Manipulative other parent

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

Does anyone have any advice on what i can do? I think the other parent is trying to manipulate but it is difficult to have proof.
Giving treats to our child on his time, constantly. Always feeding sausages/chips/juices/sweets etc. These are not part of our child's daily diet. Buying expensive toys etc.
In addition, other parent is volunteering with e.v.e.r.y opportunity at our child's school: volunteering to be governor, helping with every PTA events, making the tea/coffee at different events (even ones not in our child's year). Now I know it could be seen that he is wanting to get involved in our child's school and yes, that could be an element.
But I know him so much better and his tactics. His tactics will be to establish his own friendship group (or even new gf) to try and turn our child against me but I just can't prove this. How do I go about it? What can I do? He's not stupid, everything in writing is spot on. He denies giving our child sweets etc (although when our child comes back they can be all over the place and tell me they've had sweets). I use the app to confront but he just denies.
Ever since he left he has demanded 50/50 with no negotiation, been to court, contested and ended up with spends time eow and one night for tea + half holidays. So he is not happy and is clearly still trying for the future. Do I play him at his own game and volunteer everything? How can I stop this? I'm most concerned of the impact on our child, health, manipulation, emotional etc. Thank you.

You can’t control what your child eats or does when they are with the other parent. As for volunteering, won’t he get bored of it soon?

Sounds like he's trying to make a real go of being a great parent, and you're trying to control and dictate.

Lucky escape for him!

You don’t get to decide what is your child’s daily diet - he also has input. You don’t really get to demand what he can and can’t feed your child on his time. If he wants to give sweets, he can.

As for the rest…

If he has never compromised and has taken you to court, he sounds a personality type that is unrelenting and is always on a mission and it’s understandable you are on high alert. Volunteering sounds like a positive thing to do, but if you know he’s highly manipulative, you may be right that he’s really intent on dominating the school setting to find allies and perform being the perfect dad to build a case for the future, while making it a less comfortable environment for you.

Unfortunately there’s not much you can do. Engaging in a battle of weaponised volunteering isn’t going to help you or your child. Volunteer if it’s something you want to do outside of any thought of what he’s doing and otherwise crack on with rebuilding your life. Better to lean on a couple of close friends who hopefully can see through him and discreetly roll their eyes with you, disengage as much as you can and focus on being there for your child and healing.

You can’t control what he feeds your child in their time together even if you think it’s designed to buy your child’s affection. I don’t think it’s helpful to engage with messages over the parenting app about this. What you can do is try to be the rock for your child, give your child security and be there to support them and listen to them when necessary. From what you describe it’s unlikely your ex can offer these less superficial things and they are ultimately the important things a parent can give a child.

Let him be the parent he wants to be. Unless there is safeguarding issue you can’t demand information about his parenting from him. You can ask but whatever answer he gives is all you will get.

You shouldn’t ask the child to tell you. That’s not good and puts stress on the child and will lead to more secrecy and conflict. Which is bad for the child.

Live your life as you want and be the parent you want to be. There is no need for gamesmanship. It won’t be a difference to anything.

Keep your own side of the street clean instead of focusing on his. What he does on his time is his business. And vice versa.

You sound like the manipulative one here, being bothered about what he does with his child in his time.

I know there are things my ex will do with my kids I won't approve of but it's her time and she is responsible so I don't even think about it.

@ImpunityJane you are so right. Unrelenting is the right word. I think on this occasion the court saw through him (glares were given to him in court). Your response is spot on. About me being the rock and security for my child, that is exactly what I am doing and being available and just hoping that is enough.

With the food and what he does on his own time is hard because little one comes back to me with a tummy ache and diarrhoea etc etc and there's just nothing I can do.

I agree with @ImpunityJane

Sadly I think you have to take a grey rock approach to this (and I know from experience how hard this is and I often fail).

Did he ever volunteer before he left? Did he care much about the food DC had before he left?

It's easy for others to judge you if they have not been in a controlling relationship before (it's a bit like saying Kevin Kline's character in Sleeping with the Enemy was only trying to help Julia Roberts's character keep her kitchen tidy). I am in no way surmising that you were in a controlling relationship BTW, but it would be what a controlling person would do - he's letting you know that despite him leaving you, he's still going to be in your environment and will build alliances within your environment to try to undermine you.

My Ex (who left for the OW more than a decade ago and only had the kids EOW) recently moved back to the area with her and proudly announced to me that he was planning on going out (along with the OW) to lunch with a friend of mine. Of course it never actually happened, it was just something he said to unsettle me. He's completely taken over DC2's sport (but cancels when it's not convenient for him) and does weird things like puts kisses on emails to the kids' teachers (I'm copied in to the email trail so I see it). It's pathetic willy waving and territory marking designed to make you feel uncomfortable and to get a reaction from you. Don't give him the satisfaction and don't give him that reaction.

But again, I appreciate that doing that is hard.

Edited to say - if you do react, there's a very good chance that you'll be painted as the crazy one, don't fall for it.

My exH also stepped up his parenting after divorce and became more involved. In the long run it was good for the kids. (We are a few years post D-day)

You have to pick your battles, or, next time you are in court he will use your behaviour to show you as controlling and manipulative.

Ex is free to feed your child anything he chooses - Court will not consider sausages or sweats as child neglect. Ex probably does it as it’s easier, and, because the child likes it.

But - stretching this into a ‘plan to make your DC hate you’ is OTT. And it s not how it works. Your child won’t pick parents over food choices.

As to child arrangements - he may in time try for 50/50 again, when DC is a bit older. His involvement in your child’s school life will look positive for his case. This is NOT something you can control though, and you need to make peace with it.

Remember - in the end of the day - it’s not about you. Your child needs you both and you both will be in his life. Any disagreements between you will only be bad for your child.

But as a mother - I do of course understand. It was so painful for me to send my kids to their father’s place, for his days, when we just divorced.

Kids are teens now, and their relationship with Dad is important to them, and i am happy it is a good one.

@WhyDoesHeDoThat you are so so right. And no, he didn't get involved. He actually mocked me as I said I wanted to get involved in the PTA (but obviously I haven't been able to as I have limited free time) just helped out with the odd bit. Yes he is in my environment...he's met up with what were originally MY friends that he knew through me. So goodness knows what he has fed them.
Grey rock is the right way I guess. And I will have to let him slip up as he did that well in the lead up to the last hearing. It's all about him rather than our child at the moment.

@Elektra1 thank you, I will. @jsku yes, maybe he will step up which will be good. At the moment (and the court hearings) it was all about him though rather than our child. Maybe that will change.

My temporary username alludes to a wonderful book by Lundy Bancroft who has worked extensively with controlling men - it's a useful read, please do look it up. It made me realise that it was him, not me.

Grey rock is the way to go but it is very hard when your ex is pushing your buttons. Mine has pushed hard today but with the support of my DP I've not risen to the bait.

My ex mocked me before for many things that he does now (so obvs it's okay now)! It's just control. Learn to not rise to it.

@WhyDoesHeDoThat I will actually, thank you.

Our relationship grew worse as I put our child and I first rather than him and gosh, I felt better for it. And then I got a text one day to say we should separate (after he orchestrated some horrendous arguments) and he had gone.

I’m in a similar position, exH had zero involvement with school, friends, other parents, was disinterested and scathing about school events etc and rarely did anything with our child that wasn’t arranged by me. He’s now dad of the year, involved in school things, schmoozing parents in the playground, arranging play dates and boasting to me about it. I work FT now I’m on my own and can’t do nearly any of the things I used to and as he WFH he is forever volunteering at school etc. When we were together he’d fly off the handle if he had to finish early to do school run but now he wants 50/50 and says he can pick and choose when he works and ‘family comes first’. It’s a huge 180 on how things were and it stings and feels like it’s purely to get to me and play on what he knows are things I’m finding difficult.

He’s also intent on buying our DC’s affection, constant toys, expensive gifts, days out, clothes again all while avoiding proper maintenance and knowing I’m struggling financially.

The only way I’ve been able to get my head through it all is by reasoning that even if he is doing all these things purely to get at me, it’s not a bad thing for our DC to have a father who’s more present than they used to be. He has a terrible relationship with his older kids due to his previous form and hopefully with this new found super dad mentality that will be avoided. I’m the rock for our DC, I’m the one who’s consistently been there to show warmth and love and stability and we have an amazing bond as a result. If he continues on this path then that’s a good thing for them and if he gets bored and reverts to type then I’ll be there to continue providing that stability for our DC. There are times you have to just accept that you can’t control what he’s doing, all you can do is allow things to play out as they will and stick a smile on it and keep your own side of things going as best you can. Everything comes out in the wash eventually and until it does just carry on being the mum you are and making your time with DC as positive as it can be.

@Walesmam23 thank you. Yes, this is basically how I see the situation. He wfh and can do all of the things and pick and choose his hours. Before he was scathing about having to do things. Meanwhile it is likely I will up my hours in time and as a teacher I won't be able to pick and choose etc. You're right that things come out in the wash. If he steps up it will be good for our child but equally his controlling type could manifest again at some point, whether that's when he takes me back to the court or it shows in a new relationship he has. Little one thrives on stability and I do provide the emotional support needed so hopefully that will be enough.