Reversal of accusations

[mynamechangemyrules]

Sorry it’s me again. I post relatively often because I just don’t know how to handle what’s happening to me.

Short background: ExH is emotionally/ psychologically/ financially abusive. Safeguarding concerns about ExH recorded via children’s schools and police report. I finally went to court (C100 application and a request to have a third party sort parental access etc). I explained to the DV worker linked to me that I delayed this because ExH is a genuine, Grade A psycho whose entire existence is predicated on ‘winning’ and me leaving was a ‘loss’ and thus he is prepared to dedicate his life to ruining mine. He hasn’t worked out/ doesn’t care that this is shit for the kids.

Court appearance was a shitshow. C100 was filled with the examples of abuse etc and included a DV SS record that mediation was not necessary as evidenced and corroborated abuse. Judge says in first 10 mins that ‘the phrase controlling and coercive behaviour is bandied about these days’. Goes on to say that all we need to do is ‘have a chat, open the lines of communication again between you two’. She agreed with him that children not wanting to see him is not that he is awful to them (documented and submitted via police and another 3rd party) but ‘could be mother’s parenting’ and suggested ‘investigating whether there is parental alienation occurring’.

ExH has referred to ‘court’ in every email since (there are very VERY many and they are long. They are all fucking awful). He is absolutely thrilled, obviously.

Anyway- he accused in court and in every email since that I am the abusive one- I manipulate ‘subtly’ and am abusing him.

I know this is the internet and you don’t know what’s what about me and I could be a loon. But everyone in our children’s lives, including his immediate family, is prepared to speak on my behalf to court, prepared to share instances of his awful behaviour, but- how to actually prove this? Because I felt with the reports/ evidence and affidavits I had kind of covered this… but if the judge can be so easily swayed (by him simply saying it’s the case- no evidence, no examples) then what do I need to do now?

How old are the kids?

That's DARVO.

They are spread across 15-8years

Do you have a solicitor? It really sounds like you need one if you don't have one.

can they not just decide for themselves then? whether or not they want a relationship with their dad?

Yes, they have decided, a mixture of not going at all/ wants to have less time/ goes when he’s made to feel guilty

the court thinks they should be forced to go and want to investigate whether it is ‘poor parenting’ on my part for not being able to get them to go

I always prepare them and their items (father refuses to store anything at his house, including school uniform and clothes) but sometimes can’t get them out of the door to him. 2 of them are bigger than me so not sure what they expect me to do… I used to have to pick them up and strap them into the car seats in his car for them to go.

that’s why I applied to court really- to get a 3rd party perspective on whether it is sound parenting to ‘force’ them to go. Father says I should, court agreed that ‘children have to do things they don’t like, they are minors and you must remember you are the adult’

Complain about the judge. It’s absolutely not ok to dismiss evidenced allegations of abuse. Make your complaint as polite and objective as possible. Refuse mediation, you are quite right, it should not be used where there are such allegations. And yes, this is what they do. Reverse is the R in Darvo.

Hi, I’ve googled DARVO, all the stuff I could find appears to be American in origin. Is there a precedent/ some guidelines for how I could prove/ present this to the court?
the weird thing is it mashes your mind and although I am sure I am not an abuser, I am less clear as to how I prove he is.

Don’t try and diagnose his behaviour. Just describe it.

Sounds like you need a (better?) lawyer. Are you representing yourself?

Follow Legally Nik on instagram. If you are self representing it might be worth booking in for an online meeting with her, she is cheaper I think that solicitors. She is an ex solicitor. She is amazing.
Is a fact finding or section 7 taking place? Cafcass should be involved, yes? Tell them about how school are aware and explain how, she should then speak to the school directly and they can share their experience directly with cafcass who care share with the xourt.
Other people, not professionals, get the to write statements. Date and sign each one. They can be submitted as evidence which you can refer to jn your position statement. Also the police reports, but cafcass should also contact the police and get this info, sometimes they are slow though so include in your evidence. Texts? Photos?
Cafcass will speak to the children, they are old enough to meet with her, likely on their own without you so they need to be able to articulate their feelings, wants and why (examples of his behaviour). U don't think you should coach them or anything, but cafcass usually send an introductory letter to the child before meeting so it gives you that opportunity to say they are a safe adult to share information with. So hard for kids meeting a stranger to then share important stuff like this, normally kids would share with a trusted adult.
Anything medical- invlude as evidence. You can contact your GP and hospital for medical records.
Thinking of you, such a hard situation! Been there. My ex still twists everything he has done and says I do it. Everything single thing.