I’m after advice please. I have been married for over 18 years. I am in my 40’s with a child.I am neurodiverse (myself and husband). I’ve had a very tricky childhood, lots of moving around, raised by an emotionally unavailable single mother who had many issues of her own, lots of boyfriends and house moves etc.
I had some bad relationships as a teen/early
20’s. I ended up marrying quite young and quickly. Unconsciously I craved safety and security. The marriage wasn’t great. Constant very intense arguments, my husband had a lot of anger issues, he was a very selfish man and was totally emotionally unavailable. I sacrificed a lot of myself and put up with a lot selfish treatment from him over the years. At one point I found out he was texting another woman for a month (he claims it was slightly flirty, but not sexual). Never violent. Very controlling financially. There were good times on occasions, we had a child and brought a house, but I wouldn’t ever say I was truly happy or satisfied and I would dip in and out of wanted to be with him and wanting to divorce. I never properly left, not sure why, maybe fear, my child, self critic. He always promised to change. Fast forward to the last few years. He disclosed that he was that way with me because he had experienced awful childhood abuse, that was never disclosed or addressed.
He sought intense therapy, which he still attends and transformed as a person, he became a self aware, more emotionally available man, addressed his own trauma and started to become the person I needed, for the previous years.
But here’s the issue, after all of the bad years, emotional struggle, his very selfish ways, Ive checked out, this happened long ago, i disconnected from him. I don’t feel connected or in love at all.
I feel trapped and suffocated. We had an ok couple of months last year, where we connected a little, but it didn’t last. We have had separate beds/rooms on and off for 8 years (partly to do with our child and
co sleeping, but the last year or so, out of choice). We only do things together when we are with our child. It’s been over a year since we have been intimate and even before that it was every couple of months.
Last year I developed feelings for another guy, someone totally opposite to him, this wasn’t a mutual thing, but it made me wake up and realise how unhappy I had been and what it felt like to feel that passionate about someone again. He now wants me to forgive the past and how he treated me and move on with this new version of him, to move towards a new life with all of the negativity left behind.
I am not so keen, but I am worried it’s my resentment for the past that’s holding me back, a blockage almost and not allowing me to feel anything for him. I care about him as my child’s dad and someone I’ve had many experiences with, but in all honesty I struggle to be around him, he irritates me so much. I try to be pleasant for our child’s sake. I am just so confused. I am seeing a therapist and that is helping, but I need advice. Do I forgive the past and move on with him and hope my feelings/resentment changes and have a life where I have no financial worries, am loved and have security or do I go my own way and start from scratch and see where it takes me.
Thank you for reading.