Co-parenting advice

[loulou1979]

Hi, my ex and I are in the process of divorcing and we plan to co-parent on a 50/50 basis. Our kids are 15 (our daughter) and 12 years old (our son).

my ex has suggested a week on, week off but that if the kids want to see the other parent during that week then they can. My daughter especially plans on seeing me one night a week when she’s at her dad’s and my son would like to see me too. My ex has said the kids can see us both every week and he might pick them up from school some days etc. I worry this could get quite confusing and boundary-less. If our kids can’t manage a week then shouldn’t we be looking at a 3-4, 4-3 arrangement instead? I’d be grateful for any advice on this from people who are co-parenting! Do you keep to the days agreed or is it better to be flexible?

additionally my ex has told our children that when they are with him, if they disagree about a rule or consequence that he sets they are not allowed to say they want to stay with me. This is an issue for me as my ex is very controlling and has had a very rocky relationship with my daughter in the recent past. My ex says this is what we should be agreeing on as a ground rule but I’m opposed as I think it depends on the situation and the needs of the child. Am I in the wrong?

At 15 and 12 they should decide who they want to stay. With. Do they want 50:50?

I think generally I would agree that they can’t go to the other parent if they don’t like a rule. My DS is nearly 16 and pretty much making his own decisions about where he goes now. I was never a fan of week on/ week off sounds disorientating, but it seems to work for some

Yes they are ok with 50/50 but initially they said no to a week on/off as it was too long. We were going to do 3/4, 4/3 instead. But now my son has changed his mind on the basis that my ex has said if they do a week they can still see me whenever they like. My daughter thinks a week is too long. I suspect she’d like to spend more than 50/50
with me but doesn’t want to upset her dad.

At the kids ages, there is a lot of change happening anyway so I would focus on the shorter term ( each school term, summer holidays etc.) . Ye can talk then and reassess how things are going and if the plan needs altering. I would feel more comfortable myself if the kids were able to ring me if needed while at their dads. If I were you, I wouldn't say much about this rule of his, and don't agree to it anyway. It may never be a problem anyway and if it is, I'm sure you'd hear about it from the kids and you could take action then. And if the kids can text you etc if they want then that could be good too

Ya, a shorter week could be better. Could get messy if one child goes back to the opposite parent on random days, or when there is a parent /child dispute. Maybe ye could alternate the mon-fri and the weekends so ye both get a weekend with the kids. Mon-fri with you, that weekend with their dad, and the following week the other way around

What is it that you are trying to achieve as parents, jointly and individually?

I see risks associated with this plan because of implied tension between you and your ex over your daughter. It is a recipe for conflict between all of you unless it is acknowledged and addressed. Your child is nearly an adult and you cannot control an adult like a child. You can only influence.

You and he can agree the no flouncing rule but you cannot enforce it. Because it relies on your daughters consent and cooperation. If they want to walk out the door and go somewhere else how would you stop them? It is impossible unless you physically restrain them. The solution is to be able to de-escalate the situation. That doesn’t mean giving in. And sometimes it might mean giving each other space.

And basically whilst she needs autonomy she is a teen and therefore prone to being dumb and reckless. She will be trying to push boundaries and unless she understands risk put herself in danger. The reality is that the average teen is going to use this situation to stay out all night with their friends. And it is your job as parents to throw obstacles in the way of that ambition to keep them safe and know where they are.

Agree with lemon

its fair to say that they should not be allowed to undermine you both and simply flout rules to their advantage but that requires you and ex to agree ( not in the rules per se but that you support each others autonomy to make rules in your respective houses)

how close do you live yo each other ?

the 15 year old will pretty much want flexibility to come and go depending on GCSEs and social life I’d expect

Honestly week on /off.is a lot easier especially with a weekend changeover. Teens forget a lot of stuff and it gets really annoying when homework books and materials are in the "wrong" House. Moving gaming post, make-up, clothes etc all so much easier on a weekend.

Given ex has said he's flexible if they want to come over to yours, I'd just say week on/off and then ad hoc where wanted.

I do agree that they should not just be allowed to run to other house if they don't like the rules or a sanction.

Honestly you all just need to try it out and see how you get on

I think the only way is to test it out with agreed regular reviews. Week on/off is probably easiest to practically manage but emotionally that will be hard. We lived within a 10 min walk of each other and did a 2, 2, 3 routine. Honestly, my daughter hated it and it didn’t work out. It’s now 1 night a week and every other weekend at dad’s (and even then she’s back here sometimes during the day). I would propose a 3 month trial and then review. Kids should be able to go where they want rather than have a timetabled life.
Good luck OP, it’s an enormously stressful time.