Can't get you out of my head...

Cheryllou · 2025-04-08T11:42:14+00:00

Okay have posted here before but three months on after my husband moved out I'm still totally loopy! Bit of background - 23 year marriage but together since we were 18. Last year husband went cool, admitted in July he wasn't happy and finally left me after Christmas. His dad had cancer throughout this period and died in October, which I'm sure has had a huge impact. Since then it's been appalling - I'm just about eating now, can't sleep without anxiety waking me at night and am constantly on edge, constantly thinking about him. I went no contact but I've been texting him a bit, trying to get him to talk more and come to counselling with me. He says he is listening, but isn't saying yes to any of it. He comes to the house regularly to pick up our teenagers and they seem to have a lovely time and it is so painful for me, I'm so jealous of all of them - I feel like I've been punished and chucked out of the family. The girls only get the sad me; I try and be up but I'm so, so sad and teary. The trouble is I can't accept we are over. I text him all the time, I guess it feels like a connection, but of course it isn't. Any advice? I know, don't text him. I just feel like we haven't talked enough and that there is real hope if we can communicate better. He was my best friend as well as my husband, so this loss has left me reeling. The summer months ahead scare me as I just think about what we could be doing. Everywhere I look is memories and families and I'm so sad and jealous. My life feels tiny now - I have friends but worry I'm bringing them down, and my family is small and far away. I literally feel I've lost my whole future. Please help.

RedHelenB · 08/04/2025 14:34

He's most likely seeing someone else. It's a cliche, but time does heal.

GreenwayHouse · 08/04/2025 14:57

Hi @Cheryllou
Just a quick one as I'm at work but wanted to say that I sympathise and I feel the same. My ex "D"P did similar to me. Now that the weather has turned nice, I'm really struggling too and am thinking of all the things we could be doing together too.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been trying to keep busy but it's hard not to feel down at times.

Perhaps your DH isn't doing as well as you think he is? I'm pretty sure mine is very depressed and that's why he blew up our whole relationship.

Marmaladegin · 08/04/2025 15:00

No, you’re focusing your energy in the wrong direction. You can’t make someone want you. Invest in therapy to help you plan a new future.

GreenwayHouse · 08/04/2025 15:02

Also, I'd say to stop texting for the simple reason that, as soon as you text, you're giving some power to him because you're waiting for a reply. It's like sticking a finger into a wound each time you do it. I get that it's frustrating when you haven't really had answers and you want to talk though - I've been there.

I think my x"D"P is emotionally stunted and is depressed because of various issues in his life last year and he couldn't talk about them, and so fixated on me as the problem. I wonder if your husband has focused on his grief on losing his dad on you and is depressed too. It's very frustrating, I know.

I think the summer months are particularly hard when it's nice weather and we want to be doing things outside with someone and as a family. And also with the bank holidays coming up - it's hard because everyone else seems to have plans with their partners and their families. I do sympathise.

I don't feel as if me and my ex talked enough either. I tried but he just stood there mute or cried and said he knew he had a problem. I got very little out of him. Your DH doesn't seem to want to talk more or doesn't seem capable right now and not having that closure is very painful and very hard to deal with.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. I find it very strange how some men (people? mainly men?) can switch off so easily while we're in such pain.

Original poster

Cheryllou · 08/04/2025 15:17

GreenwayHouse · 08/04/2025 15:02

Also, I'd say to stop texting for the simple reason that, as soon as you text, you're giving some power to him because you're waiting for a reply. It's like sticking a finger into a wound each time you do it. I get that it's frustrating when you haven't really had answers and you want to talk though - I've been there.

I think my x"D"P is emotionally stunted and is depressed because of various issues in his life last year and he couldn't talk about them, and so fixated on me as the problem. I wonder if your husband has focused on his grief on losing his dad on you and is depressed too. It's very frustrating, I know.

I think the summer months are particularly hard when it's nice weather and we want to be doing things outside with someone and as a family. And also with the bank holidays coming up - it's hard because everyone else seems to have plans with their partners and their families. I do sympathise.

I don't feel as if me and my ex talked enough either. I tried but he just stood there mute or cried and said he knew he had a problem. I got very little out of him. Your DH doesn't seem to want to talk more or doesn't seem capable right now and not having that closure is very painful and very hard to deal with.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. I find it very strange how some men (people? mainly men?) can switch off so easily while we're in such pain.

Edited

I know it's like they become completely shut down. I do hope the pain surfaces for them later on though... I know what you mean about outside influences. Our daughter left for uni last year, his sister died, he got a new very stressful job but worked from home so we were in each other's spaces all the time and his dad died. But he says no, the problem is me. I have to take that I guess, but I just feel he's making a big mistake. I know, I know, but it's much easier to say you have to accept it than actually do it. I'm seeing a psychotherapist but she's not really helping me tbh. I just want to break this obsessive thought pattern and make some plans. Just signed up to Match - just window shopping to make myself feel better!

OP posts:

GreenwayHouse · 08/04/2025 15:28

It sounds as if your xDH had a lot going on last year and he hasn't dealt with it very well. I can list five things that I know affected my x"D"P greatly last year, none of which were to do with me. He didn't talk to me and blamed his low mood on me because he's not emotionally articulate enough to understand why he might have been feeling depressed. It's easier to do that for them.

I'm sure all of these things will have affected your DH significantly and him leaving you won't have solved any of it. It's so frustrating when you can see it but they can't recognise it. Someone else said on another post that soon someone's DH will be buying a motorbike and will be following 'The Script'. Mine got his motorbike (from his first mid life crisis ten years ago...) shipped up from his parents' house where it was sat for many years and started following the script, although I'm pretty sure there's no OW. He has a low sex drive (didn't have any kind of sexual relationship with his ex wife for years at the end) so I don't think that's a big motivator for him. I read on another post about men suffering from low testosterone and I've wondered if that could be a factor for my x"D"P too. But nothing I can do about it.

I've been feeling very low myself these last few days and can empathise with everything you've written.

Happy to hand hold and sending you a virtual hug. It's hard, I know.

PS I'm not back trying OLD yet but am thinking about it. I belong to a running club in my hometown but am staying with a relative that I help to look after at the moment. I'm trying to motivate myself to go out with a local running club tonight rather than just going for a run on my own but I'm feeling down today and a bit intimidated about turning up when I won't know anyone. I am usually ok with these things but it's a struggle today. I'm trying to do things like that in an attempt to meet like minded people (men!) in real life if I can rather than go online but I think I will do that at some point eventually. Good luck with Match. Be careful and please don't let yourself get hurt by anyone when you're so vulnerable.

Original poster

Cheryllou · 08/04/2025 16:36

GreenwayHouse · 08/04/2025 15:28

It sounds as if your xDH had a lot going on last year and he hasn't dealt with it very well. I can list five things that I know affected my x"D"P greatly last year, none of which were to do with me. He didn't talk to me and blamed his low mood on me because he's not emotionally articulate enough to understand why he might have been feeling depressed. It's easier to do that for them.

I'm sure all of these things will have affected your DH significantly and him leaving you won't have solved any of it. It's so frustrating when you can see it but they can't recognise it. Someone else said on another post that soon someone's DH will be buying a motorbike and will be following 'The Script'. Mine got his motorbike (from his first mid life crisis ten years ago...) shipped up from his parents' house where it was sat for many years and started following the script, although I'm pretty sure there's no OW. He has a low sex drive (didn't have any kind of sexual relationship with his ex wife for years at the end) so I don't think that's a big motivator for him. I read on another post about men suffering from low testosterone and I've wondered if that could be a factor for my x"D"P too. But nothing I can do about it.

I've been feeling very low myself these last few days and can empathise with everything you've written.

Happy to hand hold and sending you a virtual hug. It's hard, I know.

PS I'm not back trying OLD yet but am thinking about it. I belong to a running club in my hometown but am staying with a relative that I help to look after at the moment. I'm trying to motivate myself to go out with a local running club tonight rather than just going for a run on my own but I'm feeling down today and a bit intimidated about turning up when I won't know anyone. I am usually ok with these things but it's a struggle today. I'm trying to do things like that in an attempt to meet like minded people (men!) in real life if I can rather than go online but I think I will do that at some point eventually. Good luck with Match. Be careful and please don't let yourself get hurt by anyone when you're so vulnerable.

Edited

Go to the group run. Not for who you will meet but for you. You will feel great, or if not great, a bit better about yourself for going. Everyone has to have a first time. I'm off to pilates but that's full of middle aged women like me!

OP posts:

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 08/04/2025 16:56

Cheryllou · 08/04/2025 16:36

Go to the group run. Not for who you will meet but for you. You will feel great, or if not great, a bit better about yourself for going. Everyone has to have a first time. I'm off to pilates but that's full of middle aged women like me!

Show quote history

This response made me smile, OP. You’ve given this such a great response! You need to take some of your own advice and see Pilates as something for you! If you do things for yourself (Pilates, dating, anything really) it’ll change you in different ways. You’ll become fitter, more knowledgeable about whatever, start to love this, realise you really don’t like that, but do it all for you. Create a busy life doing things and then the other things you have done in the past eg do things with your ex, they will fade in importance I think.

Original poster

Cheryllou · 09/04/2025 10:19

GreenwayHouse · 08/04/2025 15:28

It sounds as if your xDH had a lot going on last year and he hasn't dealt with it very well. I can list five things that I know affected my x"D"P greatly last year, none of which were to do with me. He didn't talk to me and blamed his low mood on me because he's not emotionally articulate enough to understand why he might have been feeling depressed. It's easier to do that for them.

I'm sure all of these things will have affected your DH significantly and him leaving you won't have solved any of it. It's so frustrating when you can see it but they can't recognise it. Someone else said on another post that soon someone's DH will be buying a motorbike and will be following 'The Script'. Mine got his motorbike (from his first mid life crisis ten years ago...) shipped up from his parents' house where it was sat for many years and started following the script, although I'm pretty sure there's no OW. He has a low sex drive (didn't have any kind of sexual relationship with his ex wife for years at the end) so I don't think that's a big motivator for him. I read on another post about men suffering from low testosterone and I've wondered if that could be a factor for my x"D"P too. But nothing I can do about it.

I've been feeling very low myself these last few days and can empathise with everything you've written.

Happy to hand hold and sending you a virtual hug. It's hard, I know.

PS I'm not back trying OLD yet but am thinking about it. I belong to a running club in my hometown but am staying with a relative that I help to look after at the moment. I'm trying to motivate myself to go out with a local running club tonight rather than just going for a run on my own but I'm feeling down today and a bit intimidated about turning up when I won't know anyone. I am usually ok with these things but it's a struggle today. I'm trying to do things like that in an attempt to meet like minded people (men!) in real life if I can rather than go online but I think I will do that at some point eventually. Good luck with Match. Be careful and please don't let yourself get hurt by anyone when you're so vulnerable.

Edited

Did you go to the running club?

OP posts:

GreenwayHouse · 09/04/2025 12:06

HI @Cheryllou
I did. No hot eligible men, unfortunately (I think they all went out with a faster group!)! But did a nice run around my home town and met some nice people.

How are you today?

Original poster

Cheryllou · 09/04/2025 14:14

Pretty low tbh. Lots of anxiety making me feel bleurgh and just feeling really scared for my future. It really gets you some days. Plus husband organising times to see girls over Easter - it's so hard when last year we were all together. Gritting teeth ...

OP posts:

Babysteps123 · 10/04/2025 07:06

I'm not in your situation at the moment, but I have had a similar experience in the past. In retrospect, the things that helped me the most were - crying and really letting everything out at least once per day when alone (I used to shut myself in a cupboard so that the neighbours wouldn't hear!), writing my thoughts and feelings down, online support from others going through similar (I don't know if it still exists but I used the Depression Fallout Message Forum a lot in the first 6 months or so). I also had a poor experience with a psychotherapist, but when you find a good counsellor it can make a world of difference. I would say keep looking until you click with someone, maybe seeing a relationship counsellor on your own might help. And, I don't mean to be preachy, but I would steer clear of online dating (or any dating) until you are much more healed, try to get back to yourself and enjoying your life first. I'm sorry, I know it's desperately hard, but you will get through it one step at a time x

OldwiseOwl · 10/04/2025 14:03

Can you plan something for yourself or with your daughter's over the Easter break? Distraction really helps. It's good to have a plan but also right now it's better to take one day at a time. Have you managed to go no/low contact yet?

BeerAndMusic · 10/04/2025 14:29

Cheryllou · 09/04/2025 14:14

Pretty low tbh. Lots of anxiety making me feel bleurgh and just feeling really scared for my future. It really gets you some days. Plus husband organising times to see girls over Easter - it's so hard when last year we were all together. Gritting teeth ...

Thats the worst thing, thinking a year ago we did this, 2 years ago we did that. When you revisit a place you went for the day, or had a nice meal, same again.

I was lucky, my ex-wife was so nasty after split that hatred crept in soon and so was easy to move on. Deleted all pics, no contact at all since xmas now (we did last year over kids but that became abusive so blocked her at Xmas, all comms through kids).

Try and find different things to do. If money allows take yourself off for a weekend away, just a cheap Ryanair flight and one night to explore. Or start a new hobby like running or playing guitar or something. keep busy with friends.