A financial one

[Violetdreams]

Hello MN, please be gentle with this first-time poster looking for some sense.

Partner and I have been together for 2 years. He split with his ex-wife 2 years before we met and the divorce was finally issued at the start of 2024 (was waiting to sort money out).

We are keen to bring our relationship to the next level, i.e. buy a property together and start our own family. Issue is that the financial split between partner and XW is still pending - she's refused to communicate with him, failed to attend mediation and things have now ended up in court. Honestly, it's been a journey and stressful at that...

While I know people on the Internet can't tell me anything for certain, I just want to calibrate the expectations or get some advice on how to move things along based on others' experiences. As to not drip feed, I've listed their circumstances below while trying to not make it too outing:

Him:

• in a professional job earning ~£100k (recent promotion following the granting of decree absolute, was on a significantly lower base prior)
• pensions ~£150k
• rents privately AND still pays the FULL mortgage on jointly owned FMH that XW has exclusive use of and refuses to contribute to (FMH equity currently of ~£200k, 2-beds in the area would be ~£160-180k)
• pays CMS accordingly for his 2 girls (1 secondary and 1 last year of primary) who he has shared care for with overnights 5/14 days
• covers their school uniforms, extra-curriculars and all before/after school clubs in full
• savings ~£15k earmarked for the kids

Her:

• not employed claiming child care needs and poor mental health prevents her from work
• income is UC, child benefit and CMS payments
• SAHM, never really worked despite having degree / post-degree qualifications
• no significant pension afaik
• savings of ~£10k
• lives in FMH, doesn't pay mortgage but covers bills

He's offered her 65% of the whole pot, however she wants to split it. He's received legal advice that this is a generous offer. However, she's not engaging on any negotiation / counteroffer. She's only mentioned, verbally once, that she instead wants to keep the whole house / get a mersher and spousal maintainance. Me and partner find this absolutely ridiculous of a request 🙄

So AWBU? How would a judge look at it? Would the FDR crystallise the mind or are we headed all the way to the final hearing? 🤔

Appreciate the read and any advice ladies!

I would be suggesting he take the advice of a good solicitor and staying the hell out of this. It’s not your business and you’d be daft to make any financial plans with him until he is divorced.

Well, he is divorced but very much still tangled financially with the ex, which is probably what you meant and, while unwillingly, I agree isn't good, which is why we've been waiting. He also has legal advice and is handling his own stuff and I'm not involved in the process.

That said, I do also believe people should be able to move on with their lives after literally years have passed and I'm trying to understand what I should expect to come out of this. It is a great relationship and definitely a first for me in that respect but I'm also hitting 37 this year and don't have all the time in the world to wait for this to drag on or for us to have to rebuild from ground zero if she gets her way...

So just trying to understand people's perspectives who have gone through similar. Hopeful bump...

Sorry, I missed the fact he is divorced. I agree you can’t live in limbo waiting for years to get this sorted out, though I don’t think it will help you to second guess the final settlement as you’ll only then have to recalibrate. I would assume that going forward he’ll bring his annual salary minus CMS and other expenses for his DC. Then you won’t be disappointed and would potentially be able to repay some of the mortgage you two might share should he be awarded some equity and it is eventually sold so the value is realised. Could you buy somewhere with your joint incomes and whatever assets you bring?

Surely financial settlement is an integral part of divorce. Unusual for it still to be outstanding. Are yiu sure he is divorced?

In any event I think he would be foolish and you would be foolish to join finically till this is sorted out

It’s not unusual to get divorced ahead of severing finances. It’s pretty common - daft and in my view shouldn’t be allowed but it is!

op - he needs to push to get this to court. She’s not going to play ball. He’s been more than reasonable. It’s unlikely she’ll get her wish list

what I could see

enoigh equity to house herself and kids outright as no ability to mortgage ( so 160-180k) to her

pension share- but not 50-65% based on taking pretty much all equity . Perhaps 30% or so

possibly spousal for 1-2 years ( or all equity to capitalise this)

it’s highly unlikely she’d get a mesher as there is enough capital to house her and release him
from this

he needs to push for court hearing- she has no motivation to do so and currently it’s in interest to delay.

he needs to threaten to move back in to save on rental fees…::: and perhaps stop more generous payments

@dotdotdotdash Thanks. We need a 3-4 bed house in order to house ourselves, his kids, a potential new addition and office space for me (I work exclusively from home). Ideally, he gets some proceeds from the FMH equity so we can get a reasonable LTV mortgage when combined with my savings.

@millymollymoomooSurely she should find work though given kids age/in school? And hence have her mortgage raising ability and so forth be assessed again her maximising her earnings 🤔 He's also, imo, effectively front loaded or capitalised any SM claim by paying the whole mortgage on a property she exclusively occupies and not charging her occupational rent! But not sure whether judge will consider this

A judge won’t consider that at all no

obviously what I stated is my view. It’s not a given. But based on her limited work history, non working now, I think it’s likely she’ll be given enough capital to house herself and kids mortgage free. She will get a share of pension ( although if all equity then this might be less than 50%). It’s likely she’ll get limited spousal for a period to allow her to get back to work - if she chooses not to then uc it is.

your partner earns well and your future needs ( ie house to accommodate your own future children) will bear no outcome in the asset split. If she only got say 50% of equity she can’t house herself and children and won’t be able to get a mortgage to do so….. in which case your ex could be tied to helping pay that,

of course it could go in either direction but I think something similar to what I outlined is likely

if you need a mortgage then the banks will consider his commitments to his existing mortgage already which will reduce his borrowing capacity.

Surely it's best all round just to wait.

Imo it's not for you to comment on whether she should work or not because it doesn't suit you. this is what happens when you get involved with a man who financially separated from his ex and has kids. (that's not a judgment btw just facts)

How has he got a decree absolute without a financial consent order - this isn’t possible where there are assets to split. Sounds like he’s telling lies

It is possible, inadvisable though. OP has no say in this though, so for her own peace of mind I'd advise her to keep out of it in every way amd talk about their future when it's sorted, and they both kniw what other they're on.

A judge will however need to know all about what your earn and your finances. You’re going to be living together so this is taken into account. And no point lying and saying you’re not going to be co-habiting as she can then take you back to court if you do so within a period of time.

And whilst it’s technically possible to divorce without a financial order no solicitor on earth would recommend this (look it up) and many judges would not allow it with assets. Not least because now he’s potentially liable for extra tax like Capital Gains Tax and Stamp Duty which married people don’t have. It makes no sense at all.

And yes if you buy before the finances are severed this will impact stamp duty, capital gains and he’ll be deemed housed etc requiring less claim to marital pot

I was in a very similar situation to you 10 years ago.

My then partner was divorced but his EW refused to engage about the finances, refused to work (kids were 9 & 6 at the time), he was paying the mortgage in full for a 3 bed gated development house she lived in + paying CM & all her living costs. While he was living in a tiny 1 bed rented flat.

My advice - he needs to get this to court and she needs to start contributing.

A judge will expect her to start supporting herself and the courts don’t care if you rent or own your own home.

From memory his EW wanted:

To stay in the marital home for another 12 years until the youngest was 18 & he pay the mortgage in full.

When the house was sold she get 70% of the equity.

Spousal maintenance of £12k per year. He is as earning about £80k at the time.

CM of £12k per year (the CM calculation at the time was circa £650 pm).

She wanted 50% of all his pensions. She didn’t have any as she’d cashed all hers in. He’d been contributing for 30 years & they had been married for 9.

A £3k one off payment.

She also wanted a new car.

He worked out at the time - that if she got all this + all the benefits she was claiming, she would have more disposable income per month than he had (working in a FT stressful job).

It went to the 3rd & final hearing at court - as she refused to discuss it negotiate.

She got:

To stay in the marital home for just 4 years & she had to pay the mortgage in full & all maintenance costs as she was living there.

When the house was sold she got 62.5% of the equity.

Spousal maintenance was laughed out of court at the 1st hearing & she was told to get a job.

He agreed to the CM of £12k per year - with the agreement that she wouldn’t come after him for more. She didn’t after a week of the Cory hearing so after 12 months we went through the CMS.

She was awarded wanted 50% of his largest pension only.

The £3k one off payment + new car was laughed out of court.

The judge actually awarded her less than he had through the process.

My advice would be - he needs to invest in a solicitor & get this to court. She may ‘want’ not to work or have a mortgage free house, but the system is based on needs and the gravy train is over.

Don’t move in with him until the consent order is signed as you don’t want your home / finances taken into account.

Good luck 🤞

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but your partner needs to prioritise sorting out the circumstances of his existing kids before rushing into starting a new family. Why do men always do that?!

I would be taking this as a huge warning sign to be honest, sounds like he has very little backbone and is going along with it to keep you sweet? The ex needs to work and support herself (although maybe not if she has very poor MH) but does your partner really want his girls in a small 2 bed place with their mum more than half the time? Presumably he was happy for her to be a SAHM but now he’s met someone else wants to leave her and his kids with not much more than the minimum so he can start afresh?