Does my ex taking our children on holiday count as his normal days?

[40somethingmumma]

Hi all, looking for any help/ advice. My ex and I have an arrangement agreed between us that he has our son 5 nights per month. He won’t give me set days for this due to his work so I have to make plans around what suits his job and social life which is hugely stressful because I can’t ever do more at work because my days are never the same! My question is when he takes our son on holiday this year in August he is saying he will only see him two of his 5 nights that month and I think it should be holidays are considered extra. Not sure how to search this online or if that’s even the case. Anyone have experience with this? We’ve been doing this for 3 years now and mostly we get along really well and coparent very successfully but he still manages to shock me with his idea of what doing ‘my bit’ looks like and threatening me with not taking them away anymore if I make things difficult by asking for the usual days that month.

The thing is he can do this but does it make him an asshole? Yes absolutely

Sadly there’s no law against pathetic fathers!

You could always hit back and demand his 5 days upfront? Why does he not get a rota?

Don’t give him control like this

Morally he shouldn’t, but legally he can.

The unpredictable days would drive me nuts. I’d get a CAO which would give you fixed days - he might not stick to them so he would have them less, but you wouldn’t be beholden to him.

He does have a rota but refuses to share it with me and so I have to continually ask for the dates he’s having them. I try to get a few months at a time but he isn’t forthcoming with them at times. They never have a routine to them
because he doesn’t only factor work he has a life to think of first. 🙈

Call his bluff? “Ok don’t have him anymore then? That would make my work life much easier thank you”

does your DC need a dad who can’t put them first? Because that’s what he’s doing when he won’t give you set days and only waits to see if he’s got better offers or if he’s going to prioritize work.

It sounds like a ridiculous arrangement and really difficult for you, but I'd say if the agreement is 5 random days per month, the days he takes them away will count as his days.

Sorry but you are not 'coparenting' with him. You are parenting alone and pandering to him. 5 nights a month? He is not parenting he is borrowing a child a few nights and pretending he is a father. I would just simply go about my own business and make my own plans with life and work and holidays and when he fancies asking for his 5 measly nights find out when it suits YOU to send him there. Arsehole.

Stop being so flexible. He must give you dates X amount in advance. If he doesn't you'll make plans and son may not be available for contact.

You don't have to be a dick about it and refuse all dates, but if you make plans and he suddenly asks for him have a stock phrase to send him in writing: "I'm afraid that doesn't work for us, we have plans. Please let me know at least X amount in advance in the future as agreed on Y date so I can make sure son is available for contact as its really important for him to have time with you"

Then if he goes to court all he has is messages from you being reasonable asking for notice and saying how important it is he sees him.