How much would you help ex??

[amiadoormat]

Name change here! How much would you help your ex husband out? He’s lost his job…been out of work 3 months. So that means no CMS. We have 3 children 2 of whom (twins) are in full time childcare so you can imagine the costs.

I just know what he’s like when it comes to being proactive about finding work. This isn’t my first rodeo of him being out of work but obviously before we were married and I did a lot of applications for him.

part of me thinks he’s a big boy he needs to sort himself out and the other part….thinks I’m up shit creek financially and if I help him find work I’m actually helping myself and the children more?

Under the terms of the divorce agreement I have to pay him his share of the house equity by November this year …and if he’s not in work that’s a double whammy financially. And honestly….i don’t feel inclined to pay him!

Unfortunately it's in your best interests that he remains a functioning adult/parent. If this means helping with an application form than that's what you need to do. Not sure about the house. More of a legal question. Can't see his solicitor postponing or writing that off ..

You have to pay him if that’s the agreement.
But what do you mean by helping him find work? Putting the word out he’s looking, forwarding him a couple leads seems fair enough. Filling in an application? He’s an adult surely he can do that on his own.

Is he actually a decent earner? He sounds quite thick and useless so will be actually get another job? Plus how far does this go?! Getting his suit cleaned, polishing his shoes?!

Might be worth seeing if you can renegotiate so you don’t give him the promised equity but he doesn’t give maintenance, or you adjust the amount. If he has form it might be easier.

@WhatFreshHellisThese not thick but definitely useless when it comes to being an adult. He’s in his 40s - had an epic midlife crisis when the twins were babies and packed his bags after 20 years together practically overnight. Barely sees the children. Has no overnights.
He's never been a particularly high earner - I always earnt a lot more

@mondaytosunday
forwarding jobs from online job agencies that sort of thing - but that would require me actively spending my time searching for them..
I don’t want to starting sending his CV on his behalf or filling in applications - I recall even minimum wage retail jobs back in the day required extensive applications and those ridiculous questions about where you see yourself etc

he doesn’t have a solicitor - didn’t have one when we did the financial consent order either (I did).

im guessing I’d have to appoint a solicitor to renegotiate the terms?

But I did actually get a very good deal at the time and I don’t want to risk that (I walked away with 100% of my pensions which were worth 10 times his and the higher share of the house equity)

can’t see him paying for a solicitor and taking me to court though and going through the process of forcing a sale would take months (I don’t want it to get to that point but realistically I’m down a big chunk of maintenance - which is pretty much half a mortgage worth and the mortgage would go up circa £350 a month to borrow more to buy him out)

If you have a final sealed order you cant renegotiate terms. And if you don’t have one then you risk him getting more if he’s out if work so be careful

@millymollymoomoo
yes that’s what I though too. It’s not worth the risk formally renegotiating.
He’s got 8 months to be back in work which you’d think is more than enough time ….and then I’ll have to rely on his goodwill not to take me to court for the payment.

If you have a signed and sealed consent order there is no renegotiation. You need to comply with the terms of it however galling that might be if he’s not working at that time.

personally I’d leave him to it but I can understand why you feel you need to help him.

Is your financial settlement actually in place? If not and he's out of work or earning significantly less, do you run the risk of having to make support payments? I would help in that scenario as its in your interests to do so. Otherwise, I would let him sink or swim, at some point he needs to adult things for himself, but he'll probably find another female to do it for him, they usually do.