Stuck in limbo living with STBX and emotions are all over the place

[Chalfonts40something]

I know I am not alone in feeling all of the feelings, but my emotions are so up and down at the moment and I could really do with some reassurance that it's all going to be ok in the end.
I am in a slightly different (better?) situation than many, in that there has been no infidelity and I have been the one to (reluctantly) choose to end the relationship. That said, the past few years have been very very difficult living with my STBX and I have only stayed so long because of our son (currently 5yo). Making the decision to finally end the relationship has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I am still often in denial and constantly doubting myself, not helped by the fact that we are still living together and have not yet told our son.
STBX is a very damaged man, who is not all bad but was completely emotionally neglected as a child and, as a result, has little to no emotional intelligence and is very dismissive of my feelings, never comforts me when I need it and has never wanted the closeness that I thought everyone wanted in a relationship. I have worked tirelessly to make it work, and yet it never felt like we were on the same team. Despite this, I am constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm letting my son down, if there was more that I should have done, if I'm going to look back with regret and wish myself back to this time of limbo which I am hating, but also allows me to live in the nice house I chose and see my son everyday.
I know most people here are likely to be in the earlier stages of separation, but is anyone who is a bit further down the line able to offer any hope? Is anyone happier? Especially if any of the above resonates with your previous situation. Thanks in advance.

Hi, just wanted to let you know that the situation you describe sounds very similar to my situation about 16 months ago.

I decided to end the relationship. But we decided to stay living together for our son (who was 6 at the time), for financial reasons and because at the time l was in therapy for PTSD. Initially the arrangement was to be just for a few months, but the months turned into a year an now heading towards 18 months.

We are still living together and co parenting. And our relationship is now so much better. We aren't in anyway looking to stay together, but we understand one another better and have a really good relationship for the sake of our son.
There is no longer any animosity between us, the grief associated with accepting the end of our relationship has passed, we are both looking forward to seperate lives and we can have calm and open discussions about future arrangement with our son.

But it really does sound like your STBX may need counselling. His past experiences will affect all of his relationships, including that with your son.

I really hope this helps, things really can get better.

Thank you for your kind words. I totally agree about the counselling but unfortunately he's not interested. We did just 4 sessions of couples' therapy before he pulled the plug. I see someone every week myself and find it very helpful, but he just doesn't think there's a need, which is part of the problem.
Thanks for sharing your experience -wow, 16 months is a long time! Glad things have got easier though. Can I ask whether your son knows that you are not 'together'? Are you open about the situation with others in your life? Do you still do much as a family? I'm trying to work out whether there's a way of managing the day-to-day that would help me to feel better about it all.
Sorry for all the questions and thanks again for responding to my post.

Hello @Chalfonts40something

I haven’t got any advice to give, however I wanted to comment as I am in a very similar situation at the moment and when you’re going through things like this it can be a small comfort to know you are not alone.

I decided to end my relationship with my DH a couple of months ago. He is not a ‘bad’ man and there has been no infidelity or major awful event, but he’s always been quite emotionally absent and I just need something more from a relationship. I’d actually be happier on my own rather than feeling so lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage.

We too are still currently living together whilst I look for another house to buy and the emotions are very difficult to deal with. We have two young children and we have told them we are separating, which was an incredibly difficult conversation to have but I wanted to be upfront with them so they could start to process and adjust.

There will be very difficult and confusing times ahead but I think you are doing the right thing. You aren’t letting your son down - all he will ever want is for his Mum to be happy. I promise you that you will be OK and life will get better ❤️

Sending you lots of love and strength for the future 💐

Following x

So to answer some of your questions...
We haven't had any sort of discussion with our son, but we have separate rooms and we're not married. We have never really been affectionate towards one another but we do need to have the conversation with him soon.

We are open about our relationship, our families and close friends know but casual acquaintances, parents of our sons friends etc. don't know.

We have a calendar where we have days each where one of us is responsible for everything childcare related. So getting dressed, school drop off and pick up, activities, cooking dinner, bedtime, one person does everythign on their 'day', as if they were a single parent. The other parent is usually around of course and can help if needed. But initially I did spend some time at my sisters or overnight in a hotel. At the moment, we have a three on/ three off arrangement as this is what we would look to do if living separately with 50/50 childcare split.

We do still have days where we do things together, maybe once a month, usually a day or afternoon out somewhere.
We spent Christmas together and will look to do this in the future. We have seperate holidays but did have 1 holiday together last year the three if us, to somewhere we have been every year. We are going again this year in the summer. We have seperate rooms.

Hope this helps and happy to answer any questions.

I found that the stage that you’re in to be the worst. When he walked in the front door, it was like a plaster being ripped off and healing started after he moved out.

💐 I was the one dumped but things became easier once he physically left.

Thank you for sharing and commenting and I'm so sorry that we're in the same boat, but it is nice to know I'm not alone :-)

Thank you for saying that. Some days I'm totally ok with it, but some days I find it so hard and it's good to know that that's justified and that things will be easier once I have some distance. That's what my gut's telling me too.

Sending you a hug in case you're in a similar situation x