How do you deal with guilt around your DCs?

[Walesmam23]

I decided to leave my ex 18 months ago after a number of years of problems and our lives just becoming miserable, tense, angry and awful for the children. Overall life is much better and in myself I feel happier, they are more confident, relaxed and settled and day to day life is completely different.

I cannot help though but feel crippling guilt about the life and opportunities they no longer have with me. I am in a much worse situation financially after separation (currently going through divorce) and have to say no to many things I used to be able to do with them. Days out, pocket money, dinners out, haircuts, new toys and the like are a rarity and the notion of a holiday in this country, let alone abroad, is completely out of reach. They are able to have and do all these things with their dad who earns 4 x my salary, and has a new partner who is also a good earner, and I feel constantly beaten down and broken by the lack of fun they have with me.

Don't get me wrong I provide a safe and loving home, I'd love to say warm but the truth is I'm struggling with heating bills, and I know they are happy with me, but the constant pangs of them going on all these adventures and seeing so much of life without me, with no real prospect of that changing, makes me feel like a terrible let down of a mother and that I'm just missing so much that I'll never get back. They're off to music festivals, concerts, two abroad holidays this year with him and the best they'll get from me is a camping trip, which none of them want to do.

How do you cope with this kind of guilt and overwhelm? I don't want to lose them and their childhood to their dad but it feels like nothing I do can match up and I am letting them down over and over again.

I got divorced when my kids were much older.

They hated the ski-ing trips and sailing trips.

My DD went to see her dad recently and he gave her (as he always does) a 300 quid Lego box set because he knows she likes Lego.

They hate him. Because I'm the one that was there for them. When they got admitted to hospital with Covid, when they banged their head and it was bleeding badly, when they wanted advice.

Teens will extract money mercilessly from anyone that has it.

It doesn't mean they don't value you. They know full well if someone is just throwing money at them (and will take advantage of it) but know who is really in their corner.

I understand the guilt. Not sure how old your children are, but mine were 18 months and 5 when we split, so they will likely remember nothing from when we lived together(how bad it was).. but I remind myself regularly that they now have a happier mum who has taught them to not allow someone to treat you badly to out in boundaries is good, to be single and happy is better than what I was. We laugh more in out home now, we go on little adventures like a walk to the local shop turns into a bear hunt, we have movie night, games night, we say our positive and tricky part of the day, we make oat face masks with cucumber and put on music, candle, paint our nails, it's a silly thing but I'm teaching them to do the things they enjoy, to spend time relaxing, how to listen to their bodies, and so many other skills and I can do it with things I already have in the cupboards.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, your ex may get to brag with the big expensive things, but you get to instill in them happiness, skills like how to look after yourself, how to respect yourself, how money isn't everything and they want people around them that are thoughtful and caring to their needs. And so much more. It's often about being a bit creative when money is tight, but you can make some great memories with them that doesn't need lots of money. It's hard, but you did the right thing, you're all happier. And they are happy with you. You're doing it and you're doing it well if your kids are doing better.

Totally agree with the posters above. However, on a practical level, is there anything you could do to increase your income? Can you look for a better paid job, retrain, take extra hours, start a side hustle? Is your ex paying child maintenance adequately, if applicable? You don't say how old your kids are, but as they get older, there's more opportunity for extra earning

Kids know who is there when they need them. They want and need exactly what you're providing. You give what ex is not and your ex is giving what you are not. Just because you're separated doesn't mean that you're still not tag teaming their parenting. You got this. The fact that you're feeling like this proves you're a good parent. Focus on you and your growth and your kids will feel the benefit.

I also concur with Seaseide1234 - it's tough out there but there are opportunities to be found!

Thanks guys, I appreciate the responses. I work 30 hours a week, 9-3 every day, my older two are teenagers but my youngest is only year 1 and anything I earn working the extra two hours I’ll lose on wraparound care and parking etc. The job I have has chance for progression so I’m trying hard to impress and take extra qualifications so I can in ease earning, and once littlest is older I will increase hours. She has SEN and would not cope well with additional childcare currently even if I could afford it and there’s nobody I can ask, no family nearby who could do school runs, it’s just me.

I really appreciate the advice, I’m going to look into work I can do from home in the evening, I used to have my own business but had to give that up when we separated as I couldn’t make it work but maybe that’s something I can do around my other job and kids.

Its just incredibly galling to have given the best years of your life to creating a stable and financially sound home with a monster to then lose it all and be seen as the crap parent you know?

Is it possible they are actually getting more money spent on them now than when you were together ?
In the long run they will appreciate the things money can’t buy more .
Just focus on being there for their emotional needs and let him try to buy their affection

That sounds hard OP , agree with what others have said . You are more than meeting their emotional and practical needs . I think kids do really value who is “there “ for them when they need it . Even if they don’t show it to you .
You are investing in their emotional needs even if you don’t have a lot of spare cash for the treats your ex does .

I think you need to let go of the guilt , you are doing the best for your kids and you . This was down to your exes behaviour as to why you split up . I am sure like lots of us you did your absolute best to keep the family together whilst you could .
Please make sure that you get a fair financial settlement and maintenance for the kids . Do you have a solicitor . I know they are expensive but if you have joint property , pensions they may save you money .
Also if you are over 40 you should check if you have national insurance gaps from 2006 to 2018 . The deadline for filling in the gaps is 4 April . You can buy these for sometimes no cost / little cost and that means you can get the full state pension when you retire . See the Martin Lewis money programme itv X from 4 th March .

I’m well out the other side of this and agree with the posters above - long term Loving Mum beats Disney Dad hands down.