Considering separation, grateful for advice on practicalities

[loulou1979]

Hi, my husband of 20 years and I had a really honest conversation about our future recently. Neither of us are happy and we’ve drifted apart. We haven’t made a definite decision to split yet but I think it’s likely. We get on fine, no arguments, so we are hoping it would be an amicable split. We have 2 kids age 15 and 12 and a mortgage, but unfortunately no savings. We both work full time. Is it even possible for one of us to move out when we have no no savings? Do people normally sell the family home and downsize to 2 smaller homes? We’d probably share custody 50/50. Its incredibly overwhelming and very sad but if it’s the right thing then we’ll have to find a way forward

I could have written your post almost word for word, except I haven’t worked up the courage to talk to dh yet. No advice for you I’m afraid but hope it all works out ok.

I hope you both manage to stay civil and constructive as it sounds like you are at the moment. In your situation (FT work for both, 50/50 planned) yes I would imagine you will need to sell the family home and each find something cheaper. I know some people do the setup with the family home as a base for the kids and the adults take turns living there but I’m not sure it works (I would hate it).

Could you wait until your eldest has done their GCSE’s? 15 is a horrible age to have to deal with parental fck ups on top of everything else?

(I’m a parent, totally understand where you’re coming from. We all fck up sometimes but sometimes are worse than others).

I hope you manage to keep it amicable - must be so much easier for you and the children, if so. If one can’t buy the other out, you’ll need to sell the house and split the equity. Agree it’s a tough age for the 15 year old in particular to go through all this. Could you - would you - continue living ‘together but apart’ in the house until after exams maybe?

It depends on each people’s circumstances

is there enough equity to sell and buy two properties, if not is one of you materially higher earner therefore higher mortgage capacity. Can one of you buy out the others share? Can you delay separation while eldest does GCSEs? ( not a good time to disrupt)

Will depend if you’re amicable and civi

its common for fmh to be sold and split but sometimes this is avoided if there’s other assets and money to do so

Waiting for GCSEs makes sense, also gives time to save some money. My daughter is taking 2 GCSEs in 2026, 4 in 2027 and my son will do his in 2028 so it would be difficult to avoid GCSE years completely. But between June and sep 2026 would probably have the least impact. We’re on great terms, we still love each other but we’ve become friends rather than husband and wife 😢

Hey! Going through a separation myself just now. I could have written a similar post to yours four weeks ago!

What I would say is while we were on great terms and really trying to make the separation work for both, unfortunately it hasn't taken long for the cracks to start showing and tensions are already building (e.g. trying to formalise what to do with the house - which we'd previously agreed).

While we had agreed my partner would move out, I found living together for even a short while to be absolutely brutal.

Everyone's emotions and feelings will move at different paces, and that's where we're coming unstuck. When/if it does, you'll need to start looking out for yourself. It's bloody awful.

If you can't save money in the present circumstances, it's unlikely you will do so while running two separate households. What are your old-age provisions?

Whilst staying together for GCSEs sounds on the surface good, can you really commit to this as then it will be a levels?

If financially you can sell and then buy two separate houses (you may need to interim rent one as coordinating all 3 sounds a nightmare!) then sooner may better do the dc can settle before exam season.

We split once a levels were completed, you really are not alone in this situation

I stayed living together with my ex for 3 years after we agreed to separate to avoid GCSEs for both children. Was hard but doable !

If you're happy enough, why not wait until both kids have gone through important exams? No real rush, you can both save and plan etc but keep stability.

Another one here who would sit it out in your situation. You sound like you are in an amicable relationship. I am not and I'm still waiting it out until eldest does a set of exams (and it is very difficult as there is emotional abuse towards me). I have had to prioritise eldest dc. Fortunately, I have a large enough age gap between dc's to time divorce for minimial disruption. I think I would take my time in your situation.

In your position I'd wait. Sounds like you have a decent relationship, albeit not the starry eyed Hollywood love story. If that's the case, I don't see the rush?

OP I too could have written your post to a tee. We have chosen not to wait out GCSEs...the kids were fine with the idea of us splitting (I think they realise we're not happy together even no real conflict was in the house) and they're both excited about moving onto new lives with two houses. We're in the process of selling the family home (and rent a flat which we take it in turns staying in) and yes there will be significant compromise on downsizing to afford two smaller properties, but, when you know it's the right thing why wait. Happy parents = happy children/teenagers. Personally the sadness of still cohabiting was engulfing- the only way to begin to rebuild is to get moving with things before cracks start showing etc imo. You're not alone x

Sorry to read this. The only advice o have is to sit down and try to draw out what life might look like in scenario a (split now), scenario b (plan for 12-18 months), etc, and figure out financial as well as familial implications - who’d live where, how you’d afford two separate lives, uni in a few years time, and work backwards.