and my employer is calling me tomorrow with a payment plan for the weeks owed so I am positive I have a little more time.

I had my own house before I met my partner which I sold when our babies very small to buy this project. Things were different and we had good times together.

My partner has told me tonight he is pushing to finish the house within a year so that we can go out separate ways as I am so miserable and bring him down. He says I have let myself go and don’t do anything to be attractive to him. I am not fun to be around. Just for the record I am a size 10 and healthy - don’t consider myself overweight at all. He wakes me up at 2-3am for sex when I am deeply asleep, apart from that he never goes near me or is affectionate or says a kind word to me. It is all about him working full time or working on the house. He resents me for working part time but then does nothing to help with childcare / house / chores etc.. He also has a horrible temper and when very angry will occasionally throw things or punch a door. He adores the children and they love him. He is very charming to everyone else.

I really believe that things will get better but I deep down I don’t think they will. My parents have said I can stay with them with the children if I need a break from him - but he will not leave the kids.

Not really sure where to go from here. Separating I will be much worse off financially and won’t see my children as much and that really affects me. I have very little self confidence left. Do I comply and help more with renovations while putting children to sleep / cooking / sorting clothes etc etc and god forbid allow myself to have a bath. I feel doing all of this with no emotional support I will have a breakdown.

According to him our goal when we bought the house was to sell and live mortgage free so that we could travel as a family and spend more money on trips abroad. Ideally I actually want to work less and spend more time with the children. He says that I am lazy and do not want to work. I feel our goals are not aligned and he is not willing to compromise.

Oh you poor thing, that all sounds very difficult. He sounds like an absolute arse and I don't think he'll ever be satisfied with whatever it is you're doing no matter what. You deserve happiness and I'm sure life away from him would give you a chance at that way more than staying from what you've said.

Hi lovely, he sounds like a complete arse, please do not internalise what he’s telling you. Do you have money set aside for yourself? Did you put in equal assets to buy your current project - and is your share protected if so?

Hi thank you for the messages. I have about 1.5k left in savings but spent over that on my credit card. We have 50% 50% share on the house in our deed documents.

Did he pay an equal deposit into the house with you?

If he wants to separate from you, stop having sex with him. He doesn't get that privilege from a woman he is leaving.

Don't do more than you can cope with. If you have a breakdown, it'll be your children who will suffer.

It would be good to have a break with the children at your parents. Some time to decompress.

He has sex with you in the middle of the night when you're asleep? Oh love, this isn't normal. He's abusing you. No wonder you're depressed. Please contact Women's Aid. He's gaslighting you. You poor love, my heart breaks for you. What a bastard he is.

Did he pay an equal deposit into the house with you?

I sincerely hope you did, or that you ring fenced your deposit...

Either way, you need to consult with an EA and get the house on the market.

He's an abuser and I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through with him. You need to get out and fast, but also safeguard your investment in the property. Even though it's 50/50 on the house title, your initial investment is probably greater and you should push hard for that when the time comes. Right now you need a solicitor and a separate room. Next time he tries to force you into having sex with him, tell him you're going to report him to the police for rape if he persists.
He sounds truly awful and you and your children deserve a lot better.

You say ' you comply ' ? To me that sounds abusive , and also your comment about taking a bath , do you have to get permission first ? Add to the fact he expects to be able to wake you up for sex , it's a huge red flag that you are in an abusive relationship
To get an interview by Friday and to be working by next week , almost impossible plus that's him telling you to do it and not your decision .
You are not in a marriage but a dictatorship .
Make plans to leave him .

He's an abusive prick.
This will not get better

Just an update. I stayed and things got better, but now have got worse. We had big chat last night. Apparently I do not discipline my 3 year old girl and tell her off for having a screaming tantrum. I will either walk away for a few minutes to calm down, or spend 10 minutes distracting her with something else which normally works. I will not scream and shout in her face and tell her to stop like he does which sends her into uncontrollable sobbing. I don't agree with smacking her hand either and that infuriated me.

We had an evening together last night without children which was good to start with, but then I opened up about not sleeping well and that I had a nightmare the other night where I thought someone was in the garden. I walked downstairs and checked the lights at 3 am but did not wake him as he had work. He said that I am a pathological liar and he will not engage with me when I make up stories. He was very angry with me for even saying this which was all a bit odd - as I was opening up about something that was worrying me. He said that I was crazy and what I was saying was like shit coming out of my mouth, it made me so sad that I cannot talk to him and he was so horrible back to me saying I had a mental condition (I am under a lot of stress at the moment).

If I continue to clean the house thoroughly (while he is doing dusty renovation works), make home cook meals, work 4 days a week and discipline children and deal with all childcare, and look after him - he will stay. If not, he will want to sell the house and leave - splitting the childcare 50:50. He said I was like a maid, cleaning cooking and looking after children, he can pay someone to do that.

I am hoping he will just give me a big hug and ask if everything is ok and what he can do to make things work. I feel sad that things have come to this but I want to move forward positively and with hope that things will be better for all of us. I know most of you will say leave but I do want to try and make things work so we are a family.

😲What a charmer.

He’s being vile to you. Really. Please leave.

I used to work 4 days a week. The day l was off was to spend time with dc. Not to operate a maid service.

'I know most of you will say leave but I do want to try and make things work so we are a family'.

What do you want us to say? Of course most people will say to leave. He's quite clearly an awful human being, and abusive towards you (and it sounds like to your daughter to a point). He's not a partner .

Trying to 'make this work' is fantasy - he is abusive, and has literally told you he sees you as a maid. Is the early hours sex something you consent too after you've woken up?

Please at the very least, research domestic abuse provision in your area. If you really want to try and 'make this work' at least have a back up plan/escape route, and some support.

I'm a bit confused by: 'My parents have said I can stay with them with the children if I need a break from him - but he will not leave the kids'. Do you mean he wouldn't 'allow' you to take the kids there without him..?! Are your parents aware of how awful he is? I think taking the kids to your parents sounds like a really good first step to get some distance, support and clarity, as long as this can be done safely. (Could your parents come for you?).

Maybe try this (I don't know what the online version is like, but I've heard great things about the programme generally).: https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/shop/online-courses.html

He will not want - or get - the children 50%, whatever he is saying now.

You staying means continuing to allow your children to be subjected to his abuse.

The longer you stay, the less likely you are to get back the money you invested in your money pit of a house.

Talk to Women’s Aid.

Take your children to your parents.

See a family solicitor who is experienced in dealing with DA victims and file for divorce.

Can you imagine if you were the size of a three year old, and a grown man got in your face and started screaming and shouting? Your DD must be so scared.

Please OP, don't keep trying to fix a relationship with a man who not only thinks, but is happy to say out loud that he sees you as a maid.

Leave for you, leave for your kids.