How to stop the jealousy after divorce?

[MagicNL]

Hi,
I’m mid divorce. I instigated it as I caught him cheating. It had been going on for 2yrs. Married 15yrs, 2 children at primary school. I told him to leave. He never came back. He’s since moved on to have a sparkly new life with affair partner. She’s separated but her children are adults so she has no ties as I think they are travelling/living abroad. Meanwhile, I’m home, skint, cooking, cleaning, doing school runs and all the non glamorous things. Children see him every fortnight. They think it’s great because they get lots of treats and fancy days out.

since separation I’ve really tried to get my own life better. I’ve increased my self care, got fit and healthy through exercise, kept in touch with family and friends. I’ve listened to podcasts, tried positive thinking and even tried anti depressants. I feel I’ve tried absolutely everything to try to rebuild. I spoke to a counsellor who said I needed to forgive him to move on. I just can’t!

I’ve found a great podcast called Chump lady but even that doesn’t help. There’s also a brilliant lady called Natalie Dance on YouTube . I want so badly to be happy but I HATE what he did to me and the fact I’m left with the scraps of life. I spend time obsessing over how well he is treating his new partner and how he betrayed me. If I distract myself for a few hours, as soon as I stop, I just think of him. I don’t want him back! I hate the man but I’m so jealous and that’s a horrid feeling to carry round.

so…..if you’ve been in a similar position, I’d love to know how long it took you to feel better and to stop being so jealous and mad.

thank uou xxx

Sorry this happened & good for you for focusing on yourself and your DC. Would continue to do that.

You don’t have to forgive him to feel better. Understandable you’re annoyed, but his costly lifestyle etc just shows the problems / lack with him.

v much doubt the DC think things are great with their dad - he’s harmed them badly too.

You haven’t emotionally separated from
him yet if he inspires these strong feelings.

To move on, you need to honour and appreciate the good parts of your relationship as well as the bad. That’s a really tough thing to do, which is why it can take so long. And why some people never do, hating their ex forever.

Take a look at Conscious Uncoupling. You can do it alone, you don’t need to do it with your partner. It might be too early, but I found it useful, when I was desperate to find a way out of what felt like an emotional cage.

Thank you. It’s very strange because I don’t actually want him back and I know it was bad before I discovered the deceit but I understand hate is a strong feeling.
thank you, I will look at uncoupling. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get this baggage off my shoulders.

I hear you. It’s such a brutal position to be in, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling this way. You’re grieving not just the betrayal, but also the life you thought you had—and the injustice of him moving on so easily while you’re left carrying all the responsibility. It’s infuriating.

I’m in a similar boat—mid-divorce, two kids, left picking up the pieces while my ex plays at being the fun parent when it suits him. He betrayed me in ways I’m still uncovering, and I’d love to say I’ve fully moved on, but the anger still flares up, especially when I think about how unfair it all is. People love to say “forgiveness is for you, not them,” but honestly, I’m not there yet either, and I don’t think you haveto forgive to heal. Maybe it’s about redirecting that energy toward yourself instead.

It sounds like you’re doing so much to try to rebuild, and that in itself is huge. The jealousy and rage won’t last forever—at least, that’s what I’m holding onto. But I do think we have to actively keep choosing ourselves over them. Maybe it’s not about trying to stop thinking about him (because that just makes it worse), but about shifting focus onto something that truly excites you—something just for you, not as a distraction, but as a genuine step forward.

You’re not alone in this. It’s an awful, messy process, but you will get through it xx

Thank you so much. It’s so easy as a friend of someone to think, “You’re better off without him anyway.” It’s true but when you’re the one doing the laundry, coping with tantrums over homework and doing the weekly shop which costs a fortune, the resent is just huge!

I could move on easily and meet a new partner but it’s put me off trusting anyone! 🤣🙈 I stupidly thought this was the fairytale marriage. Obviously not!

I went through the same thing, and what chump lady promises will come true: one day he will not be important anymore. their life together will feel unimportant and distant. “meh” will be a thing. there is one episode on chump lady about forgiveness that is really good which does say you absolutely do not have to forgive. I don’t believe in forgiveness, why would I gaslight myself into forgiving someone who sacrificed with my physical, mental and financial health for their own fun? Don’t forgive, remember the red flags and the warning sings. that will help you in the future. but try to reach indifference. indifference is liberating and will suddenly create so much space for a new life.

the podcast episode 23 with sandra brown is the one I did refer to

Does it ever go away? Split for 2 years and in so many ways am so much happier. With someone else who is amazing and on my level more freedom, just overall happiness.

Not sure if jealous is the word, more anger but also some jealousy that she is doing things with her bloke she wouldn't do with me. I am angry about the impact on the kids. The fact that she has lied to friends and family about us. It was only 6 maths ago I realised that hew calling me a narcissist etc was actually a deflection from her behaviour.

Even though we have 2 teens, I have not had any contact since just after Xmas, I blocked her on all forms and it's been great. Had a rota 50/50 in action anyway, live 1 mile away so kids can walk between houses and any permissions for holidays go through kids. Nothing to discuss and be abused over and so much happier that way.

I’m sorry to read your post, OP. I don’t have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say I hear you. The only consoling words I can offer is that one day your children will appreciate everything you’ve done for them now and they will love you all the more for it. He might seem like the fun dad now but they will see through it all in years to come.

If someone leaves us, it’s much easier knowing their life isn’t that great. And I’m sure his life isn’t as rosy as it looks from the outside but I can understand that’s little consolation to you now. Hope things get better, OP.

You don’t say how long it’s been but I think it’s really normal for it to take years to get over the anger when you’ve been badly mistreated and to be honest, I think forgiveness is over-rated as a healing tool.

Personally I think real healing comes from being able to enforce your own boundaries to limit the presence of toxic people in your life. That’s obviously not possible right now as you have young kids with him and are still presumably financially connected in some ways.

I am still entangled with my ex in several ways (kids, house ownership, dog) and I have to see him just about every day (dropping off dog at his business, where he has started a relationship with one of his employees!) so I fully get where you are at. He is also busily splashing money around like it’s going out of fashion and playing Disney Dad on the weekends he has the kids.

What helps me is remembering that I’m in a long game, trusting that my children are smart enough to see, over time, who is really there for them (which, TBH, they are already clocking as tweens) and focusing on gratitude for the things my ex doesn’t value. And taking small steps all the time to limit his physical and emotional access to me (and vice versa).

I know being the main parent is a slog but honestly, I would hate 50/50. If it came down to it, I would feel like I was losing the richness of my relationship with my kids if he had them more and I got a few extra overseas trips in return. Your life isn’t scraps; you can find ways to make the ordinary parts of life rich and meaningful (cooking with your kids, ordering your home just the way you want it).

I don’t follow or look at my ex on social media and I muted him from my accounts. I make every interaction with him less than five minutes and I don’t tell him anything about my life or ask about his. I don’t ask the kids about him. Once we are financially separated and the dog has passed away, I’ll cut him off to the maximum degree possible (the kids will be able to arrange seeing him themselves by then). At that point, I know the anger will naturally subside as he will basically be irrelevant to me.

You’re mid divorce, it will take time. You are doing all the right things. You know nothing about his new life, it will probably be boring and rubbish soon. One day you’ll find yourself wondering why you ever liked him and he’ll be totally irrelevant. Trust the process..

Reframe your thinking.. Focus on positives- you have beautiful children and life is your oyster. Gratitude list daily definitely helps. When I got divorced, I sold it to myself that as the very least , my exH was a good sperm donor. Thanks for that.

Hi OP,

I can totally relate to this. I am nearly 2 years separated, still mid-divorce. Ex moved on with new childfree partner, I am doing majority of childcare and the day to day. I am still 'in' it, and feel a lot of sadness/anger/resentment but these are the things that are helping me:

1. Therapy.
2. Realising that I have to actively find and practice getting happiness in a way I didn't before - eg I have to organise the events, the nice things to look forward to, look for the good - so easy to get lost in the drudge of life and then fall into rumination
3. Accepting where I am and not beating myself for not being further ahead
4. For a few week when ruminating thoughts got really bad, I wore a hairband around my wrist and whenever thoughts went to ex/the other woman, I snapped it and said 'I am not interested.'
5. Being really aware of my boundaries with friends and people asking about ex - I know they mean well, but I feel so much better when I DON"T talk about him
6. Keeping communication with ex to an absolute minimum. Emailing rather than texting so he doesn't pop up on my phone
7. Reminding myself of the reality behind the shiny new relationship - I actually feel a bit sorry for this new woman of his - she's kept at arm's length, has no children of her own, has never met mine, is basically being used for distraction by someone who definitely hasn't dealt with their issues - would I actually want to be in her position? No.
8. Reminding myself of the brilliant mum I am and the open , close relationship I have with my kids that is just on another level to the Disney Dad stuff he does. Though I deal with the shit, I know I am the safe space for both of them.
9. Reminding myself that I feel so deeply because I am capable of giving love and being close to someone and a great partner - and I know that I deserve more than the crumbs I had at the end of our marriage
10. Knowing how much stronger I am through all this crap and that I will NEVER let myself be treated like that again.

I am still taking it day by day, but things are getting better. Sending hope and strength to all of us and I am going to check out the Conscious Uncoupling book too (not going to let Gwynnie put me off!)