Do you ever stop blaming yourself?

PinkGorilla · 2025-04-15T08:33:11+00:00

My husband ended out relationship at the end of January. He ended it because we were always arguing, which was true. He has always been a bit of a man child and sat around playing video games when he's not at work. Whereas I run around cooking, cleaning and taking the kids to their after school clubs etc. We work similar hours, him usually slightly more. On the days he was working a full day I would just do everything myself, but on the days he had finished early and been sat on his computer a few hours, I would ask for help. Often he wouldn't help, or would argue my request. If he did help, it would be the absolute bare minimum. It became toxic. I was always stressed and annoyed he wasn't helping. I've never been one to avoid an argument for a quite life, I always stand up for myself. But now he's left because of it and I hate myself. Why did I have to argue all the time? He is difficult to communicate with, often shutting me down and turning things around back on me. Lots of point scoring, placing blame etc. But arguing over housework seems so trivial now our family is breaking up over it. I'm due to move out next week and the thought of losing not only my husband, but also my dream home and only having the kids 50% of the time is making me wish I could die due to the self blame (I never would hurt myself because of the kids though). I just hate myself for not just accepting his lack of help with grace. Why did I get so mad and rant and rave at him about it all the time? I know it was usually when I was super tired and overwhelmed and he was just sat there doing nothing. But my god, I should have just set firm, calm boundaries like an adult and not got mad all the time. I hate myself so much, as now my family is broken apart because I couldn't stay calm and mature.

PashaMinaMio · 15/04/2025 09:43

Whoa! I could write reams but drop the guilt rope and make your planned move out. Your life with him sounds awful. I had a dream home too but I was so much happier living in a non-dream home because I was finally free of the drudgery and disrespect for my wifely efforts with no input from the other adult in our home.

Leaving will give you a breathing space, an opportunity to look back with clarity and see your relationship for what it is. If you are tempted to go back to him, take a step back and give yourself more time apart. You are not his mother.

GeorgeMichaelsMicStand · 15/04/2025 09:53

The shame of a relationship ending can be long standing but reread your post. He wasn’t the man for you, regardless of whether you had kids or not. And it was probably a lot more than just the verbal arguing. You could learn from this and take those lessons into your next relationship eg your boundaries. A decent man would respect them

BillyBoe46 · 15/04/2025 09:54

The only thing you should be blaming yourself for is not having the self respect to dump the man child yourself. He's a lazy, selfish, child and I can totally understand why you argued about it and why it caused resentment. You are not his maid. It's mea t to be a partnership. I think your life will be so much happier without him. I imagine your mixed feelings are because you have kids are their lives are changing. Kids are resilient. In the long run they will be happier.

How old are the kids? Why are you leaving the house?

What makes you think he wants 50:50? He's a lazy person. Lazy people don't want to parent.

Original poster

PinkGorilla · 15/04/2025 10:06

BillyBoe46 · 15/04/2025 09:54

The only thing you should be blaming yourself for is not having the self respect to dump the man child yourself. He's a lazy, selfish, child and I can totally understand why you argued about it and why it caused resentment. You are not his maid. It's mea t to be a partnership. I think your life will be so much happier without him. I imagine your mixed feelings are because you have kids are their lives are changing. Kids are resilient. In the long run they will be happier.

How old are the kids? Why are you leaving the house?

What makes you think he wants 50:50? He's a lazy person. Lazy people don't want to parent.

The kids are 9 and 7. I'm having to leave as the house is on his family farm, which he co-owns and runs with his parents. He is adamant he wants 50/50 and a solicitor said he can get it because he has flexible working hours. Frustratingly, since he ended the relationship, he's been cooking lots of amazing meals for himself every night. He would never cook when we were together, or even help suggest meal ideas. He's also been an amazing dad since we broke up, giving the kids loads of attention and taking them out lots. I just wish he was like that when we were together and there would gave been a lot less resentment! He said he shut himself away at his computer because of me and now we're separated he feels better. But I've been with him 11yrs and he's always been obsessed with his computer since the beginning, so I can't see how I'm the cause of that. It's making me miss him, as he's now being the hands on man I always wanted him to be. When he's telling me it was my fault he was miserable and seeing how much happier he is now, it's hard not to think that maybe I was the issue.

OP posts:

BillyBoe46 · 15/04/2025 10:21

PinkGorilla · 15/04/2025 10:06

The kids are 9 and 7. I'm having to leave as the house is on his family farm, which he co-owns and runs with his parents. He is adamant he wants 50/50 and a solicitor said he can get it because he has flexible working hours. Frustratingly, since he ended the relationship, he's been cooking lots of amazing meals for himself every night. He would never cook when we were together, or even help suggest meal ideas. He's also been an amazing dad since we broke up, giving the kids loads of attention and taking them out lots. I just wish he was like that when we were together and there would gave been a lot less resentment! He said he shut himself away at his computer because of me and now we're separated he feels better. But I've been with him 11yrs and he's always been obsessed with his computer since the beginning, so I can't see how I'm the cause of that. It's making me miss him, as he's now being the hands on man I always wanted him to be. When he's telling me it was my fault he was miserable and seeing how much happier he is now, it's hard not to think that maybe I was the issue.

Show quote history

It's all performative. It's easy to do on the short term but he won't be able to sustain it.

Even his approach to separation is childish an immature. He choses to blame you rather than take any responsibility for his failings in the relationship. He's a child.

If he wants 50:50 then let it be true 50:50. He does his days and you do yours. He has to cover sickness, holidays, after school activities on his days. DONT DO IT FOR HIM. I'd split the week.
One parent Mon, Tues
Other Parent Wed, Thurs
Alternate Fri, Sat and Sun
That way you can find work on your days. The kids have consistency and everyone knows what the kids need on their school days.

Bread121bread · 16/04/2025 19:51

My ex improved/ extended the time he spent with our dc after our separation. This made me happier. If I hadn't insisted on separation my dc would not have got to spend this much time with their dad.

It is a plus. Divorce is not easy on children, but take and celebrate every little plus you get. It sounds unsustainable being a Disney parent. But let him keep it up for as long as he can.

GreenwayHouse · 16/04/2025 22:33

I have days when I feel the same, OP. I do wonder if my relationship wouldn’t have broken down if I hadn’t got so angry at the way I was treated. And then other days I am pleased with myself for having boundaries and standing up for myself. Some days I am appalled when I look at how selfish my ex “D”H was towards me and I wish I’d told him sooner that it wasn’t acceptable. I think we react as it seems appropriate at the time and you felt aggrieved that you weren’t getting more help around the home. I’m sure many women on MN could empathise with your feelings on that front.

I’m sorry he seems to be changing for the better and is blaming you for being miserable. I’m sure the change isn’t permanent and of course it’s not your fault he was miserable. He’s just trying to needle you with comments like that. I expect neither will last-his change and his better mood-once you are gone.

TheGrimSmile · 17/04/2025 07:48

It's never "just housework" though is it? He is the problem here, not you. As PP said, this super dad behaviour won't last. I know it's hard now but you have done the right thing. And set a good example to your children.

GingerLiberalFeminist · 17/04/2025 08:05

Oh love. It hurts so much. I totally understand.
My first H and I were together for 10 years and he was a kiddult, wanted to be down the pub with his mates all the time, never wanted to shave, kicked up if I arranged anything with him to do. But when we split and he moved in with another woman, I felt overwhelming guilt. That maybe I'd been too harsh, I should have made more time for him etc. Even though it clearly wasn't working.

I read at the time it takes half the length of a relationship to get over someone and I was shocked. I had a series of disastrous relationships trying to "make up" for my perceived short comings. Got used over and over. It did take 5 years to stop feeling guilty.

You're in the thick of it at the moment. I agree with PPs get your ducks in a row re child access and try and make time for you. Not dating, friends and hobbies. It'll save you.

It will get easier. One day you'll wake up and you won't think about him first thing.

It's been 10 years for me and I'm now happily married again. So from the other side I can say keep going, it will get better xx

GingerLiberalFeminist · 17/04/2025 08:06

Oh love. It hurts so much. I totally understand.
My first H and I were together for 10 years and he was a kiddult, wanted to be down the pub with his mates all the time, never wanted to shave, kicked up if I arranged anything with him to do. But when we split and he moved in with another woman, I felt overwhelming guilt. That maybe I'd been too harsh, I should have made more time for him etc. Even though it clearly wasn't working.

I read at the time it takes half the length of a relationship to get over someone and I was shocked. I had a series of disastrous relationships trying to "make up" for my perceived short comings. Got used over and over. It did take 5 years to stop feeling guilty.

You're in the thick of it at the moment. I agree with PPs get your ducks in a row re child access and try and make time for you. Not dating, friends and hobbies. It'll save you.

It will get easier. One day you'll wake up and you won't think about him first thing.

It's been 10 years for me and I'm now happily married again. So from the other side I can say keep going, it will get better xx