Contact with child - reasonable?

[Walesmam23]

Ex H has bought DC (6) an iPad. No birthday or anything, just bought an iPad, for the hell if it. He set up an account on it and now wants the iPad I have (communal and old) to be registered to DC so he can message whenever he wants to.

I refused that but added him as a contact and he has messaged constantly all evening, sending videos, telling DC what toys he’s buying for next time they are there etc. I have quite strict time for DC to use screens and now I’m getting upset because they ‘want to message daddy’ when I ask them to come off.

This all feels quite invasive. DC take pictures and videos and I’m in the background, and I feel bad telling them to come off and feel like the bad guy. It feels like but another attempt for this narcissist to manipulate.

What are your thoughts? How do your kids communicate with your exes?

This would be a hard no from me.

I think you need to be clear it isn’t working . Block him on it .

Thank you. My gut is that it’s too much and I hate the invasion, can I ask why it would be a no? I feel like I’m being unreasonable.

How recent is the split @Walesmam23?

On the surface I can see why you find it invasive, but perhaps it is just as simple as a dad missing his child.

I would maybe try and find a happy medium...say 15 mins when first home from school and 15 mins before bed for example.

Unless there is a history of abusive and controlling behaviour then I think you need to find a way around it.

Because this is your time with Dc ..

I f he is actually an interested Dad you could schedule a phone call a couple of times a week .

I would not have my family time dictated by ex .

I also think your Dc need structure of contact . Daddy will phone on Monday and Wednesday so they aren’t always waiting for his call .

how often does he see Dc?

This. That has happened previously on here. Multiple times. Was a method to control the mother.

end it. Or have a strict 39 minutes of access but jot constant access policy.

I'd set a schedule, so the child is available for messaging between x-y time on set days, and messages sent outside of these times will have to wait.

Can you use the parental controls to lock the messaging app outside these times?

We’ve been split for two years and he was never bothered before, but now the divorce is getting nasty it’s just another thing that’s happened. He’s very manipulative and nasty. He’s recently reduced CM by fiddling his tax, despite earning 5x what I do and knowing I struggle big time financially - but took DC to buy stupidly expensive Mother’s Day gifts, in my mind as a massive FU to me. He’s a horrid, horrid man.

He says he should be able to speak to DC whenever he wants and they should be able to speak to them whenever they want. We have just under 50/50 care so it’s not like there are ever big gaps. I think you’re right about structure, thank you.

I would do this too.

I dont see an issue, it is his child too and why should the child be 'punished' with no/limited contact.

Ok, mine are older (14/12 when we split) and they ring/message me when at mums and message/ring her when with me. Ok, I would ask them not to if say we were out for a meal or doing something special but she is their parent too and should be able to speak when they want to.

Maybe the age thing is a big differentiator, I will ring mine to see what they need from supermarket or for dinner, or if they plan to be in or out Friday night with friends. Or even just ring for a chat (not that you get much chat with a teen).

At 6 there needs to be boundaries. In your home you control when he can speak to the child, as he can do when the child is with him.

as they grow older the child will get a voice and a say but at 6, no.

I don’t know what your contact patter is but you say near 50:50 so if your child is with you 4 days as example say that on day 3 you’ll set up a 30 min slot etc.