Living together after seperation

[IsThisLifeNow]

I'm trying another thread after one last week got derailed by the Schofield supporters.

DH has come out as gay after almost 8 years of marriage, together almost 11 years, 2 young kids. He also went out and slept with someone before we separated.

What have peoples experiences of living together after seperation?

DS1 has probable ADHD and possible autism. He does not do well with change. He is also in a great, tiny but rural school. I can't see how he will thrive in a 30 to a class.

Would I be mad to consider both of us staying put? We have a large house, mortgage is medium size, probably not affordable alone alongside buying DH out. But there's space that we both have our own ensuite bedrooms, and theres TVs in both the living room and playroom, so we can have our own space in the evening too.

Despite it being early days, he only told me 5 days ago, we are functioning OK together. Neither have any interest in working on our relationship, but we're best friends before.

Completely nuts idea?

Hiya slightly different situation in that there’s no one else we’ve just grown apart and there’s been other issues but due to finances etc we will have to live together. It’s very early days in that we only actually separated yesterday but we are already making plans such as finances and around d our kids who are only little. I hope you’re ok and whatever happens you will get through this and be okay.

I think it’s nuts medium to long term. It will keep you in limbo

in the short term it sounds feasible that you can do so while taking time to work things out (

If yous set clear boundaries in place it could work. Though when one of you gets a new partner things may need to change then.

I'd probably do the same if I'm honest

Plenty do, I did for 8 months.

You need a good set of house rules eg no new relationships in the house, being discreet if going on dates, 50/50 on evenings out is a must (not him gadding about whilst you watch the dc), hes responsible for own laundry and 50% of housework and dc duties etc etc

Thanks, I think it would only be feasible short to medium term, or until one of us starts dating seriously.

It's good to know I'm not completely nuts for considering it.

Husband is generally good with housework and stuff. I am worried as i always thought I'd be absolutely raging if a partner ever did this to me, but I'm weirdly calm now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a crying mess at times, and I was a wreck the first few days, I'm just sad at losing the future I thought I had.

I am know continuing to live together isn't going to solve that, but I'm relly considering it if we can agree on solid ground rules, especially around whose turn it is to look after the kids. As in, we've both said we want them 50/50, but that's hard to do if we're all around the house.

@idontknow1001 I'm sorry you are going through this too, it's such an uncertain time eh.

Forgot to mention, we're lucky to have a spare room with an ensuite, a livingroom and a playroom with a tv, so we could both get our own space in the evenings too.

I guess its just the thought of telling the kids and putting the house on the market fills me with dread. I'm not sure I could afford to pay the mortgage and buy STBXH out too

No, you’re not nuts at all to consider staying put. It could be the most stable, kind, and pragmatic choice for now. I nearly suggested it on your last thread but you sounded like you were in the initial throws of shock and not wishing to be in the same postcode as him let alone as cohabitants at that point (understandable)!

As other pp’s have said - very strong boundaries and honest communication are going to be key here (which has clearly not been his forte to date). Kindly, it’s possible he’ll move on quite quickly if he’s already dipping his toe in the water, and it’s likely you will find it more painful to see him dating others than it will be for him to see you doing the same in - fact he may even encourage you to get back out there. In your mind you’ll need to be really clear that you’re not in some kind of open marriage situation - but you are two single people cohabiting and coparenting. This requires redrawing all of the lines between you both - everything; chores, household and personal finances what you discuss, how you co-parent, what a friendship between you might look like, what’s private etc etc.. Again, I’m sure this will be painful for you but perhaps not so much for him - so I would consider couples counselling to explore how you transition your relationship from husband and wife to coparents and cohabitants. It sounds like you can physically live almost separately - which is great, but you’ll still need to explain this to your kids and have a united front for them.

While it might be impossible to know now, and might take time to work through and see how it goes, you will need to discuss a shared long-term goal—whether that’s transitioning out eventually or continuing as co-parents under one roof. You could set a trial period of time - say 6 months, to see how it goes. If that’s going well you could then think about doing it until DS finishes primary school, and review then, for example.

If you do go ahead with this arrangement, I’d recommend building the financial resources and support network so that if one or both of you decide this is unsustainable/ one of you meets someone else etc. you’re in a position to go it alone, whatever that looks like. It might take the anxiety out of worrying he might meet someone and leave you high and dry.

It’s very early days for you - and I’m sure you’ll have more of an emotional rollercoaster to ride over the coming days, weeks and months. I do think individual counselling for you could really help. Have you discussed this with him? Is he keen?

Practically sounds sensible and I know two couples who have done this long term very successfully including having new relationships while living together, but their breakups had been mutual. How do you think you’d cope emotionally? Do you think you’d get back to being friends @IsThisLifeNow ?

@BySnappyKoala thanks fot replying. In my last thread I felt like my whole world had collapsed, I couldn't stop crying and couldn't think straight.

I haven't discussed it with STBXH yet, maybe tonight. If he thinks it's possible I'll suggest a 6 month trial and see how it goes. Yes to strict ground rules that you and others have suggested. It would definitely be in the kids best interest, and it would be the easiest on both myself and him too regarding childcare and school drop off and pick ups.

I've been thinking how I'd feel if he started dating. Yes it would hurt if he moved on quickly, but mostly because it would show me how long he had checked out of the relationship. While he was telling me this he hadn't cried or even looked that upset once, so that makes me think he's been considering his options for a long time. I guess I feel stupid for not realising he was pulling back from me.

He's had his time to process his thoughts, I've not even had a week yet.

@ZiggaZigAh we could possibly be friends again, but I'm not sure if I'm just in denial. I don't like change i guess too

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. It must be really difficult. Another option might be birds nesting, which is where the children stay in the family home and the parents share a flat / smaller place and take it in turns to move between the flat and the family home so the parents don’t have to live together but the kids have the stability of staying in the family home all of the time and spending time with each parent there. I appreciate it wouldn’t be easy and is not for everyone, but someone I know did this in the early days when they split with their partner to try to keep things stable for the children. Whatever you decide, take care of yourself

I don’t think it’s naive to think you could be friends again, but I think you need to give yourself time and not put any expectations that that will happen.Has he shown any remorse, or care for you in and the situation? If not, then getting past this and being around him I think might be harder.

If he’s been thinking about this for sometime, presumably he has a plan for how he’d like it to work? You said he offered to take the kids? Has he been house hunting? Has he taken legal advice?

I hope your conversation goes well with him, but I’d still go ahead and get legal advice, and if it benefits you, proceed to divorce so he can’t shaft you.

I didn't chat to STBX, too much going on with the kids before bed and once we got them sorted I just wanted to chill out and switch off in front of the TV.

However, he's not been proactive for planning the next step which has thrown me a bit. I've already come up with a plan for 50/50 childcare, I'd need to change my work hours so wouldneed their agreement too and have no idea if that's even feasible.

He's not the most proactive person and I'm starting to worry he's not got a plan going forward and is just waiting on me to make the decisions and move forward. It's feels like he's dropped the bombshell and now life goes on the same.

I know I'm the one suggesting both staying at home, but I'm not intending on being there all the time. I can see that as being the big downside of living together, that we'll end up doing things the 4 of us which I don't want, it blurs the lines of a separation.

Anyway, I'm waffling now, I've got friends over for Easter today, egg hunt for the kids and STBX is going over to one of his friends. I'll also be telling these friends so bracing myself for that

And yes, getting a soliciter is my priority this week. Even if we do decide to stay at home together for a trial period it's good to know where I stand legally. It's probably a good idea to get the house valued too

It will definitely blur the lines of separation
abs it’s likely he’ll just expect to carry on as before just with you two not together as a couple and him free to come/go as he likes

in practical terms how do you envisage 50:50 when you’re both there? Sure the logistics of school etc is one thing. But unless you’re moving out 50% of the time then what? You won’t do anything for the children even if you’re there? You will say sorry it’s dad’s 50% time?

Just wanted to say I'm glad you have come back - I've been wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Also agree with PP who suggested considering nesting where you have a flat somewhere else and you both swap between that and the family home. Would that be a potential solution?

Take care of yourself and good luck speaking to your friends today.

My concern would be that IME men tend to move on much quicker and as he’s free to explore his sexuality now, I would worry that he would we leaving you to ‘babysit’ whilst he lives an exciting new life. I didn’t even think about dating for a long time after a big break up but my exes were ‘ back in the saddle’ pretty quickly!
With separate homes you both get proper free time and he gets to have full responsibility for the kids, not rely on you always being there. Good luck- what a horrible situation for you.

@IsThisLifeNow I spoke to a friend of mine who went through something similar many years ago. She recommended contacting Our Path https://ourpath.org and Straight Partners Anonymous https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/#:~:text=Straight%20Partners%20Anonymous%20(SPA)%20is,about%20what%20to%20do%20next.
They were able to recommend resources and specialist counselling which she found incredibly helpful as well as speak with people going through the same thing.

Apologies if these were already recommended.

Telling your friends is a big step - it will make it feel real and hopefully you’ll get some valuable IRL support. However only do this if you feel ready, that the circumstances feel right- and only share what you feel comfortable sharing. 💕

So we had a very quick chat and he shrugged and said well he can't afford to move out so agreed that we'd continue to live together as long as things were civil. I think that's what's best while I get my head round things.

However, I don't want to be married to him anymore so I've looked into living together going through divorce and the things that stipulate seperation so we'll need another chat about ground rules.

As for how the 50/50 will work @millymollymoomoo during the school week not much will change, but we've agreed to not spending time together at the weekends. So one day I'll have both and the next day he will, but with flexibility as long as we swap our days. I'm not sure how it will work when we're not going out tbh, but I already am spending more time in my room.

He shrugged and said well he can't afford to move out so agreed that we'd continue to live together as long as things were civil.

This sounds a decision not based on what’s best for all of you and the DC but rather what suits him for now. He sounds very passive- but just make sure you protect yourself as while he sounds passive he’s also clearly happy to put his own needs first so I would be wary he doesn’t up and off leaving you high and dry with a big mortgage if it suited him. Can you take legal advice about this specifically? Definitely move towards divorce but be aware this is when things could get acrimonious.

@BySnappyKoala I can afford the mortgage on my own, but could not afford to buy him out and pay it so if he walked out tomorrow I'd be OK for a while. Yes I was a little perturbed at his shrug. I mean its what I want in the short term too so its fine, but yes, giving me pause for thought.

He is a very hands on Dad and so far I'm confident he wouldn't leave the kids with no contact.

And yes, I am looking to take legal advice and to legally separate. I don't want to be married to him anymore.

Definitely move towards divorce but be aware this is when things could get acrimonious.

I think that's where this living together will fall apart. I guess we'll see how it pans out. We still have a joint account for kid related expenses and mortgage, will see if he takes the piss with it

I read your last thread.
I came across a piece on living together after divorce and birds nest divorce (two different scenarios). It might be worth goggling as they were helpful and on a mediation page. It would mean you get to keep your home and family structure but you would need to be very cooperative and still continue to be a team of sorts as you iron out the boundaries and rules.

Thanks for suggesting it, a few people have suggested it too and it intrigues me. Definitely something I'll read up about and see how it works for others.

@ZiggaZigAh thanks for the suggestions, I will definitely look at those. Unfortunately our friends cancelled due to illness, but I did have a long chat on the phone with her that has cleared my mind a little. Yes its definitely making things more real.

Thank you @lifemakeover I'm doing better and getting started on the life admin of new bank accounts, gathering up information and looking at solicitors. Its all daunting.

We're at soft play and the kids are having fun while I try and do all that, its a win win!

Yes I was a little perturbed at his shrug. I mean its what I want in the short term too so its fine, but yes, giving me pause for thought.

I’d keep my antenna up if I were you - it seems odd he’d fess up to this with no plan for the future. Is it likely it was a one off shag or is he secretly seeing someone do you think? Or was someone about to out him? It doesn’t sound like he’s being particularly remorseful or considerate of his actions on you and the dc, either the years of lying or the cheating, which suggests a level of self interest here that would make me very wary of what else he might do without consideration for you or what he might have secretly planned.

Keep acting in your own self interest, if that’s living together to build a nest egg, working to divorce and get a good settlement etc. You need to be your own best friend now as he clearly isn’t thinking about you or the dc. I really hope you can keep it amicable but it’s no failing on you if doesn’t pan out like that.

I agree with @TheRealMrsFeltz - I am worried from what you say that he wants his to have his cake and eat it too. It sounds like he's said here's a huge, marriage ending, heart breaking piece of information for you to do deal with, but I don't want anything to really change or to have to face the consequences of that.

Really pleased you've been able to speak to friends in real life and are feeling a bit better.