Stuck/trauma bonded?

[Tryingtomoveon13]

My Ex and I split up nearly 18 months ago.
Ive struggled ever since with the end of the relationship, we were together for 15 years.

I deeply loved him but it ended ultimately because he was abusive.

Emotionally, mentally, aspects of physical too.

Ive struggled so much because he ultimately blamed me for everything, I used to moan a lot which would turn into an argument and then he would explode.
Don’t want to drop feed all of the things that happened but it was constant criticism, making me feel worthless, telling me how rubbish a person I am.

Anyway he absolutely hates me, despises me now, if we have to talk about our child he will be rude, hang the phone up on me, just genuinely be disrespectful.

Im struggling to move on, it’s been 18 months so you’d think I’d be able to by now, I feel so lonely and I think that’s what I’m missing more then him.

I’ve not had any therapy but have read a lot about trauma bonding so I think that’s where I’m at.

I just want to move on and stop pining for him I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I wouldn’t even want him back after what he put me through but everyday I cry because I miss him, thought by now I’d be over it!

Abusive relationships are complicated OP. You've just come out of a 15 year relationship, that's a long time to spend with someone and you're going to miss the company.

Abusive relationships are a rollercoaster and there's a lot of drama. You get addicted to the highs and lows. It's also really common for everything to revolve around the abuser: what mood is he in? How will he react to this? And life can feel empty without it.

OP he always hated you and was disrespectful, he's just not hiding it anymore. This is the real him.

Download a co parenting app to communicate with him. Block him on everything and don't take any crap from him. If he's disrespectful, stop the communication.

I really advise you to do two things, get some therapy and work on your self esteem. If therapy is unaffordable then try your local domestic abuse organisation, there may be cheap or free therapy available.

@Maitri108 wise words!!! I agree with e everything said. Go to your GP and they can give you the number of your local NHS therapy service. You can get 12 free sessions. It is important in order to start healing.

If it helps I am 15 months since breaking up, and 13 months since not living with him. I've done therapy, I know i don't love him anymore. But until recently my brain would go straight to thinking what he needs, wants, what his reaction will be and I need to do what he wants. Now, I'm able to see what me and the kids need, I worry about his reactjons and how that will impact the kids and I move it. Way better than a few months ago.

You're spent years revolving your life around him. Now it is time for you and your child..

Parenting app- definitely. Helps massively with putting some much needed boundaries in place.

Thanks for your advice!
Its so difficult because I still feel stuck in some sort of limbo.
Hoping he’ll come back to the next day hating him for how he treated me.
I have tried to be civil with him and try to keep a connection for child’s sake, but everything I do is wrong.
My child is autistic and it’s been so difficult because she wouldn’t go out with him alone, so to see her he would come to the house.
But whilst there he would end up starting on me about something, the house being a mess, wanting me to leave when he comes ect.
She now refuses to let him come round, I suggested a meet up outside the house for them and he got mad and said he’s not doing that because I’m there and we’re split up.
He has told me so many times he can’t be with me because of this, because of that, never acknowledged any of the things he has done.
Around 4 months ago he was being rude about something and said do you actually still think in your head we will ever get back together.
I suppose I have done in a way, but not actually wanting him if that makes sense I’m struggling to let it go.
He knows I’m still at home and not doing anything with my life, and I feel stuck.
He has left me alone recently and stopped coming round but the realisation has hit me that he’s gone, moved on.
Why am I still so stuck I want to move on but can’t.

For you, it is best to have limited contact.
But I also understand putting your child's needs first.
Document everything, therapy, limit contact for your own contact.
I personally wouldn't have him in your home, that is yours and your daughter's safe place. Public place only.
If you have any professionals that support your daughter then discuss this with them, discuss what steps they would advise and share what you have done with the relationship between your child and their dad. The reason I say this is, you want this on record that you have put things in place, and that you sought advice from professionals.
He may choose to take you to court, and in that case this would be beneficial for you.
Your relationship is over and YOU need to put boundaries in place, which is so hard given years of being together. The rules have changed, put things in place that benefit your family- which is you and your child.