Feeling upset even though it's the right thing

[Sarahd3342]

Hi

My stbxh walked out approximately 11 months ago. It was all pre meditated and planned. I was none the wiser.
We have been through the courts for child arrangements and also financial matters. I have not stopped since he left and have been looking after our little one. We had a final hearing earlier this month.

But today I feel so sad and upset and I don't know why.
I list all the things he has done and surely I can't want him back? Walking out, planning it, having no emotional intelligence which strained things when we were together, so controlling, everything being his way, he was miserable, I had the ick, I hated sleeping with him, he cancelled IVF part way through a cycle in the past, he constantly deflected things onto me, he kept dragging up my PND years later, he offered no emotional support when my sister died, I felt I couldn't watch what I wanted on TV, we have completely different parenting approaches, no communication, he didn't listen to me, I felt so unbelievably free when he left.

But why am I suddenly all so upset? Am I mourning something that didn't exist? I'm thinking back to say 6 years ago before we had our little one and we did nice things together, just us (but I still didn't enjoy sleeping with him). I just can't work it out. I'm gutted that our LO does not have the nuclear family they deserve. But it wouldn't be right them being brought up to think parents have separate bedrooms (because that's where we were). I'm 35. I just don't know why I'm upset. Maybe it is the thought.of him moving on (and he's ready to move on, he has said countless times and is already out there dating)

Anyone got any advice?

You’re grieving the life you expected to have, be kind to yourself.

You're upset because you've reached the end of an awful process and you're still hurting. Grief isn't linear.

I'm two years out of a marriage to a terrible man who cheated a lot. I find im mourning the loss of a dream, the loss of a golden wedding anniversary. The loss of being able to trust people. It's not HIM I miss. I could gladly never see him again in my life he destroyed me. But I miss being a wife. I miss waking up with someone every morning. I miss the dream of my marriage not the miserable reality of what it was.

It gets easier. Be kind to yourself.

I'm in the same position too, grieving 36 years, it's incredibly hard and you can only think of what you should have had, what you envisaged your future looking like. Mine I have just found out is out dating already, which is another kick. Everytime you think you miss him, think of a happy place YOU love and take your mind away from the 'missing' him thought. Go with the grief it will get easier. And be kind to yourself, have a pamper bath, candles smellie bubble bath face masks, go do lovely things, a cafe and eat cake, splash in puddles with LO, go to the beach with LO and start making new memories. You will be ok. Im not yet but it is easing and it is a roller coaster of emotions.