Nightmare Ex

[MummyofoneT]

I would love some advice on how to deal with a narcissist ex. I broke up with him 18 months ago due to lack of connection & emotional abuse which included alot of stonewalling, and snide comments to our DD meant for me to overhear etc. It was seriously affecting my mental and physical and our son was witnessing the bad atmosphere and arguments, it took me years to leave him but I finally did it as I want him to know what a healthy relationship is.

We had to live together for a year while the house sold and in that time he made my life hell. I found out he had cheated and instead of being sorry, he was angry and defensive instead. One minute he would be nasty the next he would be coming on to me.

Fast forward 18 months, we are in separate houses and I've been seeing someone new for 8 months. My ex is still being a nightmare! He will send nasty texts one minute then he will be begging me to come over to his, presumably for a shag. My boyfriend thinks I should tell him I'm in a relationship but I'm just worried how he is going to react, wouldn't put it past him to stop paying child maintenance to be honest!. I try to grey rock him but if I do that then he will ignore me back when I need to know something about plans for our DD. I've tried only emails but he hardly replies and it's tricky when I need an answer to things such as what time to collect daughter etc.

Can't believe I'm still being affected by him so negatively 18 months on. Do you think I should tell him I'm in a relationship or not?. I haven't told our DD yet and wanted to wait at least a year before I do that.

How do you respond to his messages?

You need to keep it all about your child and have 2 or maybe 3 stock replies to other messages. I’m sure others will have better phrasing but some thing like ‘I won’t engage with unkind or abusive messages’ and then stop replying and ‘We’re no longer in a relationship so I won’t be coming over’. Just the same few message every time he pull this shit but just reply once each time and then don’t engage.

Are you getting child maintenance through CMS? If not, go through them so he can’t just stop paying if he feels like it (although if he’s self-employed he can probably play the system to his advantage).

I also think you should tell him about your BF, in fact if your BF can be there for hand overs etc he may behave himself a bit more; these type of men tend to respect men a hell of a lot more than the women in their lives.

The problem is that you still are relying on communicating with him around things that should have set structure on place. Child maintenance, you can go through CMS if he stops. Picking up your child cam be agree in a child arrangements order.. it shouldn't be something he can control or requires constant negotiation.

Yes I agree, we do have a set structure in terms times so don't have to communicate much but the holidays is where it's tricky. He refused to go to mediation, so each holiday it's like we have to communicate which is very frustrating. But I will definitely try using the same phrases you have mentioned and will tell him about my boyfriend. I'm just worried he might tell our daughter to get one over on me, so she thinks I've been hiding it from her just to make me look bad, but hope that is not the case.

Tell your daughter. That takes the power away from him

doesn’t have to be all heavy. Just that you’re seeing someone who you like, but don’t yet know what will come of it so it’s nothing major.

if he’s self employed cms can he tricky. If he’s not then yes just via that

I was kind of hoping to tell my daughter after a year, and that seems to be the consensus on Mumsnet to wait a year! But maybe I should think about it. I haven't gone through the CMS, he is paying me a couple of hundred a month and has made it very clear things will get nasty if I go down that route.

Things are already nasty.

The waiting thing is regarding when people make kids get involved with adults dating, which rarely ever needs to happen. It's fine to tell her you're seeing someone.
Communicate with the man by parenting app only, and CMS for maintenance.
He's already nasty, so disregard his threat.

CMS and all contact is via a parenting app. No emails, calls or texts. Cutting off contact and parallel parenting is the only solution. Ex has to notify of holidays via app and give enough notice. He didn’t want to use the app but I insisted and he knows it’s what a court would suggest.

I've tried to get him to use the app and he refuses!

Also if I tell my daughter, she will probably mention it to him!

Just go via cms

and tell your daughter

you are letting this man gave power over you. Dont. Take that away

Don’t tell him for as long as you can avoid it. If he is a narcissist he will use it against you and it will make things much worse. He does not need to know anything.

You cannot change how he behaves you can only change how you respond. My ex was a vile narcissist and it took me years to realise this.

Thank you ladies. He refuses to use an app have tried before but if he continues I could say he can only contact me by email. He's been messaging me this evening telling me how much he misses me etc, this is after 18 months of me rejecting him. What the hell is he trying to achieve! Just wish I could block him forever it feels like poison to my mental health every time he texts me. I know I need to learn to not care and that would solve it all but I just can't seem to make that happen he makes me so angry!. After cheating on my mental why can't he at least let me get on with my life, it's ridiculous.

Are you listening to anyone?

What exactly are you so worried about? There's 2 things he can do.

Stop paying you.

Stop seeing your DD.

The first you can attempt to curtail by doing CMS.

The second, there's nothing you can do anything about,

And here you are, "oh he's messaging me he misses meeeee, what does he want???....."

He doesn’t have a right to know that’s correct

but you’re allowing him to still have control and power. Thats what he wants. Same with cms. He’s got you controlled so if you don’t do as he wants or does something you think will upset him he’ll stop paying.

until you take control and say enough, this will continue. It will be something else. Then something else

Why do you feel the need to tell him? It's not like he's going to hear you have a new bf and go, "right, clearly she isn't into me" and stop hounding you. Your bf, unfortunately, seems to be of the mindset that a man will hound a single woman but leave one with a bf alone.

If he refuses mediation you can take him to court i believe to mandate time with the dc. The reality is that nothing you do will make him.behave better. If you do everything he says he wants, it might be better for a while but even then, the goal posts will move. So stop trying.

What are the current contact arrangements? How old is DD?

Block him on EVERYTHING apart from the parenting app (removes his control). If he refuses to communicate then he won’t be getting contact will he unless there are arrangements you’ve agreed to.

The less your DD is subjected to a controlling abusive narcissist the better. You don’t need to do drop off or pick up, leave that up to him.

If he kicks off all he can do is take it to court (result) or stop maintenance in which case go to CMS.

TBH as he keeps threatening you I’d go to CMS anyway.

You are letting him have control still.

He doesn't want you to go via CMS because he knows he'll be on the hook for a fair amount, go this route definitely. He can claim to make things hard all he wants, but reality is unless he's self employed or really stupid and would leave his job to spite you (which will affect his standard of living immensely) then it is what it is. Also I'd try and formalise contact and agree everything is to go via the app, he might not like it but plenty of people have this enforceable arrangement. If he isn't willing to be sensible about things (as he isnt) it won't get better unless there are binding agreements in place.

Only email (parenting app ideally though), ignore every message that doesn't involve your child.
Block in every other way.
Do not give him any information about your life.
Tell your daughter,remove his power.
Go to CMS,remove his power.
Don't respond to emails immediately, wait a day, give him the shortest responses possible.
He will always be difficult. So you have to put boundaries in place.
I would suggest before grey rocking that you get the school holidays agreed, in writing with him. He'll use it forever as a way to get to you.

I've just blocked him this morning, I am listening to you!. I've said we have to go back to emails which is what he did do before so more chance of him doing it again. I already feel much better. The reason we came off it before was when we needed to send each other messages about small things , like if my daughter wasn't answering her phone to the other parent but I guess I'll have to suck up the fact I may not get to speak to her occasionally when she is with him.

With restricting access until he downloads the app, it just wouldn't work without upsetting my daughter. He would turn up and bang on the window and ring her, then she would get really upset. She's almost 9 so very aware of everything going on unfortunately.

@BookArt55 Bookart55 thank you!. I have already blocked him but I think once I feel a bit better I will try emailing about the holidays and see what happens. You are right, he is always going to be difficult so it's the only way forward x