Am I doing the right thing here?

[devildeepbluesea]

ExDH and I have been divorced for a good few years now. We have been separated since DD was 4, and she is now 12. We have always had an amicable co-parenting relationship, 50/50 which has worked well for everyone - including DD.

However ExDH does struggle with his mental health. Every few months he has a blip which has a negative effect on DD. During these episodes he is completely paranoid and blames me for preventing him from seeing her (I don't, ever) and is horrible to her: tells her it's her behaviour that's making him ill, how it's all her fault and other stuff. I have recordings of several phone conversations and screenshots of countless WhatsApp rants.

He had one such episode last night, and DD decided she wasn't up to talking to him. I would usually try to persuade her to chat to him - but I feel that she's old enough to decide not to do so, under the circumstances.

I've also decided that it's time to formalise her living arrangements, and that she would do better with me for most of the time. She's an anxious child at the best of times, and his mood swings are making her worse (let's face it, they are probably the reason she's anxious). I have made an appointment with a solicitor to discuss things.

This will completely destroy any positive co-parenting relationship we have, so it's quite a high price to pay. But it's time, isn't it? As she gets older he's becoming less and less able to parent her appropriately. I suppose I'm just after a bit of reassurance that it's a price worth paying.

TIA.

Looks like he can't help it, but your ex is abusive. Seems to me you've already leaned over backwards to accommodate his mental health, and possibly at the expense of your daughter's mental health. Definitely go the solicitor, and keep your daughter away from him until he is medicated/therapy .

At age 12 your daughter has a big say in what she wants to do. So if she would prefer more time with you then it's worth it. Many teens like a home base that they can bring friends to and he sounds unsuitable for that.

Thank you both. It’s helpful to know I’m not being unreasonable.

Are you in England? And do you have a Child Arrangement order from the court, or an informal agreement between the two of you?

And, more importantly - what does DD think?
She may not want to talk to him arm, but does SHE want to stay with you most of the time?

Does she have a counsellor for her anxiety? Or do you have a family counsellor?

In my experience - kids don’t like to be involved in conflict between parents. And for a 12 yo - it will be quite hard to be the one to speak up agains the other parent - which will essentially be required in your case, if it went to court.
So - plan and thread carefully not to make more damage to her. Involving counsellors may help - so she does not feel guilty for rejecting/abandoning her father.

In a way - if you dont have a court order - and DD is sure she wants to spend more time in your house - you can just tell him this is the new normal for now. Then it’ll be on him to go to court to argue for smth else.

But - this will of course cause conflict and DD will be in the middle of it, as he’ll guilt trip her.

Good luck with a solicitor!!

Informal arrangement only at this point.

DD would never normally say it but I’m pretty certain she’d rather be with me more often.

She does have a counsellor, yes. But this is it - I think the time has come for me to advocate for her because, as you say, she doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle.

Imo yes take away the responsibility she likely feels for his well being... If he kicks off you tell him a judge would need to consider if he was mentally well enough to have a dc in his care...
Any awful messages to dd you block him even just temporarily.
She can refuse to see him at 12.

Ds went nc with his df for a good few years.

I think you are thinking about your child’s best interests. You have been able to maintain an amicable co parenting arrangement for all these years and that’s not easy.

do you have mediators in the UK? Could you use one to help convey the message? You know he may not be aware of the fallout of his actions and maybe having mediation could help you create a more formal living arrangement without the defensiveness that going to court musters up.

good luck op. It sounds like you have been through some tough times.

A mediator is not a bad idea. Although when he’s bad he wouldn’t be capable of engaging. Hes not always this bad though.