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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Fiance has left me when I am 29 weeks pregnant

22 replies

Jn123 · 21/02/2025 16:17

Hi,
Just looking for some advice. I am 29 weeks pregnant with my first child and my partner has left me. We moved in together at the same time I got pregnant and his daughter (8) also moved in with us full time at the same time. I've struggled massively with having to care for his daughter and have found this change very difficult. My fiance feels I have been very different, I'm not as physically affectionate now as I was before and my mood has not been good throughout this pregnancy. I feel my partner has no understanding of this. It all came to a head when I expressed my concerns about how I will manage his daughter and the new baby trying to do school runs etc. I expressed that I felt relieved when she said she wanted to live with her mam again and that I do not feel I have a bond or connection with her. There has been a lot of big changes over the past 6 months which I have struggled with. My finance has left and states he is not willing to try to fix or work on the relationship. Can anyone offer any advice? Maybe some perspective on the situation?
Thank you.

OP posts:

Crushed23 · 21/02/2025 16:18

Why on earth were you looking after this daughter? Why can't he do it?

StormingNorman · 21/02/2025 16:36

His daughter is a non-negotiable. You basically told him you didn’t feel anything for his daughter and he chose not to subject her to a family where she wasn’t loved.

It’s a shame that it also broke up your new baby’s family, but he can create a family with his two children where all are loved and equal.

Your child will be the step child in any new relationship you have and you’ll understand his feelings if their step parents feels the way you did towards them.

Were you honest with him about your feelings towards his daughter before you got pregnant?

Mrsttcno1 · 21/02/2025 16:38

How long have you been together OP?

WhatFreshHellisThese · 21/02/2025 16:42

Don't see why you had to look after his daughter. Can't he care for his own child?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/02/2025 16:43

I'm sorry OP this must be very distressing. However it doesn't sound like it was a viable relationship, with or without the pregnancy. Try and focus on you and baby now.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 16:44

As much as I don’t think you should have had to care for her daughter, the fact you said you were relieved she won’t live with you and have no connection or bond means he’s done the right thing. He can’t have his child live in those circumstances, too many people are raised by step parents who don’t want them, and it is very damaging. However you’re pregnant. So he needs to co parent with you.

the right decision was made for his daughter.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 16:46

Your child will be the step child in any new relationship you have and you’ll understand his feelings if their step parents feels the way you did towards them.

this. In future if a man tells you he will be relieved if your child doesn’t live with you and he has no connection or bond, I hope you behave as this man did and end it.

AmeliaTangfastic · 21/02/2025 16:51

It wasn't your job to look after his dd for him. He is her dad and you are step mum which is a different dynamic completely.

However, if I had a new partner and one of my children decided they wanted to live with their dad because they realised new partner didn’t care for them...and then my partner said he was relieved... yeah, I'd dump him tbh.

JemimaFlubberCluck · 21/02/2025 16:59

He has a daughter already, they are a package deal. It sounds like you forced him to effectively choose between her and you. He quite rightly chose his daughter. How could he stay with someone who didn’t accept her too?

Bubbleplumb · 21/02/2025 17:02

How awful for that child. As much as it wasn't your place to look after the child per se you were about to be this family unit and she was included in that. your ex obviously didn't want his child to feel unwanted. It is unfortunate you couldn't have worked out you didn't want to play step mum before falling pregnant.

Miaowzabella · 21/02/2025 17:06

Step-parenting is a minefield. You are better off out of it.

ThejoyofNC · 21/02/2025 17:06

I don't know what else you could have expected him to do after all that you said.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/02/2025 17:12

It sounds like your ex’s daughter has had a lucky escape.

UpMyself · 21/02/2025 17:12

You are the unpaid nanny-housekeeper who your 'employer' impregnated and fired when the wasn't sex wasn't freely available.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 17:17

ThejoyofNC · 21/02/2025 17:06

I don't know what else you could have expected him to do after all that you said.

Absolutely. I am not sure what else the op expected. Yes some men and women will fuck their own kid off for a new partner, but any decent one doesn’t. The child always comes first.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 21/02/2025 17:27

I felt relieved when she said she wanted to live with her mam again and that I do not feel I have a bond or connection with her.

While your ex seems like a dick for whining about sex and making you parent his kid for him, no parent on earth should continue to date a person who said the above.

Can you find somewhere to live, and plan for co-parenting your child with the man?

millymollymoomoo · 21/02/2025 18:50

I think you’ve been given a hard time here op

it IS hard step parenting. It IS hard juggling children and newborns even when they’re your own. It can be hard to bond with someone e else’s children. That doesn’t make you a bad person or horrible to her, I’m sure op was perfectly nice and caring to the child and struggled in silence until now

also remember op has hormones flying around d and is going through massive changes herself right now.

op I think this man is not good for you. He sounds like he wants you to be a nanny to his child to make his life easier. They’d not on. Especially if he can’t understand how you feel or allow you to voice your concerns about how you’ll cope.

concentrate on your pregnancy, take care of yourself and start to think about what co parenting might look like for you

Sassybooklover · 21/02/2025 19:33

I lived with a man who had two sons, that lived with him full-time. The boys saw their Mum every other weekend. He worked full-time in a job with early starts and it was obvious from the start I would be the main carer. I accepted that, and I built wonderful bonds with both boys. We split after 4 years and now I am older, I see that I was nothing more to him than a glorified nanny. I went into the relationship knowing I would be the main carer, by the sounds of it when you started dating your partner his daughter lived with her Mum? So, at no point before you lived together did you think you might end up being the main carer to a young child, who you didn't have much of a bond with? I'm guessing that may be, you hadn't dated long before living together? When you date someone who has a child, they come as a package, regardless if the child lives with them full-time or not. There is always a possibility the child may want to live with the non-resident parent permanently. Yes, you had every right to feel anxious about how you will cope getting his daughter to school etc, and managing two children. However, you stated to your partner relief that his 8 year old daughter was going back to live with her Mum, as you felt you have no bond or connection with her! You have every right to feel that way but oh boy, if you used those exact words, it's not any wonder your partner is upset and unwilling to entertain reconciliation with you. It was blunt, cold and bloody insensitive. He now probably believes you dislike his daughter and never wanted her in your life on any level. I'm not sure there's any way of coming back from the comment, other than apologising for being insensitive, and explaining yourself. You will both have to find some common ground, because you will need to co-parent your baby.

UpMyself · 21/02/2025 19:42

It's quite a coincidence that your SD moved in when you and your DP moved in together, @Jn123 .
I have a feeling that the full-time step-mothering was dumped on you without prior discussion.
Good luck with your pregnancy.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/02/2025 19:53

So, as soon as you moved in with him he unilaterally decided that he could now accommodate his daughter because of your presence? Cheeky bugger. It doesn't sound as if you signed up for immediately becoming a 24/7 step mother. It's one thing understanding that his daughter has an important place in his/your life but quite another to have her being your responsibility 24/7 whilst coping with all your own changes.

UpMyself · 21/02/2025 20:28

Wonder why he is no longer with his DD's mother and how long before he finds a new nanny-housekeeper.

Sorry if I seem mean @Jn123 , but he sounds like a bas**rd.

Tulipsandaffodils · 21/02/2025 20:31

neilyoungismyhero · 21/02/2025 19:53

The op never wrote that, it could have been a joint agreement or the child could already have been moving in and the op offered to help care for her.

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