Husband wants to leave

Rocktheboatbaby · 2025-03-13T15:22:44+00:00

We have been married for 14 years with 2 DC 10 and 8. He had a serious affair 7 years ago. I begged him to stay and he did. Then Covid hit and he was home and things were going ok. He is a workaholic and drinks and parties more than suitable for a man in his 40s. Three years ago he told me he doesn’t love me and isn’t attracted to me. I have been trying my best to turn things around. He just buries his head in the sand of his profession and child raising. I’m the primary caregiver though. I get no affection or attention or fulfilment from him. We function well day to day as a family though. I have been running on hope all these years. But things have to come to a head. He says things won’t change if it hasn’t changed already. He hasn’t tried at all, in my view. Won’t even watch a film with me. He says his personal happiness is foremost to him. He wants to separate but have some lecture about conscious uncoupling. On one hand I’m relieved that the pain of constantly putting myself out there and being rejected will go away. But I’m also devastated that my kids will grow up in a split family and the future I thought I would have is gone.

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Celeryindip · 13/03/2025 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ferrazzuoli · 13/03/2025 15:36

OP I'm sorry to be blunt as I know you are hurting. But he's made it clear how he feels, I think you need to accept that and move on so that you can start to heal.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/03/2025 15:39

You may not realise it yet/right now op, but it is absolutely GREAT that he is leaving. The family was broken, by him, years ago. Living in the same house doesn’t mean it’s not broken. I can only assume incredibly low self esteem on your part for why you’ve been trying to keep this vile man. Ironically that will improve once he’s gone. Good riddance.

Original poster

Rocktheboatbaby · 13/03/2025 15:54

Thank you for the replies everyone.

what rankles is me is that I have been a good mum and a good wife. He is leaving because he wants to be proper love, not just be friends raising kids. I don’t know why he couldn’t love me. I’m highly educated, not horrid looking, generally a good person. I put my own career on the back burner to do the lion’s share of housework and child racing so that he could become the successful man he is today. But in the end, nothing mattered. He even got a hair transplant a few months ago! Clearly looking to find a new woman. Or maybe he will go back to the ow from years ago. Who knows! So sad to think that we used to love each other and this is how it ends.

OP posts:

trailblazer42 · 13/03/2025 15:54

Function over form for families…a ‘proper’ family on paper is worthless if it’s making everyone miserable.

I’m was on the other side with a husband begging me to stay. I can’t believe he would rather me stay and be miserable compared just for him to seemingly be happy, when I know he won’t be!

millymollymoomoo · 13/03/2025 19:08

He told you 7 years ago it was over
You’ve been clinging onto a false hope. I don’t think he’s been dishonest ( other than the original affair )

time to accept it and start putting your life in order again and working out what you now want

phoenixrisingup · 14/03/2025 10:02

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves to feel like they weren’t enough after giving so much of themselves to their family and marriage. It’s completely natural to feel angry, heartbroken, and disillusioned, especially when you’ve spent years trying to hold things together, only for him to now decide to walk away.

But from everything you’ve said, it sounds like this has been over for him for a long time—he’s just finally saying it outright. And that’s not a reflection on you. The fact that he couldn’t love you in the way you deserved is about him, not about your worth, your looks, or the kind of person you are. I’m sure you were a good wife, and you are a good mother. His inability to appreciate that doesn’t change the truth of it.

It also sounds like, in some ways, you’ve been mourning this marriage for years already. You’ve been running on hope, trying to revive something while he’s been emotionally checked out. And honestly, you shouldn’t have had to work so hard for basic love, respect, and connection. The fact that you’re feeling some relief now—relief that the rejection and loneliness might finally stop—tells you something.

I know the thought of a split family is heartbreaking, but what your children need most is not two parents under one roof who are just functioning as housemates. They need a mother who isn’t constantly exhausted from trying to earn love that should have been freely given. And they need to see that a relationship should be more than duty and tolerating neglect.

Of course, the grief is real. It’s gutting to look back on what you once had and realise how far it’s fallen. It’s painful to think of him moving on when you sacrificed so much for this life together. But if he wants to go searching for ‘proper love’ (whatever that means to him), let him. That’s his journey now. You’re not responsible for making him see your worth. And quite frankly, the way he’s behaved proves he doesn’t deserve you.

Right now, focus on you and your children. Be kind to yourself. Lean on the people who love you. And when you’re ready, allow yourself to see that this ending isn’t just loss—it’s also an opening. A chance to reclaim yourself. You deserve more than being someone’s second choice or safety net.

One day, you’ll look back and realise you weren’t left behind—you were set free

HellonHeels · 14/03/2025 10:04

Let him go. But get yourself a fantastic solicitor.

Inthedeep · 14/03/2025 12:59

I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. With time you’ll come out the other side and realise you are so much happier without him. You deserve someone who loves you and all your fabulousness ❤️

Original poster

Rocktheboatbaby · 14/03/2025 17:12

phoenixrisingup · 14/03/2025 10:02

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves to feel like they weren’t enough after giving so much of themselves to their family and marriage. It’s completely natural to feel angry, heartbroken, and disillusioned, especially when you’ve spent years trying to hold things together, only for him to now decide to walk away.

But from everything you’ve said, it sounds like this has been over for him for a long time—he’s just finally saying it outright. And that’s not a reflection on you. The fact that he couldn’t love you in the way you deserved is about him, not about your worth, your looks, or the kind of person you are. I’m sure you were a good wife, and you are a good mother. His inability to appreciate that doesn’t change the truth of it.

It also sounds like, in some ways, you’ve been mourning this marriage for years already. You’ve been running on hope, trying to revive something while he’s been emotionally checked out. And honestly, you shouldn’t have had to work so hard for basic love, respect, and connection. The fact that you’re feeling some relief now—relief that the rejection and loneliness might finally stop—tells you something.

I know the thought of a split family is heartbreaking, but what your children need most is not two parents under one roof who are just functioning as housemates. They need a mother who isn’t constantly exhausted from trying to earn love that should have been freely given. And they need to see that a relationship should be more than duty and tolerating neglect.

Of course, the grief is real. It’s gutting to look back on what you once had and realise how far it’s fallen. It’s painful to think of him moving on when you sacrificed so much for this life together. But if he wants to go searching for ‘proper love’ (whatever that means to him), let him. That’s his journey now. You’re not responsible for making him see your worth. And quite frankly, the way he’s behaved proves he doesn’t deserve you.

Right now, focus on you and your children. Be kind to yourself. Lean on the people who love you. And when you’re ready, allow yourself to see that this ending isn’t just loss—it’s also an opening. A chance to reclaim yourself. You deserve more than being someone’s second choice or safety net.

One day, you’ll look back and realise you weren’t left behind—you were set free

I really really needed this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, internet stranger.

OP posts:

Userlosername · 14/03/2025 17:17

Sorry op but you can’t make someone want to be with you. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you- just you’re not compatible anymore.

my parents were in an unhappy relationship most of my childhood. It was so much better when they split. Try to reframe it as a new beginning

Sizzer40 · 06/08/2025 09:10

This sounds harsh but your kids are already being raised in a split family.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 06/08/2025 09:13

Three years ago he told me he doesn’t love me and isn’t attracted to me.

Sorry op but your flogging a dead horse, he doesn't love you, nor is he attracted to you.

Do yourself a favour and divorce

Workingmum1313 · 06/08/2025 17:14

I feel your pain. Love is the one thing that some people cannot live without. And the things you were doing to make you a good wife and a good mother, dont make someone love you. You should like him want to experience that feeling and have it reflected back. You can still have the life you dream of but make sure its your life not a collection of roles your playing to please someone. Perhaps therepy might help cliche I know but you shouldn't have to beg for love and nor should you have perform to keep it. I kind of feel sorry for you both aside from the cheating, you both tried. You dont know it but love may be a moment away.

Original poster

Rocktheboatbaby · 07/08/2025 12:18

Well, turns out that he has been cheating on me with a colleague 15 years younger. For almost three years now.

OP posts:

Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen · 07/08/2025 12:28

Let him go because you won't have lost much.
This isn't love, this is selling yourself short to an unfaithful man with no integrity and as much as you hope, will never change.
Set yourself free. There are so many people out there, yet to come into your life.
He is a dead weight, and nothing more.
Let someone else have the stress and upset that comes with him, the trail of destruction he will forever leave behind.
Focus on you and your children, show them and yourself what your capable of.
You can't see it now, but further on down the line you will be thanking your lucky stars to be rid of him.
You deserve so much more.
Good luck.

savethatkitty · 07/08/2025 12:34

I'm sorry you are going through this (again) OP.

You should have let him go 7 years ago. Never beg a man to stay. I hope things improve for you from now on.

iamnotalemon · 07/08/2025 12:39

Rocktheboatbaby · 13/03/2025 15:54

Thank you for the replies everyone.

what rankles is me is that I have been a good mum and a good wife. He is leaving because he wants to be proper love, not just be friends raising kids. I don’t know why he couldn’t love me. I’m highly educated, not horrid looking, generally a good person. I put my own career on the back burner to do the lion’s share of housework and child racing so that he could become the successful man he is today. But in the end, nothing mattered. He even got a hair transplant a few months ago! Clearly looking to find a new woman. Or maybe he will go back to the ow from years ago. Who knows! So sad to think that we used to love each other and this is how it ends.

It’s not you, it’s him. Don’t think you could have done anything differently. Sorry you’re going through this x

FlamboyantlyIncognito · 21/08/2025 06:46

What an absolute muppet. I'm a bloke and I usually try to defend men (because of the slight disproportion of women to men on here! )........ But....... You absolutely deserve better than this. You come across as someone that has strived to keep the marriage together, to raise the kids in the right environment (family unit).... But I'm afraid to say that I think it would be best to divorce in your case and get rid of him. Perhaps the relationship will improve with some distance between you (you'll still have to be in contact with him for the children's sake of course...... perhaps not..... But I do feel you deserve someone that loves and respects and fancies you for you. The immediate future looks daunting.... But you are so strong (stronger than you realise). You'll get through it. And take him to the cleaners too. The twat deserves it.

SillySeal · 21/08/2025 07:25

Rocktheboatbaby · 07/08/2025 12:18

Well, turns out that he has been cheating on me with a colleague 15 years younger. For almost three years now.

@Rocktheboatbaby I am so sorry. How are you doing?

3 years, wow what an arsehole!

You must be devastated but you really do deserve better and you will find someone who will treat you like you deserve and much better than this one! Sending you hugs and strength.

Gettingbysomehow · 21/08/2025 07:42

Im so sorry OP. I know how devastating this is. It happened to me too. He sounds absolutely selfish and awful. So self absorbed. Not a care for you or your children.
Is he going to care for them 50% so you can work? Or does he just think he can swan off to party ville.
Seriously let this loser go. I was devastated at the time but now my life is 100% better without him. It was only when he left I realised how completely selfish he was.
You will survive and you will thrive. You will surprise yourself and you will blossom.
My exH did not find the amazing love/sex life he left for, he was greatly disappointed.
Good luck.

Babysteps123 · 21/08/2025 16:24

phoenixrisingup · 14/03/2025 10:02

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves to feel like they weren’t enough after giving so much of themselves to their family and marriage. It’s completely natural to feel angry, heartbroken, and disillusioned, especially when you’ve spent years trying to hold things together, only for him to now decide to walk away.

But from everything you’ve said, it sounds like this has been over for him for a long time—he’s just finally saying it outright. And that’s not a reflection on you. The fact that he couldn’t love you in the way you deserved is about him, not about your worth, your looks, or the kind of person you are. I’m sure you were a good wife, and you are a good mother. His inability to appreciate that doesn’t change the truth of it.

It also sounds like, in some ways, you’ve been mourning this marriage for years already. You’ve been running on hope, trying to revive something while he’s been emotionally checked out. And honestly, you shouldn’t have had to work so hard for basic love, respect, and connection. The fact that you’re feeling some relief now—relief that the rejection and loneliness might finally stop—tells you something.

I know the thought of a split family is heartbreaking, but what your children need most is not two parents under one roof who are just functioning as housemates. They need a mother who isn’t constantly exhausted from trying to earn love that should have been freely given. And they need to see that a relationship should be more than duty and tolerating neglect.

Of course, the grief is real. It’s gutting to look back on what you once had and realise how far it’s fallen. It’s painful to think of him moving on when you sacrificed so much for this life together. But if he wants to go searching for ‘proper love’ (whatever that means to him), let him. That’s his journey now. You’re not responsible for making him see your worth. And quite frankly, the way he’s behaved proves he doesn’t deserve you.

Right now, focus on you and your children. Be kind to yourself. Lean on the people who love you. And when you’re ready, allow yourself to see that this ending isn’t just loss—it’s also an opening. A chance to reclaim yourself. You deserve more than being someone’s second choice or safety net.

One day, you’ll look back and realise you weren’t left behind—you were set free

This is such a kind, wise and compassionate response. I'm not the OP but I wanted to comment anyway to say thank you for your words!