Advice on absent father demanding child to stay over

[Echo88]

The Father to my step-daughter (2 and 1/2) has brought up at his 3 hour monthly visit that he wants the child to stay over at his in the next month or so.

For some context the child has been staying full time with my partner and he was absent for about a year and a half after my partner and him broke up until my partner begged him to start trying to see her as she felt it was important for the child to have a relationship with him. He's been sporadic at best at keeping up with it and most recently didn't see her for 2 months from December till late February. Also needs reminding of nappy changes, spends time on his phone etc.

This most recent visit he said that he felt as if he was ready to start having overnight stays with the child at his place and that my partner needs to relax on this being an issue.

This raises some concerns as he plans picking her up from nursery on a Tuesday (she only goes on Thursday and Friday) and then taking the child to another city 1 hour by Bus and then a 2 hour train with a 20 minute transfer (his plan of getting to his place).

He also has no bed for her to sleep of which she is used to doing and would share with him and his partner (This comes from him saying "we would love to have her" we're not too sure if he does have a partner or not)

Just not really sure if he understands the gravity of her staying over after so little involvement after not being interested for a year.

anyone know how to approach this? any and all advice is appreciated

Why the hell for people actively encourage these wankers to see their kids. If your partner had said nothing he'd have stayed out of your lives.

It's up to your girlfriend to build up to increased contact with the man.

She has begged the man to parent his child, so she must be keen to sort this. Try not to get involved, it doesn't sound like it would be enjoyable.

This was due to her not knowing who her dad was growing up, she hated it so she didn't want her to go through the same thing. Came from a good place just a negative outcome.

At this age, he needs to build a relationship with the DC little and often, and build it up from there. No way would I allow sleep overs until the DC has a bed either. Suggest regular contact for him to see DC, building up once DC is comfortable. Document everything.

He should be told to go to court to petition for visitation.

He is presumably also paying child support?

This is exactly it, we worked out he has only seen her for 40 hours in the last 15 months we both agreed that it's not nearly enough for him to take her away for a night.

If there is a bed in his house, the kid can sleep in his bed and he can sleep on a blowup bed

No, he needs to show complete consistency with her before going on the overnights, he is practically a stranger to his own child right now and to make a sudden change isn't in her best interests.
If he is serious about wanting her to stay he will agree to a specified time term mutually agreed between him and your partner or he can take it to court like @mathanxiety said.

Also with a travel time like that no chance would I be OK with that. They'd basically get home and have to go to bed what would be point?

It is hardly ever advisable just to let / encourage the other parent to take you to court over child arrangements. If he does he may well get awarded overnights (perhaps even a lot of overnights if he asks for that) and then you have an inflexible schedule where you can’t refuse to let the child go to him even if you have concerns. Court is unpredictable, expensive and currently quite pro fathers / absent parents. Of course, if you outright refuse overnight contact, he may just disappear never to be heard from again but equally he might claim parental alienation and ask for 50/50 contact.

I’d set out reasonable criteria that you think need to be met before she stays over. E.g increasing contact over the next few months and him having a bed for her. Put it in writing and sound open to overnight contact in future. Frame everything from the perspective of the child’s best interests.

I think, with some exceptions, it is in a child’s interest to have a relationship with their father, even if their father is flawed and hasn’t put the work in to “deserve” a relationship with their child (and I speak from personal experience here). I don’t think the chance of an ongoing relationship is something to be thrown away lightly.

No, not a chance.

He needs to build his relationship with his daughter, consistently show up every week, and provide her with her own bed to sleep in.

Until then it would be a flat no from me. He can go to court if he wishes, and be told the same thing.

Otherwise, I would regard it as putting the child at risk.