So sick of having the p*** taken out of me - how do you deal with it?

[Walesmam23]

I am so, so tired of being treated like a mug by my ExH. He's lied to me repeatedly, gone against things we've agreed, not kept his word, lied during mediation, hidden income, brought me into drama with his current GF (cheated on her, broke up with her, she ranted at me about him in front of our DC then they got back together) He's kept important safeguarding information regarding our DC and his older children from me and I've had to find out from other people and the latest is that he's gone ahead and booked a foreign holiday with his GF and our DC, which crosses into my time, and not even discussed taking DC abroad or it being my time or anything, just done it, booked it, that's that and I'm expected to just be ok with it. I also specifically asked that our DC and his GFs DC didn't share a bedroom when they sleep over without it being discussed with me first (different genders and I don't feel hugely comfortable with it) and lo and behold it's happened without me being spoken to!

I do everything I can to keep things amicable and calm and respectful and I am just consistently treated like an idiot. At the latter end of our relationship I stopped calling out his bullying behaviour because I didn't want that tension for our children which came with me challenging him and now it's like I'm still doing it, just lying down and being walked on because I don't want upset for the kids all whilst he's the hero with all the fun and all the money and all the holidays and I'm the one struggling with bills and pandering to his moods to keep the peace.

I am so torn between continuing to basically be walked over or standing up for myself. If I do stand up for myself he won't listen, he'll continue to do what he wants, but it will cause arguments because he's not used to it from me, but if I don't then this continues anyway. If I dare suggest anything he doesn't agree with though, god do I know about it!

I've not responded to his message saying he's booked a holiday, nor about the sleepover. We have mediation tomorrow, I'm dreading it. There is no trust, no respect, but all the while he's 'oh I don't want to argue, we need to be open and honest if this is going to work, we need to be friends for DCs sake' all the while treating me like a mug.

I'm raging, but do I just keep quiet and carry on in the hope it will all come out in the wash once DC is older?

Sounds very similar to my exhusband except my kids don't benefit from his money because I stand up to him.

How did you get the strength to do it?

Well my situation is different because he lives abroad and he only sees them a few days a year. He has money and refused to use it on my girls because I'm not a lapdog to him . I can see how difficult it would be if I had no choice but to have to deal with him all the time.

How old are your children and what do they feel about -

Their relationship with their dad?

Sharing a room with a child who is a different sex.

Going on holiday.

Only 6, and very happy about going on holiday I should think, but not said much about sharing a room. They struggle with sleep and don't sleep through the night very often, frequent nightmares and night waking, which is why I wanted to discuss it before it happened.

Most courts will say you've no say in what he does on his time like the sleeping arrangements. Holiday though should've been discussed with you.

This is the thing though I know that I can't stop it, I'm just so tired of being walked over again and again. I try really hard to do what's right and I'm forever just treated however he wants and it's a joke.

Regarding the mediation - contact them today and request the session is held with you in separate rooms with the mediator moving between you. Write out a list of the topics you want to discuss and agree on. That way you reduce the amount of overwhelm you're feeling.

You don't have to 'keep quiet', but you do have to put clear boundaries in place. So for example respecting each others time with the children - you could put a line in the sand which says here are the dates and there are never any changes. Of course that works both ways but it's one way to level out the degree on control you have in your life. By 'keeping quiet' he will trample all over your boundaries.

For the holiday - you can say sorry Sunshine you should have checked with me first. You don't have to give a reason, it's your time and that's that. Hopefully you have the children's passports.

But if she does this there is a risk that in the future he will refuse her a holiday with her child. And ultimately it's the child who suffers.

Better to be positive about this holiday and let it go ahead. But use mediation to create a parenting plan which clearly states each parents dates for holidays and any other boundaries. The parenting plan could have everything you need in order to co-parent.

But also OP I think you need to reframe this - he isn't doing anything TO YOU. You know that you can't control him. If he is malicious then you know that every time you demonstrate that you're annoyed he gets pleasure and will continue to do the things that annoy you. Instead, smile and show nothing but grace. You go high... At best he'll join you up there...at worst he'll get bored trying to wind you up and stop.