Ex's new partner - help me move past the pain

[Justkeepswiimming]

I need some help to get some perspective and put my big girl pants on. My ex has a new girlfriend. I'm finding it very very hard to accept and get over this womans place in my daughters life. I'm trying my very hardest to be grown up about it, but I'm finding it very very painful. When I'm on my own and he has her I know they are out and about, as a big happy family and it cuts me to the core that there are people out there who mistake my beautiful girl as this womans daughter. I feel sad he is offering her something I cannot. A family. She has two sons around my daughters age.

Please please help me put this into perspective.

You are her mummy and nothing and no one can replace that. You are giving her a family. Families don't all look the same. If he had died and you were on your own with her would you still say that two of you weren't a little family?

Reinforce the idea that you are a family with her. It will provide her with a sense of security and also help you to reframe this situation.

"A family is a group of people who love each other very much but who don't all live in the same house. Granny is in our family but she doesn't live her. Aunty and uncle are in our family but don't live here. So even when we are in different houses we are still a family."

They can offer her lots of lovely experiences sure ... But so can you. You can give her your undivided attention. They have to split their time, money, energy three ways. You two have each other all to yourselves. Make the most of that.

She will take her cues from you. So if you are struggling with this...she will know...and she will struggle too. It's ok to feel sad that life has changed and it's not what you wanted or expected, but shift your focus away from what you don't have and onto what you do have. A beautiful, healthy little girl who loves her mummy more than anything in the whole world. Be present and happy for her.

Thank you @Auldy ! I appreciate the time you took to to respond and you have certainly given my something think about and ways to refrain this.

It is so hard @Justkeepswiimming and it takes time to adjust. It's painful to have to spend time away from your child but if you make sure you do one lovely, little magical thing with her everyday you will feel your bond with her get stronger and stronger and the feeling that anyone could take your place will be laughable.

Research has shown that children can thrive in a separation if their parents can dig deep and work through their own pain. Some bits of advice research has shown works....Don't bad mouth them in front of her - be relentlessly positive. "That sounds amazing. I'm so glad you had fun". Let her know that when she is with her dad you are ok. Tell her what plans you have in an upbeat way. Don't say you'll miss her (she will feel guilty and sad) but instead tell her you can't wait until she's back home with you so you can hear all about what she's been doing (She will feel loved and seen).

I know lots of women who have been in your shoes personally and professionally. Many of them have the strongest most wonderful relationships with their child. Because they centred them. They made every action and reaction child-focussed. It's hard but it's a long term investment. You can absolutely do it. 💪

I also agree with @Auldy.

Remember being a mother is about making sure your child feels safe, secure, loved and listened to. She needs unconditional love and validation. This is what you can give her that matters the most.

It will be the small moments that she remembers the most and how you make her feel.

Your ex won’t be unable to give her his undivided attention if he has a new partner and she has two sons. The new partner will always put her sons first, however nice she may or may not be. And I would suspect that these ‘happy family days’ are more centred around what boys like than a little girls.

Enjoy the time you have away from her when she is with her dad. It means when she is back you can enjoy her even more.

I agree with all the others, you as your child’s mother, are irreplaceable.

The singer Nick Cave recently wrote this about grief, and I agree with him completely.

”But feelings are meant to be felt – that’s what they are for. We heal by acknowledging our emotions and test our heart’s resilience by lingering within the unbearable.”

In my case I had to not-feel to get through being married, so I was definitely going to feel all the feelings, when it ended. And I recommend it- don’t hide from your feelings. Try to acknowledge them, and accept that they will I promise, turn into something so much better.

My advice is to focus on you and you and your daughter. What you're going to do when she is next with him (it can be something super simple and manageable) and what you're going to do when she is next with you.
Make sure she knows you're the safe and secure one.
I know it hurts when you think of them together, but the more you think about it, the worse it gets, hence move the focus from them to you.

He hasn't given her a family, he's making her spend time with kids she barely knows and who she is likely to feel are competing for his attention. Your fears are making you see this through rose-tinted glasses. Kids don't like sharing

Hi! I don’t know if this helps or not, but in your scenario I would be the new girlfriend and I just wanted to say that when my partners daughter is with us I prioritize her feelings above everyone else. I want to make sure she’s as comfortable as possible and we never speak poorly about her mum. I am not trying to replace mum. I would use your time away to do some fun things for yourself like go to the salon or spa. Think of the benefits for your daughter, it’s an extra person looking out for her in this world.