Devastated about separation

Cherrypie2 · 2025-03-08T09:17:39+00:00

My partner of 10 years has declared he no longer loves me, only loves the kids. I feel as though I knew this was coming, he’s been very distant over the last couple of months and I’ve asked him a lot what was wrong, but now that it’s finally happened I’m absolutely devastated. It’s not the first time he’s done this (infact it’s the third) and I took him back believing we could work through our differences. And now I just feel like such a fool for doing that, because if I’d just let him go the last time we’d have all been in a better place by now. He only told me on Tuesday, by Wednesday he’d told our kids, packed up his stuff and gone to his dads to stay. He wants the kids one night on a weekend and one night through the week (they’re 9 and 2). ive took the kids and I’m staying with my mam and sister for a few days to get some support, but honestly I just can’t see a way forward at the moment. Its like I’m mourning the loss of my future, my family, I just can’t imagine what my life is going to be like now. mid lobe some people to talk to who have been through similar, or who can tell me there’s light at the end of the tunnel :(

Tumblingthrough · 08/03/2025 09:19

Honesty:
I suspect there’s someone else.
Also honestly:
You will be absolutely fine xxx

Whoknowswherethewindsblow · 08/03/2025 09:22

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. This sounds like it’s all happening so fast. It’s perfectly understandable that you’re feeling the loss of the future you thought would be there.

It sounds good that you’re with your mum and family, I hope you have support there.

There are some very wise heads on here, who will hopefully be along shortly to give some practical advice.

Original poster

Cherrypie2 · 08/03/2025 09:27

There’s been numerous cases of him messaging other women, so it wouldn’t shock me if there was. Obviously he swears blind there isn’t.
I just can’t wrap my head around it. We were in the middle of buying a house. The last time he left we had booked a wedding. Friends think it’s whenever we get close to making a big commitment he gets cold feet and runs off, then comes crawling back 6 months later when he realises he’s made a mistake.
I honestly shock myself with how much I’ve put up with, but when things were good they were really good so I bypassed all the bad. I just wanted to have a happy family for my kids :(
the other thing I’m struggling with it’s that from past experience I fully believe he’ll come crawling back, but seeing what this is doing to my 9 year old with all the coming and going I know that it can’t go on. But I don’t know whether I’ll be strong enough to not take him back because every other time I crumble :( I need to stop this on and off cycle.
thank you for answering me so quickly. I’m in such a rubbish place x

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DeepRoseFish · 08/03/2025 09:54

OP I’m sorry but you do need to be the one to stop this cycle. Otherwise it will just keep repeating and he will keep inflicting this pain on you and your children.

I know that is much easier said than done as I was in a very similar situation and it’s so very hard to let go of the father of your children.

We had been on and off for years and then he decided he wanted to divorce me. The pain of the divorce was enough to crack through the shell
of denial I was living in and I know now he could not possibly have loved me to put me through it with 2 young kids.

You have to be able to say - enough is enough. You will get through it with the support of others, thousands of woman have and are thriving.

Whoknowswherethewindsblow · 08/03/2025 10:35

It sounds like his behaviour is not having a good impact on you or your 9 year old. I know what you mean about wanting that family unit, and that must be harder when you remember the good times you’ve had together, plus it sounds like you have a long history together, so all of this, even with the comings and goings and his bad behaviour, is familiar to you.

The thing is, you and your children deserve so much more than this. A lot seems to stem from his unreliability and inconsistencies. The stability of the home you provide for your children matters so much more than if you share a roof with their father in my opinion and my experience as the child of a single parent. Take all the support you need, this is unlikely to be an easy path, but try to focus on your happy unit at the end, one which can’t be undermined by someone else upping and leaving depending on the way the wind is blowing. It will all be ok in the end xx

Original poster

Cherrypie2 · 08/03/2025 10:42

DeepRoseFish · 08/03/2025 09:54

OP I’m sorry but you do need to be the one to stop this cycle. Otherwise it will just keep repeating and he will keep inflicting this pain on you and your children.

I know that is much easier said than done as I was in a very similar situation and it’s so very hard to let go of the father of your children.

We had been on and off for years and then he decided he wanted to divorce me. The pain of the divorce was enough to crack through the shell
of denial I was living in and I know now he could not possibly have loved me to put me through it with 2 young kids.

You have to be able to say - enough is enough. You will get through it with the support of others, thousands of woman have and are thriving.

Honestly I know you’re right. It’s just so difficult isn’t it :( one part of me is so glad we never married because at least now I don’t have to go through the stress of a divorce x

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Original poster

Cherrypie2 · 08/03/2025 10:46

Whoknowswherethewindsblow · 08/03/2025 10:35

It sounds like his behaviour is not having a good impact on you or your 9 year old. I know what you mean about wanting that family unit, and that must be harder when you remember the good times you’ve had together, plus it sounds like you have a long history together, so all of this, even with the comings and goings and his bad behaviour, is familiar to you.

The thing is, you and your children deserve so much more than this. A lot seems to stem from his unreliability and inconsistencies. The stability of the home you provide for your children matters so much more than if you share a roof with their father in my opinion and my experience as the child of a single parent. Take all the support you need, this is unlikely to be an easy path, but try to focus on your happy unit at the end, one which can’t be undermined by someone else upping and leaving depending on the way the wind is blowing. It will all be ok in the end xx

Edited

This what honestly why I made this post, for advice such as yours. I do have a fabulous support network of family and friends, but I’m also such an over thinker so I feel like I’m doing there heads in with every little question that crosses my mind. I hate uncertainty, and the future currently seems full of it.
im just trying to repeat the mantra that I can get through it for the kids ❤️ x

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Sassybooklover · 08/03/2025 11:20

Oh OP, you can't carry on like this. At 9 years old your son, is more than aware of what is happening, the youngest not so much. You can't have a man, who dumps you like a ton of bricks when big decisions have to be made. The biggest commitment to you he's made, is having children with you! Getting married and buying a home together is small fry compared to having children. It amazes me when people can't see this! Honestly, this is the time to say 'enough is enough, I am not putting my children through this again and again'. Let him go, and start to build a life without him. He will continue to do this for another 10 years , and the damage to your children will be done (if it already hasn't been). For your children, you need to stop this cycle.

Whereareallthewellhungmen · 08/03/2025 11:33

You need to be strong @Cherrypie2 .

Of course, you can mourn the future you thought you had but in reality, it was a future of living with him, waiting for him to repeat his shoddy behaviour. Again and again and again.

Take control, let him go; show your kids your worth. They are learning from this, even if you think they aren't.

DeepRoseFish · 08/03/2025 12:22

Cherrypie2 · 08/03/2025 10:42

Honestly I know you’re right. It’s just so difficult isn’t it :( one part of me is so glad we never married because at least now I don’t have to go through the stress of a divorce x

Show quote history

It was the stress of the divorce that made me say - no more!!!

I’m grateful for it otherwise I’d still be going round in never ending cycles of complete devastation and teaching my kids it’s normal.

I wanted more for them, more for myself and you OP deserve more too. He will not change - they never do!

DeepRoseFish · 08/03/2025 12:27

And yes he even tried post divorce to come back around!!! They never stop unless you stop them.

Elektra1 · 08/03/2025 12:44

Sorry this is happening. There is likely to be someone else. The same thing happened to me a couple of years ago and I was crushed. A shell of a person. Two years later I am ok. I wish it hadn't happened but I still have a good life and hopefully I will meet someone else one day. You'll be fine too. It just takes time.

Goonie1 · 08/03/2025 21:13

Please don't take any more of the coming and going. It's not fair on you, or the kids.

And I won't lie. You'll probably go through a couple of years of hell but after those couple of years, it's worth it, 100%.

THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
And I can't stress this enough!

Original poster

Cherrypie2 · 09/03/2025 18:03

DeepRoseFish · 08/03/2025 12:27

And yes he even tried post divorce to come back around!!! They never stop unless you stop them.

Of course he did 🤦‍♀️

Honestly. I know I just need to be strong and put a stop to it. Doesn’t stop these feelings though 😭 xx

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Original poster

Cherrypie2 · 09/03/2025 18:04

Goonie1 · 08/03/2025 21:13

Please don't take any more of the coming and going. It's not fair on you, or the kids.

And I won't lie. You'll probably go through a couple of years of hell but after those couple of years, it's worth it, 100%.

THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
And I can't stress this enough!

Thank you for your lovely advice!
honestly I know it needs to be stopped now. we can’t do this any longer.
just wish the light at tunnel would appear now 😂

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Original poster

Cherrypie2 · 09/03/2025 18:05

Thank you everyone ❤️ you are all absolutely right I just needed some tough love telling me it had to stop 🤦‍♀️

it’s been a funny day. He’s had the kids and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. but I’m hopeful it will get easier and easier each time xx

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