Would you go?

[An0n1]

A close relative of my stbxh has passed away and funeral is tomorrow. I'm not on good terms with stbxh and he has no contact with our children for good reason but I've been making a lot of effort to maintain good relationships with my in laws and trying to keep it very separate so my kids aren't missing out on a relationship with them. They fully understand and accept the decision for my children not to see their dad.

My family think I need to go to the funeral (would involve a day off work and a 4 hr drive) in order to maintain good relationships with in laws however I think a card would be sufficient and I feel it would be inappropriate for me to go especially if stbxh was there, I've no desire to see or speak to him or be in the same room as him and if he does go I imagine he wouldn't want me there either. A lot of his family have disowned him due to his behaviour so I'm not sure if he'd be there or not but I've noone to ask to find this out who isn't directly grieving.

Can you ask the in laws? Explain you don't want to see him but will come if it's important to them?

Seems a bit crap for your STBX
i can’t understand why his parents would genuinely give a fig if you were there, if anything just creating tension.

Send a card and mention a get together with the children. That will be much more appreciated I reckon

I wouldn’t go, no. Send a card, move on.

And tell your family to 🤐on matters that don’t concern them!

The funeral is… tomorrow

haven’t you left it a teeniest bit late to be considering an 8 hour round trip and a day off work?

* however I think a card would be sufficient*

Have you sent a card already?

Just send a card.

The last thing anyone wants is drama at a funeral.

The OP’s family seem to be gunning for it (and the OP)

I've only been told. I'm not sure if I've been told with the expectation that I attend or not. It was an anticipated death so everything was pre-planned and has moved quickly. I think my in laws feel they need to make a lot of effort with me to keep things good for their grandkids which is fair enough and I think there's a misplaced sense of responsibility for their sons behaviour that they take on themselves which they don't need to.

"Seems a bit crap for your STBX" im not getting into the why behind our separation but he has absolutely noone to blame but himself and is now reaping the natural consequences. It's not a normal separation, he was living two separate lives.

You have been told today about the funeral tomorrow

no one thought to tell you sooner because it clearly did t occur to them that you would attend

so don’t

It’s a bit crap for your ex because it’s his close relative
so why rock up and create tension all around

his parents are unlikely to give a toss if you’re there (indeed they didn’t tell you about the funeral). They would like to see their grandchildren… so focus on that whether you attending a funeral is appropriate.

I would call your ILs to pass on your condolences and say that you’ll be thinking of them all on the day but will stay away from the funeral to avoid any unpleasantness or awkwardness.

And maybe ask about sending flowers or preferred charity donations.

No, of course you shouldn't go. Cards and phone calls are fine in these circumstances.

My FIL died soon after my ex husband and I separated. I was asked not to attend. At the time I was devastated. However I look back now and I think I wanted to attend for me not him or their family. Either way I don’t carry any ill feeling and now understand why my presence would have been distressing.

I'm more than happy not to attend, I don't want to go for all the reasons listed so far my parents just made me doubt myself. I won't go and I'll send a card.