Why am I regretting divorce all of a sudden?

[Hopehope75]

So we have been divorced just over a year, it was quite a lengthy process and I guess the dust has just started to settle.

We coparent two young children and I have found it hard to get used to our shared care of them. I understand the need for it but I thought I would get used to it. I hate that I don’t get to spend a full day with them on their birthdays and Christmas. Also hate the feeling of missing out when they go abroad on holidays - I’d love to be there and see them having fun.

I did initiate the divorce due to the constant cheating, his use of paid for sex and financial and mental abuse.

But this week I have been distraught and thinking what I have done, because now I miss half of my children’s life. Also he has now blended them in with his girlfriends kids and family. I feel like it’s a living nightmare and wish I’d have stayed.

How do I cope with this decision I’ve made? I thought it was for the best, but it’s feel like the worse mistake now.

That sounds like a horrific situation and I’m so sorry you’re in it.

However, I suspect deep down you know that the fantasy that things could be fixed by going back is just that, a fantasy.

If you went back and tried to endure the cheating and mental and financial abuse for the sake of full birthdays, and Christmas, you’d become an absolute shell of yourself. And at some point, you’d be back in the same situation but worse, as he’ll dump you for some other woman when you’re all used up.

The new girlfriend will see who he really is one day, just like you did, so there’s unlikely to be a happy ending there.

You have to remember you are in a long game now. Focus on making your own life as good as possible. Save for your own holidays abroad or plan fun things closer to home.

Don’t compare or fantasize, as you don’t know the reality (the fun holidays abroad you are imagining may well also involve boredom, complaining, shouting, lost bags, kids being left in childcare so the adults can drink, etc etc in reality).

Thanks so much for your message. I do know that we couldn’t have a relationship again I just wish I hadn’t been so keen to get the divorce, I didn’t realise how hurt I would feel not getting to truly celebrate special days and holidays with my children.

I thought that the benefits of divorcing such a horrible person would negate that feeling of missing out, but now I feel I should have just put up with the crap so that I could have more time with my children and not see them being blended into another family. It breaks my heart.

I also thought financially I’d be ok, but it is a struggle to be honest.

I know how you feel. I feel it too. I'm sorry, it's so unfair that he's put you in this situation through his behaviour.

It’s healthier for your kids to see that you didn’t stand for his behavior

I definitely understand how you feel. I find using the time they are with dad to batch cook, clean, get things organised and have some me time is how I focus on the kids because then when they are back I can spend as much time as I can with them and I'm refreshed. I suppose trying to look at it from a different viewpoint helped me. But I still miss them terribly, also have the blended family thing too.

As someone has said, we are playing the long game. Your kids have a fantastic role model in you who stands up for herself and realises her worth. That is priceless.

Also, remember, lids like a cardboard box, a picnic at the park. It doesn't always need to be flashy for them to love it.

It’s hard to know what is right. Loads of women find ex takes no responsibility for dc at all. Your ex has at least stepped up. He’s making an effort and hopefully your dc are happy. Take comfort from this.

You do get to see them at birthdays and Christmas. You could move to a slightly different arrangement on major days in the future if he agrees. If children are shared, they are shared. There’s no going back in their dad being their dad. However can you do a bit more to find pleasure outside of your family? Hobbies? Meeting with friends? Anything to find what you like as well as your dc. I understand you feel left out but I don’t see how you stay unless you turned a blind eye. Some of us do and some of us cannot.

I think you just need to accept that the unhappiness he caused you will have faded over time, whereas the unhappiness about missing your children is in the here and now.

Your memories won’t be fresh, so their impact on you is less. But I bet if you had to go back in time you would want to divorce all over again.

It is normal for the brain to do this - otherwise how would we get over awful events if they stayed fresh in our minds forever. When this doesn’t happen - PTSD - it affects people really badly.

Thanks all for your thoughtful and kind messages. I will reply properly to all later.
I think what I am struggling with is why am I upset all of a sudden. I didn’t cry at all when my marriage broke down, or even going through the divorce.
However, this last week I have been breaking down and crying about it, and any positive contact I get from him I feel like I want it to be more. It just worries me that I can miss him like this when he is such a monster.
I think that “Imgoingtobefree” makes a good point and maybe that’s what this issue is now.

But you can love a monster. That does not necessarily disqualify anyone from being loved. Often by dc snd their mums. I don’t know why you are suddenly more upset. Maybe that he’s moved on, apparently successfully? I would feel down too. So I think you must do things for you.

Hi all sorry I haven’t got back to you all individually.
I am still really struggling with this and have been crying and hysterical everyday since making this post.
im trying to work out why and I feel it’s because I’ve lost that family unit that I thought we’d built for the children and I feel so sad that they can just be settled in one house. I also hate the weekly logistics of it all. What a nightmare.
I wish we could have stayed together just out of convenience and not romantically, just to be a partnership for the children.

@Hopehope75 Im sure it feels like a massive loss. Raw emotion of losing something you coveted. And of course you did. People who can walk away and not have it affect them are few and far between. I think women kid themselves about how easy it will be. Sometimes the idiot you are with is better than life without the idiot. I say that as someone who was cheated on 5 times.

Thanks for your reply, it is a massive loss. I did feel I would have been happier just burying my head in sand to have the family life. It’s like they say better the devil you know, but it’s too late and I’ve ruined my life 😧

@Hopehope75 No. you haven’t ruined your life. It’s such a difficult decision about what to do when dh cheats. Mine said it was my fault. I told very few people and the few I did (friends) just said they were sorry but would remain friends with both of us. So no support whatsoever. I felt abandoned by everyone. I never told DM as she was 90 plus. I had had suspicions but it really hits you when it’s true.

I opted to stay but it’s not easy. I think you have to keep communication open with him but start to think about your new family unit and what could make you happy. Time spent with DC? Holidays? Doing special things with relatives? I just didn’t want to be in my own and have the hassle of splitting everything up. Hope you feel better soon.

@Hopehope75 I'm going through a divorce at the moment and am dreading feeling like you do. I envisage having exactly the same feelings. Me and my ds are very close and I do most of the parenting. I'll be bereft not being there with him every day.
I can't stay with my stbexh though. He makes my skin crawl and I feel so uncomfortable in the house when he is here. But then there are times when I think about the things that we did together as a family and it makes me sad that that will not be happening in the future. Part of me is clinging onto the fact that we could still do things together even after we divorce and move into our separate homes but I don't know if I'm kidding myself
My friends who have separated from their long term partners seem to have adjusted okay though.
I've had counselling which has been really helpful. I'll definitely be dipping into this support as things progress. Maybe it's something that is worth you thinking about?

I think i read somewhere that when Helena Boham Carter was with Tim Burton they lived together but in adjoining houses. They both had there own spaces/house but there was "communal " spaces as well (that's what money buys you)
So basically you get the best of both worlds. You can do what you like but also spend time together. It sounded perfect to me. If you want to paint your lounge lime green, go paint you lounge lime green and no one can winge at you. If you want 7 Great Danes and a goldfish, go for it.
Unfortunately we don't all have the wealth to live like that.

SORRY - wrong thread 🤐

I think in some cases a couple who have issues might be better staying together anyway but really don’t think you were in that category. I don’t see how you could have been happy long- term or even safe staying. I think you’re mourning the loss of the family unit, which is completely understandable, but you didn’t really have the option of keeping it.

But it doesn’t mean that leaving and living separately is ideal or easy.

I would say being a single parent without the father having the children much / at all is really hard too. I’m lucky in a way in that I get to have my children the majority of the time but also I’m not always the best parent to them as I’m exhausted and burnt out and I feel really guilty about that. I’d be a much better parent if I had them less, even just in a practical sense in that I could cook / clean / catch up on work etc while they weren’t there.

Equally I don’t really have to worry about money (and I’m very fortunate to be in that position) but keeping a high pressure career going alongside the children also isn’t ideal for anyone- in reality the children end up in childcare a lot or I’m stressed / disorganised a lot of the time when I’m with them.

So I don’t think there’s any perfect set up here.

I still wouldn’t want to go back to my ex because there is no way we could live happily together.