I wonder if this lady can get some advice from appropriate people, this lady wishes to remain anonymous. It is a complicated situation & there is a lot more to this but just a few brief details.
I am sending this on her behalf as a friend :
So there is a London based lady in her 30's, with 4 kids by a partner, she lives in rented accommodation which is too small for her & her kids, all 4 have some special needs, registered disabled but go to mainstream schools. She worked in one of the schools but now has gone full circle and works in a care home for a lady that helped her after she escaped the grooming gang master 18 years ago.
Her partner, in his 50's, also lives with her, he is on benefits & hasn't worked a proper job in most of his life. He does some looking after the kids but even that's a struggle for him.
She pays all the bills, looks after the kids & cooks & cleans. She does 99% of everything that needs to be done for the house & the kids. He wastes money buying things & hoarding them in the small house instead of helping pay the bills. She just recently past few months gets £100 a month off him which she uses to buy food for him too & is no way enough to pay for his keep & share of the bills. Even that he argues over despite him getting a grand a month in benefits & things.
She is basically scared to leave him, he has controlled her all the 18 years she has been with him. He has physically & mentally abused her over the past 18 years. He has been convicted of domestic violence in previous relationships & on at least 2 occasions, Police have come around after worried relatives heard him screaming violently at her while they were on the phone to her.
He sleeps downstairs & in the past 18 months their relationship is now basically broken down & just as a coparent type but he rules the roost .
He says things like "You made your bed so now you have to lie in it" constantly to her and threatens her that he will find her and take revenge on her if she ever left him. Basically that he will finish her off if she ever left him.
He is adept at psychological control, he goes into her bedroom & intimidates her. He then plays the victim when things are said back to him, falling back on his ADHD. He has several conditions after 40 years of alcohol & drug abuse:
Liver disease
Hemorrhoids
Halitosis
Spitting disorder
Atrial fibrillation
Pilonidal sinus
Bowel leakage
Flatulence
Bladder control issues
She was groomed as a child teenager by another man & has a traumatic history before this too which I won't go into.
This man that lives with her has taken advantage of her vulnerability since she was 16 when he met her by chance after she asked for a fag on the street. Its a form of grooming too.
Now she may have a chance: she lives in a small 2 bed house but its way too small & she is looking to rent a 4 bed house. Ideally she wants to tell get him get his own room somewhere as he is a hoarder & the house needs to be cleared. He has assaulted her around 20 times over the years: kicking, punching (her nose was broken by him at least once), several black eyes, he broke her arm while she was pregnant with the second child after he tried to force her to have an abortion, holding her by the throat against the wall, throwing things at her, spitting at her, slapping her on many occasions etc. The last time he was violent was 4/5 years ago but he did spit at her a few months ago & has threatened to lunge at her occasionally & he nudges her forehead with his finger in arguments sometimes .
She has not reported any of the assaults before to the Police.
She spent first 4 years sleeping on the carpet floor of this man's flat, while he slept on the sofa. Even when she was pregnant with the first child.
He has thrown her out of moving cars on several occasions & made her walk a few miles back home (But didnt do that when she had his kids: so kind of him).
He stole £500 from her savings that she was saving up for her first child. He spent that on drink & drugs. there are many other examples. He has cheated on her many times over the years.
What advice & help can the Police (with other agencies) give her to help her move with the kids & get him alternative accommodation? She spends her spare time in her bedroom as his moods & toxic words & behaviour affects her greatly. She is scared to do anything to upset him given his vile temper & moods. He intimidates her regularly, just last Sunday he went into her bedroom and ranted his usual threats and abuse. This sends her into a downward spiral for a few hours sometimes.
He is psychotic and really needs to be sectioned. He has taken drugs most of his life but hasn't taken hard drugs for 18 months or so. He still smokes weed & gets benefits as he is signed off work which he keeps for himself. He is never wrong, a proper narcissist.
I did send this info to the Police online and they gave a range of advice, they want to speak with her but she is reluctant to. However, she has promised me that she will have an off the record conversation with the Police in the next 2 weeks. She needs to believe and have confidence in herself that 2025 is a different world and authorities take much greater action than just a few years ago when she was failed so many times.
I will conclude that despite all the above, she is not in any immediate danger as such. She just avoids him most of the time. She doesn't talk back usually and he just carries on thinking he has her under his thumb. Other people talk to her regularly every day, these days. She is a wonderful amazing mum & all the kids in the school where she worked would also testify to that.
Thank You.