How does it work? Who moves out?

[Goldstar88]

Hi everyone - long story but I am getting closer to being certain that my marriage is over and we need to split. We have a 13 month old DC so I know in some ways this’ll be very hard but also easier as they won’t know any different.

No abuse but a lot of weaponised incompetence, undiagnosed ASD which is proving more and more difficult as the years go on, I carry all of the mental load and am absolutely the default parent but equally feel I have to manage DH so easier when he’s not around (travels a lot for work). We basically have no relationship, he’s not interested in me as a person, no support, we barely talk. I don’t want my DC to grow up thinking this is ok.

I intend to get some advice from a lawyer etc before initiating anything but I am struggling to get my head round ‘what happens’.

I do not think it would be appropriate for me to leave with DC, we aren’t in danger and I don’t want to disrupt DC and their routine just because I have decided I don’t love DH anymore. I have family close by but it would be a huge upheaval to move and I feel resentful at the prospect of DH staying in our family home when it’s his selfishness that has provoked this.

However, DH will not want this, has no family near by and hasn’t ‘done’ anything specific so I don’t feel I can ‘kick him out’.

I suppose my question is, has anyone stayed living together sort of amicably while arrangements are worked out or is this a recipe for a nightmare? We will need to sell the house etc as I don’t think either of us could buy out the other (I wish I could)

My ideal would be if me and DC could stay in family home and DH rents nearby but I cannot see that happening.

Experiences?

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through this. You can cohabit while the sale goes through if you want to, this happens really quite often now, mainly because the cost of living is so high that most couples can’t afford to pay the bills on a mortgage AND also pay rent & bills elsewhere.

If you have family nearby it does seem more sensible that you move with them rather than him paying rent elsewhere (finances dependent), but in all honesty you’d be relying on him agreeing to move out even if renting was an option. If the home is jointly owned you can’t force him out.

If you both own the house it's quite common for this to happen.

It can get very difficult as often there are rows/upset.

I moved out and rented.

We cohabited for about 7 months after the separation. We planned how the 50/50 childcare would look within the first couple of weeks, and adopted the plan immediately.

So, when it was one parents turn with the kids the other one mostly made themselves scarce, or at the least stepped back off the scene.

Wasn't too bad, but it was still the biggest relief to get that house sold!

We had enough room for a bedroom each. Don't think it would work if you still expected to share a bedroom.

Thanks for the posts so far - I’d happily move with my parents but there isn’t very much space for all DC toys etc and that sort of thing makes me feel sad, DC would have to leave their lovely bedroom where they are very settled etc. Surely it’s not in best interests to live out of a spare room when there’s a family home with DH in it alone? That’s what I’m struggling with.

We have been in separate bedrooms since DC was born and there is space in the house that we can basically live separately (even have our own bathrooms) which I realise is very privileged - DH is rarely here so I think we could probably live separate lives here unless he makes things unpleasant. So hard to know.

It would probably be a good idea to go to separation therapy; not therapy to help you get back together but therapy to help you communicate and come to an agreement over how the split will work.

It sounds like it would make sense for him to stay there and for you to move in with family nearby and you decide the childcare split. Once the house is sold, you each sort yourselves out.
If you don’t want to do that, then you’ll have to cohabit until the house is sold as it doesn’t sound like he has anywhere else to go and if he won’t want to rent then you can’t make him.

The most important thing is getting it done as amicably as possible. A therapist or mediator can help with that.

But she will be spending time living with him too. So if he stays in the home, she will still stay there some of the time. It’s you who won’t.

If you don’t want that then cohabit. Lots of people do. You just can’t make him leave if he says no.

In an ideal world you'll be able to talk it through and come to an arrangement.

Can one of you afford to rent until you sell?
If not, then you'll have to cohabit or stay with family basically.

I split from my husband. It would have made infinitely more sense for him to move out of the family home and me stay with the 3 kids. They only went to him for alternate weekends (his and their choice not to have more time).

He refused to move out because he refused to accept it was happening (also ASD). We lasted a few months but it became unsafe and a damaging environment for the children. So I rented a small house with them and shared a bedroom with one of my dc, while he stayed in the 5 bed family home on his own. But it was so worth it. A year later, after struggling to sell the house he bought me out and I was able to buy somewhere new.

At least with you having family nearby you have the option to go there in a hurry or temporarily if things get heated at home.
Or you could arrange alternate weekends caring for dc where you go and stay away for alternate weekends and maybe on "your" weekends he can go off and stay somewhere

I think you will probably have to sell and both move out. Unfortunately you can’t have everything when you get divorced. Both parties have to compromise. If you can’t stand the thought of living in the same house whilst this happens then I think you will probably need to move as it’s you who wants it.

Many people continue co-habiting while going through divorce. In fact - its the usual advice not to move out until financials are settled.
It does not need to become hostile - you are two adults, and already lead separate lives.

Personally - i lived through 2 years of acrimonious divorce. But we made sure not to talk about it at home in front of kids.
It can be done.

Renting nearby makes no sense - only drain financials. Equally _ no reason to uproot your child.

Gosh, this is such helpful advice. I'm in the same boat OP, only my son is older (14). I don't want to rent, I'd rather buy somewhere. Ideally I'd stay in the house but I can't see H moving out (he's an incompetent man-child) and he's done nothing majorly wrong - I just don't love him. I'm picking my way through it all.

Solidarity.

This is me too, the only difference is I would say H has been emotionally and verbally abusive. I was trying to hold on for the kids - 11 and 7 (living in separate rooms) but couldn't. So we decided to separate but he still won't stop bringing stuff up in front of the kids - and it's been 3 months. So now I don't really know what to do. He's looked at some rental properties but he wasn't trying that hard and still making it my problem. So I said enough, we'll get divorced and you can have some money to buy. But of course that takes time and he's still being abusive. He expects my parents to lend us the money to buy him out but they don't want to. I have friends who think I should get an occupation order and make him go.