STBXH Cohabiting crap

PinkGorilla · 2025-03-25T20:30:50+00:00

My STBXH ended our marriage via email 8 weeks ago. He then proceeded to be cold and callous for weeks, treating our separation like a business transaction. He was being very pushy to get his terms for a financial split agreed to and would use narcissistic tactics if I disagreed. Now we've agreed on a financial split, he's calmed down and is chatting to me around the house as though we're mates. Can he not see how he can't just go from ending and 11yr relationship by emailing me divorce papers with no conversation first, to being cohabiting friends? Now I look like the bitch for telling him I'm not his mate, so stop speaking to me like one. Anyone else experienced this? There's no remorse or sadness at all on his part. He's just discarded me as fast as possible in a cruel, rushed way and now wants to be friends. It's like he just doesn't get it!

GreenwayHouse · 25/03/2025 22:53

Yes, I’ve felt the same with my ex (NotD)P. It’s like I meant nothing to him after nearly 9 years.

No words of wisdom for you, I’m afraid, but just wanted to say you’re not alone. And it baffles me how they behave like this.

It sounds as if, now your STBXH has got what he wants, he’s calmed down and thinks you can be friends. I don’t know how my ex thought we could be friends after the shameful way he treated me. What planet are they on?!

Summerhillsquare · 25/03/2025 23:10

"now I look like the bitch", who says? And why does their opinion matter more than your feelings?

PancakesForElephants · 26/03/2025 08:02

Yup, mine too. Ended it one night after 20+ years, told everyone including DC next day, helpfully said there was no regret or anger his side, and thinks I've been unreasonable to be angry/upset/whatever and not friends.

Obvs there's an OW.

I found it helpful but very much not easy to try to also be breezy/business like. Difficult not to cry at start, though. It's very disorientating to go from "partner" to "person you live with who's seeing someone else" in a few days/weeks/months.

Unfortunately I think this sort of man hides their plans, and by the time they tell you it's over, they've already been through any emotions, if any, and are out the other side.

You're totally allowed to be angry/sad/whatever because you are not a robot.

Frazzled54 · 26/03/2025 16:39

Yep, my EXH of almost 20 years told
me he had met someone else and offloaded his affair then actually said ‘that feels so much better. Now we are talking.. i’m having a beer. Do you want to glass of wine?’ within 20 minutes of blowing my World apart.
As things went on I discovered he had been planning (mentally and financially) to leave me for almost a year so he had already moved on emotionally.
9 months down the line and I still struggle.
The initial ‘friendliness’ soon changed when he realised I wasn’t bending to his coercive bullying tactics over the split finances and got a solicitor.

They are no longer your friend, they don’t care about you and they will lie, lie and lie again.

Boobyslims · 27/03/2025 11:34

OP, my ex is doing the exact same in the house!! Told me on 5th January that we needed a bigger house and we should start looking. Then that evening he told me he’d found the perfect house - he showed it to me, it was smaller than where we are - I was perplexed / confused… and then it hit me… he wasn’t planning on coming to the new house!! That is how i was informed we were breaking up!!!! Which I said directly, and his response was all in the passive/avoidance - it might be nicer there off you go, like it was nothing???!!!!! After almost twenty years!!!!

And then proceeded to send me bi-weekly emails with random, entirely unsuitable houses that I should buy. He even went to view them (without telling me) and would then email lists of “compelling reasons” why it is the perfect house for me and the kids. How they wouldn’t even notice we had moved!!!!

i am desperate to get out of here as it is beyond bonkers but all he is doing is doing his usual overbearing persuasion tactics to suit his agenda.

so that’s over email.

then to my FACE - it’s all did you hear trump today?’, ‘Did you hear about so and and so’a brother in law, he’s in hospital with gout’ - etc etc trivial gossip nonsense and doesn’t say a single word about anything real.

I just reel from the multi personas I’m now dealing with!

get me out of here!! It’s just MADNESS.

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 11:36

It's because he needs the narrative that things are amicable, it was a mutually agreed decision etc.

You don't have to engage. It's okay to be cold and tell him you don't want to engage. Or just to walk out of the room and move on.

Codlingmoths · 27/03/2025 11:57

Boobyslims · 27/03/2025 11:34

OP, my ex is doing the exact same in the house!! Told me on 5th January that we needed a bigger house and we should start looking. Then that evening he told me he’d found the perfect house - he showed it to me, it was smaller than where we are - I was perplexed / confused… and then it hit me… he wasn’t planning on coming to the new house!! That is how i was informed we were breaking up!!!! Which I said directly, and his response was all in the passive/avoidance - it might be nicer there off you go, like it was nothing???!!!!! After almost twenty years!!!!

And then proceeded to send me bi-weekly emails with random, entirely unsuitable houses that I should buy. He even went to view them (without telling me) and would then email lists of “compelling reasons” why it is the perfect house for me and the kids. How they wouldn’t even notice we had moved!!!!

i am desperate to get out of here as it is beyond bonkers but all he is doing is doing his usual overbearing persuasion tactics to suit his agenda.

so that’s over email.

then to my FACE - it’s all did you hear trump today?’, ‘Did you hear about so and and so’a brother in law, he’s in hospital with gout’ - etc etc trivial gossip nonsense and doesn’t say a single word about anything real.

I just reel from the multi personas I’m now dealing with!

get me out of here!! It’s just MADNESS.

Bloody hell. Ask him every time if he’s showed the kids and said he wants mum and them to move there. Physically ask him - that house you emailed me, have you told the kids you want them to get out of your life with me and shove off there?

Original poster

PinkGorilla · 27/03/2025 13:35

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 11:36

It's because he needs the narrative that things are amicable, it was a mutually agreed decision etc.

You don't have to engage. It's okay to be cold and tell him you don't want to engage. Or just to walk out of the room and move on.

Yes this is true. He keeps saying, 'I left you because...' and then swiftly correcting himself and saying, 'we decided to split up because.' He also filled out an application for divorce and said he wanted to do a joint application in which I had two weeks to reply. I waited until the very last day and then replied, because he said he would just do a sole application anyway. Now he's insisting that we both agreed to divorce and both filed for divorce. He's adamant he hasn't pushed me out ASAP, even though he was following me around with the calculator the day after ending things and offering me shitty, rundown houses in the village. Now he's just had his new sofa delivered, which he ordered two weeks after us separating. I haven't even got a move out date yet and he's moving new furniture in and saying, he HAD to buy a sofa as we both agreed I was having the old one. We hadn't even discussed things like that when he ordered it. It's a huge monstrosity sat in the living room right behind our usual sofa. My 19yr old daughter (not his biological child) is very upset about how he's pushing us out and moving new sofas etc in before we've even left.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkGorilla · 27/03/2025 13:36

Boobyslims · 27/03/2025 11:34

OP, my ex is doing the exact same in the house!! Told me on 5th January that we needed a bigger house and we should start looking. Then that evening he told me he’d found the perfect house - he showed it to me, it was smaller than where we are - I was perplexed / confused… and then it hit me… he wasn’t planning on coming to the new house!! That is how i was informed we were breaking up!!!! Which I said directly, and his response was all in the passive/avoidance - it might be nicer there off you go, like it was nothing???!!!!! After almost twenty years!!!!

And then proceeded to send me bi-weekly emails with random, entirely unsuitable houses that I should buy. He even went to view them (without telling me) and would then email lists of “compelling reasons” why it is the perfect house for me and the kids. How they wouldn’t even notice we had moved!!!!

i am desperate to get out of here as it is beyond bonkers but all he is doing is doing his usual overbearing persuasion tactics to suit his agenda.

so that’s over email.

then to my FACE - it’s all did you hear trump today?’, ‘Did you hear about so and and so’a brother in law, he’s in hospital with gout’ - etc etc trivial gossip nonsense and doesn’t say a single word about anything real.

I just reel from the multi personas I’m now dealing with!

get me out of here!! It’s just MADNESS.

Gosh they sound identical....even down to talking about Trump

OP posts:

Tosca23 · 27/03/2025 23:44

Sorry you are going through this. Been through similar and it is simultaneously shocking and heart breaking. It’s like you never knew them at all. The one piece of advice I’d offer is with shock you are in no place to make big financial decisions re financial split etc. There is no rush and no easy way your ex can rush you on these matters. It’s potentially not in your interests to be rushed when in shock. Solicitors letters are just that, they can seem threatening but don’t mean much without court or mediation. The best thing for your own piece of mind may be to move out and get away from him. Have you thought about possibly getting a bit of space and distance?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/03/2025 23:46

Listen to 'it's not you' by dr ramani it's so good for dealing with narcissists and healing

Mistyglade · 28/03/2025 00:00

Mine did this, he even high fucking fived me at the dinner table a few days after he decided DS and I were moving out. It was hideous. 9 years later and I’ve had the last laugh. I’m happy and he’s still in the exact same place he was when DS and I left. Took me a few years to establish myself but I’m thriving.

Codlingmoths · 28/03/2025 00:06

I’d be spilling something on his new sofa…

CheekyHobson · 28/03/2025 00:11

My ex verbally, financially and emotionally abused me over several years, as well as lying to me about all sorts of things, continues to be difficult and disengaged with parenting to this day.

For some reason he can’t process that civil parallel parenting, rather than a chummy friendship where we have dinner together with the kids once a month, is the only kind of relationship I’m prepared to have with him.