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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do we lie to ourselves

8 replies

TheWayYouLie · 15/03/2025 21:06

I have my children full time, they don’t see their father and haven’t in a couple of years, he’s never cooked the dinner, had the overnight, taken the to school/ doctor/ appointments since we split ive had them full time. I’m exhausted, aged 10 years then I actually am, I feel so much older, no social life, been single since he left because I don’t have the time to date, no money, I’m honestly broke my kids eat me out of house and home and are always hungry, can’t work as child is disabled and currently not in school (working on this) so I have no career. Meanwhile my ex has total freedom, money to himself, can date and have a new family, work whenever he wants. Yet someone told me I am the winner in this situation. I mean really? Why do we lie to ourselves, no point of this is me “winning” she said might not feel like it now but I am? I mean he can have more kids when he wants so it’s not like our kids are the only ones he can have. Feels like I’m the loser and he is the winner. How am I the winner?

OP posts:
Monvelo · 15/03/2025 22:25

Sounds like a lose-lose to me, yes you've got the kids (win) but you have listed lots of issues (lose). He's got freedom and a career (win) but not got the kids (lose). Does he pay for what he should? And ideally more?!

intotheoceans · 15/03/2025 22:28

Obviously he’s a twat but being really frank here I think most parents of four children and one not in school due to disability would be exhausted and broke.

It’s better to be exhausted and broke together of course but I do think you kid yourself about how the issues are related to being alone. A lot of them would exist regardless of your relationship status.

TheSilentSister · 15/03/2025 22:29

I kinda know what they mean.
My ex wasn't a hands on DF and avoided all the grunt work, life admin, everything really - hence divorcing. I was well used to doing everything by myself so my DC barely noticed his absence. My ex met a girl overseas and spent his time backwards and forwards. So has never ever had our DC to stay or overnight etc.
Now comes the part where it benefits you. I'd hate for my DC to spent time with his DF as he wouldn't put him first. He wouldn't get all the creature comforts that he has here. I don't have to worry about that, plenty of DM's do and hate it.
I get to mould my DC, I get to make all the important decisions. That's surely a bonus when you have a useless ex?
Yes it's bloody hard and relentless. I'm glad it's this way then having to share him and expose him to things out of my control or navigate 2nd relationships, new partners etc.
I'm not sure I explained that right but hope it helps.

Original poster
TheWayYouLie · 15/03/2025 23:20

TheSilentSister · 15/03/2025 22:29

I kinda know what they mean.
My ex wasn't a hands on DF and avoided all the grunt work, life admin, everything really - hence divorcing. I was well used to doing everything by myself so my DC barely noticed his absence. My ex met a girl overseas and spent his time backwards and forwards. So has never ever had our DC to stay or overnight etc.
Now comes the part where it benefits you. I'd hate for my DC to spent time with his DF as he wouldn't put him first. He wouldn't get all the creature comforts that he has here. I don't have to worry about that, plenty of DM's do and hate it.
I get to mould my DC, I get to make all the important decisions. That's surely a bonus when you have a useless ex?
Yes it's bloody hard and relentless. I'm glad it's this way then having to share him and expose him to things out of my control or navigate 2nd relationships, new partners etc.
I'm not sure I explained that right but hope it helps.

My ex wasn’t useless when we were together I guess that’s where the difference comes from. He broke up with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWayYouLie · 15/03/2025 23:20

intotheoceans · 15/03/2025 22:28

Obviously he’s a twat but being really frank here I think most parents of four children and one not in school due to disability would be exhausted and broke.

It’s better to be exhausted and broke together of course but I do think you kid yourself about how the issues are related to being alone. A lot of them would exist regardless of your relationship status.

No he doesn’t pay any maintenance at all.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 16/03/2025 07:27

Why is he not paying maintenance??

I get where you’re coming from. You are the ultimate winner but it’s a very long game where youll likely only see the rewards much much later on - ie when they’re adults and the relationship you have with them, where as now it all feels rather shit

BovrilEveryDay · 16/03/2025 11:23

I know it's easier said than done....but trying to not put any energy into who is "winning" is the only way. You spending time thinking about it only serves to make you unhappier and does not affect him or change anything - you have chosen your children, he has not. All your energy needs to go into making the changes in your life to make yourself happier....I know it's unfair...but his life is none of your concern any more. Will he regret it? When he has no relationship with his kids? Maybe. But even if he doesn't - his regret or lack of it is nothing to do with your happiness

(But make him pay some frigging child support)

intotheoceans · 16/03/2025 11:30

I don’t think he works, so he won’t.

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