I am finding it so hard

[Beargirl]

Hi , I am 65 , and finally decided to leave my husband of 40 years 9 months ago . I had wanted to do it for years …. Nothing terrible , he is a good man but our paths diverged a great deal as I became the breadwinner and he looked after the children and stayed at home . I felt I was regularly criticised and our long terms views of the future were different .
It has been hellish leaving . My adult son is blaming me a great deal , much to my surprise , and my daughter is now at last kinder towards me and I can see my grandchildren .
I have met someone in the meantime and he is really kind , but my sadness sometimes overwhelms me so much I feel I can t function any more. I am so sad that I have hurt my husband and children .
Have some of you experienced this too ?

Well done for being so brave. You only get one life and you don’t have to stay in an unhappy place just for your adult children. You deserve happiness as none of us know what’s around the corner. Good luck OP x

What a painful transition - and hopefully all towards something better and happier for you.

I haven't been through something that correlates exactly, but what stood out to me was your son's unexpected reaction. I do recognise that in my own life,

There's so much to grieve - the original hopes for your partnership and family - much to accept - what's good right now - and a lot to look forward to when you're ready. But all at its own pace.

It sounds like your decision was forged over a long period. Will it be helpful to ask yourself at some point what you need to do to make that the "right" decision - what follow up choices do you need to make?

Thank you for that really helpful comment . I feel lost sometimes . Being a business woman , it was all for me about making decisions . Fast . But it s not like that here , is it ? Suddenly you have to allow time to heal .
And I have to reflect on what I need to be happy and to make others happy .
c

I am experiencing this now. I'm a couple of years younger than you. Married almost 40 years. He doesn't know yet that I need to leave. I don't know where to begin. I am grieving for the life we could have had and for what he must accept.

Thank you so very much ! C

Oh you poor thing ! I understand how you feel completely . But what is making you hesitate ? If I can help in any way , let me know . I am after all 10 months ahead of you .
what finally did the trick for me was reading the book : should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft . Too many ticks in the wrong direction .
I can assure you that it is a very hard journey but one , despite my extreme sadness sometimes ( I never thought I could get so low ) I am ok with having taken . The awful thing is the feeling of not knowing what the future holds and facing the sadness and anger of my children and of course husband . But I have been touched by the kindness of friends and even strangers . It is a very hard path to take , but the alternative could be worse .
c

Thank you so much @Beargirl What is making me hesitate? It helps to really think about that question. So many things. I'm reasonably happy but know I could be happier. We really loved each other once but have grown apart. Leaving is scary, thinking about how upset he will be. Will my grown up children blame and hate me for leaving him. Dividing up the assets, both having smaller properties. I think I need to read that book. I too feel so low at times, I think I will break down at some point. I've been thinking about leaving for almost a year now but the lack of affection on his part has been for more than a decade.
How did you tell your husband?

hello hello ! Just been to Hampstead heath to clear my head . I think you will find it helps to walk walk walk .
So how did I tell him ? I had mentioned it on and off for years , that I was frustrated that our views were different .
But I think he thought I would never leave .
So I told him 14 months ago when he reproached me yet again of benign stuff I had done in the past ( well , benign for me : going to a cinema before Covid was announced when there were only 3 people in total in the cinema . )
I said I had to go and could not bear hearing old stuff over and over again . I moved out a few months later . The children ( both over 30 ) reacted very badly as he basically criticised me and also was , to be fair , utterly devastated . Odd really as I could do nothing right .
But I have tips ! Do it in Spring or Summer , your morale will resist better . Ensure you keep really calm and avoid reproaches . Do not fall in the trap of criticising him to friends or family . Be empathetic . Ensure a few trusted friends are there to help you .
And even these tips are not fool proof but at least you can hold your head high .
Read the book first ! C

I hear you ❤️
I am 53 and divorced last year after 30 years marriage. There was no great drama just an increasing sense that I could no longer spend my life with someone who never made me a priority.

My young adult children were very upset and confused to begin with but thankfully now seem more accepting. It was touch and go for a while.

i know I made the right decision but regularly get overwhelming waves of sadness. I get flashbacks of the early days when things were amazing; memories I thought were long forgotten. I think it’s my psyche trying to process what’s happened and will ease over time.

Thank you for that message , it makes me feel better knowing that for you , time has helped with your children . I fully understand your point about being a priority . And I wish you the very best with your flashbacks . I ve just experienced one yesterday and it was hard , but I then thought of the memories as a positive and it helped . C