Ex- partner disregards mediation plan

[wildlingtribe]

My children’s father disregards mediation plans. And as an example, he hasn’t bothered with the children for 2-3 weeks. I stick to my mediation agreement and he is demanding to take the youngest two out until late at night, out of the city - back home by 1am. He tells the children first rather than me so I look like mean cop, but it’s principle - he shows up and does Disney Dad once every few weeks. Lets them down constantly, makes out he’s a trophy and I’m not allowed to disagree. I’ve said my boundary and that it’s not appropriate, he needed to discuss the plan with me prior, and make it age appropriate - he then told the children again in front of his family that he IS going ahead with his plan despite my conversation - plus he needs to actually be a parent in between these weeks of no contact. He also made ZERO effort for our child’s birthday this week.

damned if I do damned if I don’t. If I say no, he turns everyone on me including our children.

I think - with someone like this you need a proper court order re child arrangements.
Mediation agreement is not binding.
File and represent yourself. Put a reasonable proposal forward and voila.

It’ll take away his unpredictability, and he won’t be able to show you in bad light, jf contact is well defined by the Judge.

I’m worried about an official court order because I want to be 100% sure what to propose. I’m not sure right now because he isn’t a good influence on them so having a court ordered by a judge who won’t see any of his behaviours is terrifying.

@wildlingtribe
You can propose EOW, and one day in an alternate week. Which is pretty standard.
And use his inconsistent contact as a rationale.
Given that you say he is inconsistent - he may not show up for that anyway.

Court ordered arrangement isn’t something that is enforced. It just means that he can have the kids on those days, with predefined schedule.

BUT - it’ll mean that he wont be able to try to get them on other days, or at inconvenient/ inappropriate times.

It can make your and your kids lives a lot more settled.

I see.

not one penny of CSA in over four years either but trying to prove his working is impossible.

It’s just heartbreaking that I won’t get time with the older two (early teens) as they’ve been alienated by him & his mother (she doesn’t have any PR but acts like she does). She has stepped in my shoes for a while, they live together so my big two live with two people who hate me, have listened to lies so I’m doubtful when they speak to court that they will spend time with me or my family.

so court may mean a bit more rigidity but he has been an inconsistent, let down. And he will walk of if there with more access that me, the mother who has raised them.

What’s the problem with his plan to take them out late? Just that it’s a late night and disrupts their normal sleep pattern? As a one off treat, particularly during school holidays, it’s not really a major issue for most kids?
The medication thing sounds much more problematic. Does he not agree with them needing medication? What are the consequences of them not getting their regular medication?
There’s a massive difference between him ignoring your wishing regarding a multivitamin and some homeopathic remedies prescribed by a nutritionist (not a dietitian) and him ignoring your child’s doctor advice on daily use of a preventer inhaler for serious asthma, for example.

Argh, sorry. I read that as ´medication plan’ not ´mediation plan’.

The major problem is his inconsistency. And the fact he plans stuff through the children (the one off things he does) he doesn’t feel I need to know a single thing. Another main issue is that he doesn’t stand by the mediation agreements, lets them down all the time (never showed for one of their birthdays this month for example), he goes weeks and weeks without contact, breaks promises. The list goes on. He is Disney Dad once in a blue moon, then shits on them the rest of the time. When they’re with him, it may be a fun thing sometimes, but he isn’t responsible, he speeds driving, he drinks and smokes a bit much, the emotional maturity of an 18 year old boy.

He also took great pride in keeping some of the children away from me on Mothers Day. And completely shits on my mediation times with the teens. This isn’t a tit or tat. I just don’t want the children thinking his behaviour is acceptable and that their mother isn’t going to keep being dominated. I’m not allowed to say no to him otherwise “I’m a problem, I’m controlling, I’m unhinged.”
how he treats the mother of his children is what they see, and i need to feel okay in having boundaries without being accused of causing a problem. Bottom line is, he plays dad when it suits. And children deserve better.

Court order. Only way to put strong boundaries in place and give you some form of consistency and remove his control. Yes it could come with ridks, such ad your older two. You also need evidence, such as messages showing inconsistent contact, any police involvement.
Nicely, you also need to teach the children how their body should feel when the feel safe. They will then be able to see he isn't safe person. You need to teach your kids about opinion/fact, about how we should question what the new/ people say... never teach these things specifically about their dad, but in other contexts. Eventually they will transfer those skills. It's so hard, all of this, I have the same worries about my ex and my kids are younger. My 6 yr old already is starting to question, and the court order has really helped.

@BookArt55Thank you.
Im just honestly petrified of handing over to a judge. Because any support I’ve tried to get so far, LCsS, TAF meetings, school (who can see through it but say they can’t do much because he’s their dad), the police, people at CAMHS. If we had equal parented for these 15 years, then I get it. But I’ve done it all! So to have two alienated from me, maybe the others soon, and then a judge falling for all of this (alienation is so hard to prove.) I am so worried. I’ve always been an easy target to point blame at because I call people out on their lies so the projection catapulted back to me as he has an army - I am on my own.

I had a student once I worked with who I suspected there was alienation where the mum had full time care of the kids, the kid at about 12 said they didn't want to see dad. At 15/16 when I was working with this student they said that it all must be true what their mum said, because dad had never fought to see them. Had never taken the steps to go to court or share what they actually wanted. Mum was there, even though they had a gut feeling their mum wasn't right and their relationship wasn't great, it made more sense for them to believe that a parent who loved them would fight for them.
Court is scary, cafcass mean well but are scary, judge making the decision is scary. But you say you've lost two kids- show them you love them. And with the constant threat that your other two may also follow suit I think it means even more. I hope this isn't too harsh, but go to court. If you get the necessary support then that is amazing, and if it doesn't go your way you can honestly say you did everything you could. I really feel for you. I would also consider getting therapy for the two in your care, helps them to make sense of everything and therapy helps us to question things.