I've been married 10 years, 12 years together. It has never been stable. Always had issues but kept fighting on. We planned on having children and being a family but 5 years ago he suddenly decided he didn't want children. No real explanation. I stuck around hoping that woyld change. I'm 40 now. I didn't get my family. I have such resentment toward him. He applies minimal effort to anything. I am the boss around the house, house work, house admin, main money maker (he works a full time job) and do not feel an ounce of feminine energy from myself at all. I've begged for communication and romance for 10 years. No change. In fact, I'm sure he thinks I'm the problem, always on at him, what now, he says. I wouldn't have to be if he engaged in our relationship. I'm invisible in my own home. He doesn't look up from his phone to even notice I'm there. Ive found naughties on his phone several times over the years. Knocked my confidence silly. He is not a horrible man on purpose i don't think, just doesn't see his hurtful behaviour maybe. Not interested in putting in effort for change, ive come to the conclusion this is because he has everything he needs to why bother. No interest in filling my cup.
I'm British, he is Australian. We started off life in Australia. I had a young daughter, we didn't cope well so came back to the UK. He didn't know if he would come as didn't want to leave Australia. He ended up coming after a vigorous 7 mouths of 16 hour work days, 6 days a week to prove i can support him when he got here for the visa. He never helps with anything. We just bought a house. Didn't help with a single piece of paperwork, just signed where I told him to, didn't read, take interest or really even help pack up our house. Mostly sat playing on his phone. Didn't take the day off work for moving, i dealt with that chaos. Just rocked up in the evening and ate the takeaway and enjoyed the new house i supplied.
He has never really been a father to my daughter. She is now 20 years old and often over the years asked why he doesn't like her. I feel like I have failed her.
Romance, off the cards. Basic communication, zero. No interest in talking to me, making plans, going out with me, day trips i have to drag him out and he will hardly say a word and he never has any ideas, I have to plan and decide everything. I'm adhd and have struggles. He has no interest in learning about that or supporting me, in fact just sees me as a problem. I feel like a stupid burden.
We also have the mother in law over at the moment which is double heavy. He is the way he is because of her and it's hard work. I'm alone in this house and marriage. My daughter leaves for Uni in August and I can't bare being alone in this house with him.
I think im ready to leave but I don't know how. He is very good at making my vaild points invalid with a few words, he makes me feel like I'm being pathetic within seconds. I'm scared if I try i will not be taken seriously.
How do I do this? I'm not very good at keeping all info in my mind at one time and will stutter and not look serious and strong.
Should i make a list and keep near by should i need a nudge? Write him a letter? At least that way I'm certain to say all I have too?
And then what? We've just bought a house. I know in eyes of the law it's all 50/50 but actually 90% of the money that has gone into this house is mine, I work 100 hours a week. Most of the money in our savings have come from me.
I don't know how he will react or what he will want from me after. Whether he will want to stay in the house or even the UK. He may go straight back to Australia. As much as I don't want this marriage anymore, I'm sad about how it has all gone and why I couldn't be loved. Maybe i really am the problem?! How can you tell if you're the problem but can't see it?
Can I please hear your experiences? What made you decide to leave? How did you do it? How did it go? How did you cope after?
Thank you all.
I really need some guidance. I have to get out before I break. ❤️