Can’t agree on custody

[Lis667]

I’m writing for advice/other stories. Iv got a solicitor who I am going to speak to regardless.

me and my husband are divorcing, he’s still living in the family home which I’m buying him out of. It’s been 6 months and It’s been very turbulent up to now.
However now we can’t agree on custody of our 2 year old. We initially said 50/50. However iv stated I don’t think a 2 year old should be bed hopping every night. She will get to see her dad everyday, but 4 to 5 nights of the week I think it’s better she’s in her bed that she’s used to.
he hasn’t got a house yet so will be living with his parents and our daughter wants me most of the time. Iv stated I don’t want any money off him, I just want her in her own bed. I’m worried we will have to go to court. Does anyone else do 50/50 nights?

I've got friends who did 50/50 from when their youngest was a similar age but difference was both parents had their own houses & he had his own bedroom in both. So regardless of who he was with he had his own bed to go to.

It worked well & he's turned into a very well adjusted teenager.

Kids are very resilient. 50/50 does seem to be encouraged these days so very prepared for it going that way

I don't blame you OP, I think it's way too unsettling for such a young child. Perhaps when he gets his own place you could re-visit it.

I agree - she needs stability. Have you got a spare room so XH could come and stay at yours one night if he wants to see her another night in the week? You could go out for the evening and DD would get to see her dad but stay at her house which would be much better for her

I don’t have a spare room unfortunately, once he moves out he’s made it clear he will be staying away. He wants it all his own way unfortunately

I’m staying in the family home and he is moving to parents. We are both currently living In the family home

Realistically 50/50 is the starting point

I have the situation where my kids stay with me 7 days a week and my ex comes to mine too look after them when I go out or they want some time with them

We get on fine together post divorce so it's not a massive problem

But long term you will appreciate some nights to yourself to relax and time to make new relationships - this is a struggle for me

The kids will be fine splitting there time, once things settle down and you both accept it, it will be fine lots of parents do it

Right now they are two, when they get old enough they will express an opinion on where they want to live

How would you feel if your ex had him and you just saw him on your exes terms?

if you’re ok with 2-3 nights sleeping at dads why not 3-4?

ultimatey 50:50 can work very well when children are young as yours and( older ) more so if you can co parent well and children have two homes and consistency. Parents who can’t get on is much harder.

my friend did 50:50 when their child was just over 1 and they are now 13 and have great relationships with both parents and still do roughly that ( changes a not depending on sports/friends etc)

I wouldn’t automatically dismiss and refuse it but it will feel
more settled once your ex has their own house.

and you probably wa t to cut down on the everyday visits …. Dad should be equal parent who can have their child at their own home

Not suggesting this is right for you, but I do know people who do something called ‘nesting’ when the children are very young. It’s where the child stays in the family home and the parents stay one week at a time, in turn.

When it’s not their week in the family home they stay somewhere else, I know someone who stays with their parents, and someone else where they both have a small one bed place as their own. Just mentioning it in case you haven’t heard about it and maybe it could suit your idea of the little one having stability.

Is he a good dad? I have one ex who is not a good dad and that level of contact would be incredibly damaging. My youngests dad is a shit partner but a decent father mostly (I think he lacks routine too much screens unhealthy food) but he has our 2 year old 50% of overnights and it’s fine for the kid. Drives me fucking mad he undermines all the effort I put into getting dd into reasonable bedtime but the kids is happy and bonded not emotionally harmed by having two homes at such a young age

Nothing wrong with 50/50, doesnt have to change each day, could be (this is nights, changeover time after school so 4-6pm) - Sun/Mon/Tues you, Weds/Thurs him, Fri/Sat you then reverses the week after.

how would you feel if he suggested he has her more ?

My daughter since the age of 3 has been as close to 50/50 with her Dad as possible. It doesn’t mean swapping every night but usually 4 nights a week with me and 3 with her Dad. Though over the course of the year it’s close to 50/50. She’s almost 10 and a very well adjusted and happy little girl. Though me and her Dad have always got on amicably which has been the key I think. Her Dad didn’t initially have his own home and lived with his parents until she was 5, but that didn’t phase her going to stay at Nannies/Daddies house. He has his own home now and she goes between each house like it’s perfectly normal. Doesn’t phase her one bit.

I have step children too who are slightly older, their parents have battled for 9 years and their Dad refused access on countless occasions which sadly resulted in court for custody. They are far less well adjusted children and have a lot of angst and anger which I believe mainly stems from their parents frictions and inability to communicate

I was going to suggest this too although the dad doesn’t sound very cooperative. Bearing sounds like a great option though to lessen the impact on kids.

50/50 doesn't mean switching houses every night.
That said - kids do need stability and his parents will need to provide a room for her and make it nice.
Don't despair. Negotiate your financial settlement - as your STBEH may be using child arrangement negotiations as something to poke you with to get a better deal (maybe?)
Eventually though - he will be getting his own place, no? He can't stay living with his parents in the long term?

If he is serious about having DD at his parents for extended periods - why not start setting up her room there now? And getting her used to that. She is still small, and presumably her grandparents love her. So - she should be comfortable there already.
I'd get involved in making that place as comfortable for her as possible. And suggest to H that he starts taking her there for short times now. And slowly increasing the time.

I think if you go that way - you'll both get comfortable with the idea of DD spending time there. And he/his parents will probably realise that 50% is a commitment they may not be ready for.