The marriage has failed, we both carried on in a business like transaction for three years, we have two daughters 6 and 8 and absolutely zero family support as we live far away. I married him during an intense period of grief, I lost my sister traumatically within 24 hours, I lost my sense of life and purpose. He provided stability and care, he had proposed the year before and I had already said no once, so this I feel is all of my fault, that we are not actually in love and have never been :-(((((
We have not been intimate since 5 years I tried to have the IUD and initiate 2 maximum three times, by the last time I was crying (5 years ago). It has been an incredibly tough few years trying for the kids, we battled miscarriages, parents cancer, job loss, job reintegration and now we have two apartment and despite asking him to leave he will not. He explains that he loves the girls and will fight for them 100%, this has gone on quite some time, to the point that to get him to leave I need to get a protective measure put in place. He is not violent, but just wont leave and this is severely impacting me an I imagine the girls in the end.
Finally two years ago I actually fell in love, for the first time in my life. We were raising our daughters in a business like fashion, but this was not a true relationship. I announced the new person (of course not to my children, but I was honest from day 1),
I feel like such a shit for what im doing to my daughters as they will now have to share two homes through a rotating schedule. There is part of me saying just shut up and bear the business like transaction for How long ?........
Then a second part that if Im happy, my girls will be happy and we will all readjust, it will be hard at first but we will adjust.
I think you can see how I feel this is all my fault, that I have failed everyone. I have not lied and I have always been honest about the state of the relationship, we tried sex therapy, couples therapy, spa retreats with full childcare, weekends away, dinners all to try to reignite the spark. But life is so hard now and he resents me so much, again we remain in the business like transaction and this brings no emotional or intimate satisfaction.
Many friends say I should have gone sooner, however as in life there was always one thing after another, a leg brake four months including surgery, a job loss (two years), a parents cancer battle and subsequent death, (3 years).
I know what I need to do, this is so incredibly hard - I dont know how I ended up making so many wrong turns in my life, now I am trying to do things right and it still feels so hard. I guess the expression its either hard or hard is very relevant here.... I feel like I tried to love my current partner, I tried so hard, but we are too different and there is quite an age gap, I also felt that little voice at the start with doubts but had so much grief and trauma that I have done this to everyone.
If you have arrived to this point, thank you for reading and all advice is appreciated.
From a 40 year mum at a huge crossroads in her life xxx