What do we call abusive ex's?

[Theonewhoshallnotbenamed]

I am having real trouble addressing my ex in general correspondence to our childrens school / friends etc. He has been abusive, has been slandering me to professionals and friends and has in short been toxic to me and the children making this divorce nothing sort of unbearable. I cannot bear to look at him currently and I cannot bear to even utter his name - I'm just saying 'he' or 'him'.

I realise this is a trauma response but I need to find a way to address him. I cannot say 'my ex' because that sounds too familiar and friendly, I cannot say his name, and I cannot address him as 'Mr soandso' either as it sounds too formal when writing to the school etc. I have started using 'the other parent' but this also hits slightly off.

Im wondering if anyone else has the same issue when dealing with an abusive ex and what they've done about it? Thank you.

Directly to ex, I start emails with Hi,

To anyone else he is 'DS' dad' He is no relation to me any more.

The kids father?

He’s the kids dad. Sometimes I’ll say my ex if I’m referring to anything from before they came along but that’s rare and usually only if I’m recalling a happy memory.

I have his details saved in my phone as a blank space with the clown emoji as the contact photo. They used to be saved under Asshat till a Microsoft update meant these details were attached to an email I sent him He was not best pleased and demanded I never address him that way again.

He once sent me an email addressed Dear Cunty McCuntface so I’m not sure why he thought asshat was so bad.

If he sees the clown he’s never commented on it

I always called mine "shit head" but that's definitely not what you were asking 😂

Just use the dc's father when you have to refer to him.

I just say 'insert child's name' 's dad - I have no relationship with him

Haha ! Cuntymccuntface is what I call my ex or Mr CMF for short . I’m sure you didn’t deserve that title but he most definitely does , even my unsweary mother uses it ! Generally in formal circumstances I use ‘ child’s father ‘ though he barely deserves that title to be honest.

Thank you - I cant even bring myself to say dad - I must be in a dark place - hes just been so evil I dont even want to honour him/acknowledge that title ):

Tbh when I have to converse with him (by email only, occasionally by text if really, really urgent) I don’t address him at all.
Not even hi. He deserves no acknowledgement and it’s ok if you don’t want to do that either.

Correspondence is the barest of bare bones information.
In more formal settings (court, school etc) he will be referred to as Mr Whateverthefuck so stick with that.

I always had issue with giving him a title with a possessive (my ex, my kids dad) because I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him and only wished I could remove possession of him from my dc too.

I’m sorry it’s so tough. It does get easier

@onitlikeacarbonnet During separation and horrendous divorce referred to my abusive ex as CuntyMcCuntFace or CMCF for short. Now that time has passed, if I have to mention him, he's known as Dick Ed. Although someone asked me why we split the other day and "because he was a cunt" just popped out. My bestie says I lack a filter!

@Theonewhoshallnotbenamed just use child's name father for official things, more formally, use his given name and if dealing directly, just go straight into the correspondence. My friends don't bat an eyelid when I call ex Dick Ed, they know what happened and can see how much happier I am without him.

I would stick with child's name then parent if discussing with school/3rd parties.
To me parent is a basic title of biology

Yes . Unfortunately coming to terms with the fact that he is your children’s father is one of the biggest obstacles.I found using the word father was a bit more formal so took the comfort of dad out of the situation . I have never bad mouthed mr cmcf to them but with age comes wisdom and they now know . It will get easier and it will become a new normal . Keep on keeping on and don’t be afraid to speak out on here or in real life when you are struggling. You got this , just doesn’t feel like it today

That’s why father is best I view it different to dad. I don’t ever call him kids dad as he doesn’t see them. He is their father but not a dad.

Thank you - this is helpful - I might stick to Mr Whateverthefuck - it initially sounded too formal, but dad, father etc I just cant do - feels disrespectful to my kids!?

Thank you - this makes sense.

I just call mine DC father. Always father, never Dad. To me, it seems more formal, less personal.

We say the children’s mother. Or to them we say your mother. Privately we have a very sweary name.