Anyone with any experience of mediation and court

[Bugzy21]

Was hoping someone could offer some advice on my situation.Been divorced for two years with no official orders in place.
The arrangement was that DS (8) saw EX-H one day at a weekend and once in the week overnight.
Financial arrangements were that he would pay the mortgage ,which is around 450 per month and I would receive no maintenance for DS.
During the two years I have had constant threats and jibes about the mortgage as in; he isnt going to pay it, my partner is only allowed two overnight stays a week and that I am living in his house rent free ( this is just a few of the threats I've received) After one too many threats I have contacted the CMS so payments can be made official.
I was working part-time on a term time only basis whilst I completed a degree. I've now gone full time meaning I won't get the holidays off
I asked to change the arrangements to every other weekend and no mid week overnight stay as DS is exhausted when he arrives home. I did say EX-H could see DS any night as long as he was returned by 7.30 pm .
I also have stipulated that in holidays he can attend EX-H address more so there is still plenty of contact.
In response EX-H has contacted a mediation firm ,I've agreed to mediation but cannot afford to pay as I haven't had a full time wage as yet and even that is less than half of EX-H current salary so the 160 quoted from the company he has gone to is far too much.
He has refused to pay for the sessions so now I'm worried it will go to court. I don't feel I'm being unreasonable. Can anyone offer any advice or been in a similar situation.

You should be able to get £500 towards mediation via the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme if you take a look? You don’t have to go with the mediator your ex has suggested - it should be agreed between you

He knows you can't pay so that's why he is requesting it. And, at court, he ll make out you are unreasonable as you refused mediation. Perhaps attend 1 or 2 sessions and then say HE was unreasonable during those? Unless he is actually well intended which would be a bonus.

It has taken me and stbexh ages to get to mediation (after an initial meeting) because of the amount of information needed around finances. Literally months. Can you agree to mediation, use the voucher pp mentioned for the first few sessions, and then save up to afford future ones?

What specifically does he want mediation to achieve? What is he asking for?

why is he only having ds 1 night a week ?

You may also find that now cns are involved he reduces mortgage payments

as pp what is he requesting?

Voucher scheme i would 100% look in to. This should be about two sessions, enough time to realise if mediation is going to work but you might need more time to work out the finer details. Or make you realise it is pointless and go to court for them to decide.
Was their a court order or arrangement between the two of you?
Every other weekend is reasonable and I think court would agree, as would a Mediator.

Mediators wouldn't "agree" with this because they are supposed to be completely neutral and impartial.

And courts are more likely to increase contact time not decrease it if there has been no significant reason to decrease it. Going from 2 overnights per week to two overnights per fortnight is a decrease for the child in the time he is getting to spend with his other parent. And a court is unlikely to agree to this for no reason. It is not in the best interest of the child to remove time with his dad unless there is a risk to his safety.

The financial issues are separate from the child contact issues. Unless you are blatantly attempting to decrease his overnights so that his CMS payments go up. You were probably right to go down CMS route so that he couldn't use the mortgage payments as a way to get to you. Although you said that there were no official orders in place - does that mean that he still owns half of the house? If so could he force the sale at court?

Yabu

you are dictating access to his son. would you r really be happy to see your son only eow? I doubt it. It’s his child as much as yours and you don’t get to just decide

youre living in a home that you seem to expect ex to pay for while tying up his asset AND expect to simply be happy that your new partner is there too! Er, no I wouldn’t be happy with that at all

you need to get the finances severed by consent order which may mean selling the house or certainly you having to buy him share out /expect to pay all mortgage and bills.
and eow is pitiful assuming no risk to child so you’d be expected to come up with more access than that ( on basis ex wants it) but honestly I think you need to rethink your expectations as I don’t think things are necessarily going to go your way

@DisneyTokyoNewbie You're completely right, my wording there is wrong. When they said that Dad currently has one day at thr weekend and she wants to swap to every other weekend, that is the part I think is reasonable and standard in court. A Mediator would suggest dad consider this to free up both parents being able to take the child away, etc.

However I do also agree with what others have said, reducing contact isn't going to happen when there is no risk to child and appears that you just want the child in your care.

Financially... if you were in dad's position would you be happy?

I think all that has happened here is you have brought to a head the overdue need to secure proper financial separation and agree a co parenting arrangement. This will stop him being able to interfere with your life but it comes a potential cost.

He will certainly want a financial clean break. Which could involve taking his equity out of the family home and removing him from the mortgage. Unless there is a reason to prevent this, he will almost certainly succeed in securing a clean break from you.

A co parenting arrangement will need to ensure your children have quality time with both of you both. It’s not about what you will allow and mediation is a place to talk this through and reach an agreement that gives your children the best outcome.

If you can’t work this out between yourselves and it sounds like you can’t then mediation can help. If you cannot settle things in mediation then you it’s off to court you go. Which may end up costing a lot to achieve the same things proposed in mediation.

At the end of the day the informal approach didn’t work and turned toxic. You both played a part in that, although he overstepped by interfering in your life and threatening to stop financial help. He further retaliated to the CMS claim by pushing for formal arrangements. This will impact on your situation. But it is better in the long run. You need to sever yourself from him financially and get better child support arrangements.

Mediation is a good way to agree on things if you use it properly. It avoids expensive litigation especially when there isn’t that much to work out. Or your finances are straightforward. But it won’t work if you or he are stubborn and unrealistic.