Talk me through the first 3 months…

[alongtimecoming1]

I think we’re nearing the end of the line. I’m very apprehensive about going it alone, and all the practical things he we’d need to sort out. I just want to fast forward a few months to being happy and settled, with the worst bit over.

We have a house to sell, and a 4yo DC to make arrangements for. I’m hoping we can keep things amicable, but I know I will find it hard to be away from DC.

can you talk me through your experiences of the first few months after separating please? It’s also practical things, like how to physically move house and furniture etc.

thank you

It kind of just takes on a momentum of its own really. Once the decision is made, solicitors instructed both for the divorce and selling the house. Unfortunately it all takes time, even when it's fairly amicable. I asked for a divorce in the autumn and the whole thing was finalised including the house sale by the following summer.

I actually left our house with my child and moved in with my parents - leaving my husband at the house. Quite unusual really, but my parents wanted to help, and it was the right thing for me to get away and have their support.

I went back obviously just for two days to supervise the removal people, and paid extra for them to pack. I was fortunate in that after living with my parents for a while, I was able to rent the property next door to them from my brother.

It was one of the most difficult times of my life, to be honest - the uncertainty and stress is hard. I felt that everything I'd worked for for over twenty years was at risk. I had the added disadvantage that I was a stay at home mother at this point. But you do get through it, and I was so happy to be free and able to create a new life for me and my child. I never looked back. After a few token visits, he didn't bother to see our child, and never paid any maintenance. That honestly didn't bother me, I was glad to have a clean break, although of course it did cause emotional problems for our child later on for which some counselling was needed. But as he was an alcoholic it was a relief for me, I went back to work a few months after the divorce and got our lives back on track. Through work I met my lovely husband, and we've been together for nearly 30 years and he is an amazing dad to my now adult child.

You absolutely can do this - one day at a time. Get family support too, if possible - it massively helps. And of course a very good solicitor!

You need to decide on housing in the short term, this is definitely dependent upon your situation and income - moving in with family might be a solution, renting another property might work, or if your house is a decent size you could have separate rooms but under one roof while you start the process.

you file for divorce online these days as its straightforward and no need for a solicitor to fill in the form. You then need to discuss the money which may mean selling your house, splitting pensions etc - a mediator could help you decide if you are not agreeing or you can engage a solicitor each (if you can agree you only need one solicitor to write up the consent order). After 20 weeks from filing you can apply for the provisional order, at which point you can then file your consent order, 6 weeks and 1 day later you file for the final order.

child arrangements can be worked out privately or using a mediator or solicitors, child maintenance can be sorted via the same process for the first year or just use the cms.

I’ve done it recently and everything was very straightforward as far as forms etc, definitely don’t waste money on getting a solicitor to file the divorce paperwork, the money side is situation dependent

Mid way through the process, well we have the Conditional Order and he can apply for the final order in May. I don't think we'll be quite there as haven't exchanged Form Es yet. I left the family home in July and moved in with my parents so that DD5 could start school and we wouldn't then need to move her. The house is on the market but not sold yet, I'm hoping that we'll get some more interest moving into Spring.
It would be nice to have bought my own place and be in by Christmas but that feels like a pipe dream at the moment! We both have Solicitors, I've done a lot myself though to try and keep costs down.
You can do most of the initial paperwork yourself but it might be worth having a second set of eyes to make sure you have a fair financial outcome. Practically, remember that whilst juggling all of the plates and trying to support DC you need to look after yourself too. I feel like it's only the last month or so that I've started to settle into our new routine, not helped by a lot of change at work too.
I'm having to pick my battles over our different parenting styles but, at least for now, DD is happy to accept that different houses have different rules. (I very much accept that I don't get a say on 'his' time but it's me that deals with the consequences) Wishing you well for whatever comes next.