SO UNHAPPY!! I can't bring myself to leave him . Please I need advice

[LaurzAxx1xx]

I've been with my OH for 15 yrs. Been unhappy for 10 of them. I use to try and leave years ago but he would say he can't live without me so I'd stay.

I'm always alone and I have nobody to talk to , I'm going absolutely crazy getting myself ready to tell him it's over but I always back out. But I honestly can't go on anymore living like this , I'm so u happy. Feel like I've completely lost myself. I'm a shell of who I once was. I'm never a priority to him. He is such a good person to everyone else and would help anyone or be there for anyone but when it comes yo me he is not supportive at all. It's like he doesn't even like me. I'm just so depressed I don't know what to do or even how to start a conversation anymore with him . Please help

You don’t need his permission to say ‘I’m unhappy. This isn’t working for me any more.’

You ‘just’ need to have faith in yourself and in your decisions to express that the relationship is over. I say ‘just’ because I know how hard it is. I found speaking to a counsellor (solo) a very helpful way to say out loud how I felt. I didn’t find it easy, but having a private space to open up in, with a qualified person, was an absolute game-changer for me. For the first time, I figured out how to articulate some very simple and heartfelt feelings that had never seen the light of day.

You might find that this power suddenly unblocks the logjam, and your life may change for the better very quickly.

If there are children, and joint assets, it can get a bit complicated, but honestly - start with the simple truth - I’m unhappy and I can’t live like this any more.

Sounds like he is controlling you- his I can’t live without you is just emotional blackmail.
Don’t rush into anything but get as much advice and support as you can and make plans how you can get away from him

You don't need a long conversation. You simply need to tell him you are leaving him and mean it this time. No going back. Don't pay attention to his moaning. If he really cared about you he'd have changed his ways when you tried to leave him before. You can do this. Don't be defeatist by telling yourself you can't and remember that you are not responsible for his emotional health. He is and it's high time he grew up. He's obviously a user and a manbaby by the sound of it. The reason he helps other people is for image management. I have an ex like this. He wants people outside his own home to think he's a good guy, but he treated me shabbily. I dumped him and it was such a relief.

I was in a similar position, unhappy for years but with no confidence to ‘pull the plug’ and just sinking deeper into misery.

Try and remember that you DESERVE a life that is happy and fulfilling, and you are allowed to go after that. You do not have to remain in a place of misery to avoid rocking the boat. You DESERVE love and kindness and warmth and support and time and consideration and if you aren’t getting that then you are totally within your rights to leave.

I tried to plan it for months/years and as time went on I became more and more a shell of myself and he didn’t even notice. I’d spend days walking around the woods and the city just to avoid being at home, just crying and feeling so lost and when I got back he’d not even realise I was upset and had been crying. I had the conversation over and over in my head but in the end it all just came out of the blue. I’d been being given the silent treatment following an argument for standing up for myself and instead of fawning and trying to bring him round by apologising and undoing what had happened I just left it and he didn’t speak to me for five days! Eventually he asked me a question and I responded and he then just said ‘oooh out of your little strop are you?’ And that was it, I ended it there and then. It was like something snapped and I couldn’t take any more.

It may not go down how you think, it may not be easy, it may take every ounce of strength you’ve ever had to muster and there will be moments you doubt yourself or feel you can’t cope but oh my god none of those things are as bad as a life wasted in misery. You owe it to your future self to be happy, and you will be happy, you just need to make this first step towards it x

To sum up, as a wise woman once said to me, ‘save yourself.’

Can you arrange/afford personal counselling? I knew I wanted to leave my husband and tried to tell him it was over but wasn’t strong enough. Took me 8mths of weekly counselling to get to the point of leaving. Another 4mths to finally submit the divorce application. Most of that was wrapped up in knowing how hurt he would be, guilt, fear of failure to a ridiculous extent.

OP narcissists are nice to everyone because they want to be liked and admired and be the hero - they need the supply. But to them people are just pawns, useful or not and while they might put you on a pedestal for a while you're never going to be perfect enough, you become their scapegoat, you're the reason for everything that goes wrong in their life and they start to resent and despise you. They'd never want you to leave though as they couldn't cope with the rejection and so throw out things like 'I couldn't live without you' or threaten to hurt themselves if you want to leave. They lie and manipulate.

I don't know if your OH is a narcissist, covert ones can be more difficult to spot because they don't go round saying how amazing they are all the time. But this person is making you really unhappy and has no problem emotionally manipulating you. Do you have family you could go and stay with for a while?

Ten years you have been unhappy for! That’s got to be enough.

It isn’t your problem if he ‘can’t live without you’. For a start you must think that isn’t true based on how he treats you.

Wise words. This is so helpful when you feel overwhelmed. Watching this post as I'm working up to leaving too. Trying to find the strength...

I understand the situation you are in and how it’s impossible to even raise the subject. You end up being so controlled and downtrodden and scared of them.

I ended up having an outburst at members of his family (unforgivable on my part), but it led to us having a ‘talk’ about my behaviour, and that enabled me to say I was unhappy and wanted us to go to joint marriage counselling. He refused, I said it was marriage counselling or divorce, he said “fuck off and get your divorce”.

My outburst was a direct result of the tension in my marriage, but it was certainly not intended, but did achieve the result I wanted.

My ex didn’t care about me at all, and I had grown used to never saying no to him and walking on eggshells as he so easily turned to anger and rage.

In retrospect I guess I could have got to the same place, by simply saying no to something, he would have got angry, I would have defended/argued back - and then mid way said I’m unhappy, want counselling/divorce. Is that something worth considering? Marriage counselling can be a way of ending a marriage as well as saving one.

But beware, if he has narcissistic traits - once divorce is mentioned the gloves will be off and his anger and vindictiveness will be all you see.

Try and get solo counselling and get your ducks in a row (certainly know where all the money is.

I have come to believe that my ex had considered divorce years ago, but when he realised he would have to share things 50/50 - worked out he could live as he wanted, keep me to do all the admin, housework etc, and have control of all the money to spend on himself. His anger and rage were a deliberate way to keep me from daring to ask for anything.

Divorce for you isn’t an if, but a when. I let it go on for 15years too long.

Thank you all so so much for the replies, I honestly didn't expect so many. I'm really grateful.

I was all set to have "the talk" last night but again I crumbled. I'm hoping I'm strong enough to do it tonight. I really don't want to hurt anyone especially our children. They adore their daddy. But I also know it's not fair them having a misery of a mum any longer. Even though I try my best to act "normal" for them. I want to be genuinely happy .

Can I also add he's never been violent x

I couldn’t do the talk, I ended up writing a letter. It’s the only way I managed to get my point across without crumbling and finding myself trying to justify myself against his arguments back as that is where I would go wrong!

Such a good idea, I may end up doing this. I just struggle with the idea of him finding the letter and then coming to talk to me about it. I suffer really bad with anxiety and I get really worked up and panic over everything, this is what's stopping me . I don't even know how to start the conversation. What do I even say

"I've decided I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I am completely serious. I won't go into my reasons why, because it would only lead to a pointless argument and I do not need to justify why this no longer works for me. I'll give you three weeks to line up housing, perhaps a month if you are having difficulty. We will not be sharing a bed in that time period or acting as a couple. I look forward to co-parenting amicably and peacefully with you in future. I am saddened that it has come to this."

It sounds as if living with him is killing you, you are disappearing and feel a shell of yourself and you can’t go on living with him

Thank you all so much for your replies xx

OP, just be mindful that most of the advice on Mumsnet is to divorce. As everything will be so bright afterwards. 50/50 custody, children being shuffled from house to house on Christmas day (that is you do have a house and not a rental)

I suggest you get counselling for yourself and learn to love and treasure yourself. If you need him to pay attention to your needs you need to make it clear