Advice on emotional side of separation (please!)

[Notahandmaid]

Hi everyone
I'd be really grateful for any advice on handling the emotional side of the separation I'm going through.

Brief history - ExDP got ill last summer and he really changed at that point. Things went downhill after that and he seemed to check out of our relationship then. Has other things going on - hates job, various health issues etc, big birthday coming up. Few other things.

After months of getting the cold shoulder and me trying to fix things, during which time I was admitted to hospital very ill, and he went abroad two days after I'd gone in and left me, I sat him down to ask what was wrong. He blew up at me with all these ridiculous grievances, rewrote history etc. It feels like the classic MLC and I found an old thread with the MLC script that ticks all the boxes.

I have seen a counsellor and she's said that he doesn't appear to do intimacy. He seems to have just switched off to me and our relationship. Our relationship was good - not perfect - but then I don't think anyone's is. He'd always been a bit moody and I'd just assumed that he'd snap out of the recent spell. In the end, I snapped, and forced a split because I felt he wanted out of the relationship but didn't have the guts to say. He's made out that I'm the villain of the piece to friends and family, despite crying on me and admitting that he knows he's got intimacy issues (he did this exact thing to someone previously) and that his other issues have played a part, and that he knows he's not treated me well. I asked if we could go for counselling just so we could end things in a nicer way as I feel that I hate him right now and I don't want to feel like this but he wouldn't do it.

We live together and he says he wants to keep the house (I can't afford to). I have a place I rent out but I can't move back in until the summer as it's tenanted until then. I couldn't bear to be in the same house with him and was going to move out until the summer but he then offered to move in with someone he knows as a house share in the meantime.

He was going to move out this week but I found out yesterday that he is planning on coming back to live/work at our house when I'm away looking after my mum. I spend about a week every two to three weeks at my mum's caring for her. I feel that I need a clean break from him at least for a while in order to heal and the only thing keeping me going was knowing that he would be gone soon. I don't want him coming back to the house, though I know I can't stop him as he's paying for half of it still. I had a bit of a meltdown. He is appearing to be all reasonable and calm and, if anyone saw our text messages, they'd think he's being all nice and I'm the insane one.

I think part of the problem is that I'm getting nothing from him - no closure, no explanations, no emotion - and now he's encroaching on the space I thought I was going to get over the coming months.

I've got on with sorting out all the practical affairs. I've pushed ahead with sorting out anything financial (I'm going to be significantly worse off after this split) and have been clearing and tidying the house in order to get it valued for when he buys me out. That's the only way I feel I have any control over the situation.

Can anyone help on how to manage my emotions so I don't look completely insane to everyone? I feel that he's greyrocking me now and has been for a while.

(And, I know people will ask if there's OW involved. I don't think there is as, last time I saw him, he looked a complete mess, and it sounds as if men make an effort if there's an OW involved. He did the same thing to me as he did with his previous marriage and there wasn't OW involved then.)

(Sorry for long post....struggling today....)

So sorry to hear you're going through this. It is tough.
I would suggest counselling. Working through things is really beneficial.
As for closure... it doesn't exist in the same of giving you a reason. He has given you reasons as to why that person and that relationship do not provide you with what you need/want. That is the closure you have and what you need.

With the house, could you put some boundaries in place such as he uses the other bedroom only... or can you move in with your mum asap. I think cutting as much contact as possible makes complete sense, but you can only control your actions.

Fingers crossed for you.

Thanks for replying @BookArt55
I have been for one session of counselling last week and have another next week. I am staying with my mum for the week so can't go for counselling this week.
I would move in with my mum for the time being but she lives two hours from my home and I work another hour away on top of that. I have to go into the office once or twice a week.
My ExDP doesn't have to be there at all. His job is based near where my mum and his parents are - two hours from our home.
We were living in the same house but I couldn't handle being around the person who has treated me so badly, rejected me, and made no effort to try to fix our relationship. I was going to move out but he offered to move out until I can move into my rental house. However, I feel he's misrepresented the terms to me by saying that he will be coming back when I'm not there.

It's all so hurtful. And he seems to be ok. I think that's what I'm struggling with.

I think choosing what you need to heal and move on is priority. Do what you need. Do not consider his needs.
Direct communication about the living situation and him staying permanently away needs to happen if it hasn't already. If he is choosing to go against your wishes then that tells you everything you need to know- he is prioritising himself and not you. He doesn't really care about what you need.

You can do this. It will be hard. In a year you will be glad your got out and not being treated in this manner..

Dear OP I know how you feel as I have been through similar recently. I was with my ex for over twenty-five years when I decided I could not any more. When I decided to take matters in my own hands and end it he offered to move out but only when he finds affordable housing (we do not own). We ended up living together for four months after we separated. We also slept in the same room as we did not have a spare and he did not want to tell the kids. I decided to sleep on the floor because I could not sleep in the same bed any more. It was very, very hard.

What I did to help were therapy, meditation, walking, socializing, anything really, I could think off. My whole life I kept everything to myself, so when I decided to leave him it felt really good for a while to talk about it, to my family and friends. It is going to be really hard OP, you have to get ready for it, but the good news is, it will be over eventually and then you will be free. Hang in there.❤️

Thank you @livelovelough24
I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time of it. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to have to have shared a bedroom with your ex for a few months.

I'm struggling because I didn't want to end the relationship. I wanted to try to make things work as there was nothing in our relationship that couldn't have been fixed - with some outside help, but that's ok. And I feel consumed by anger and hatred towards my ex and I don't want to be. If anything, it's even worse now than it was when we first split up a couple of months ago.

It hasn't helped that he said he would move out for a few months, which would have given me my own space and a clean break for a while, but then said he was going to come back and stay when I'm away looking after my mum. It's not my own space then. I am trying to do all the right things - am having counselling, am keeping fit and active, and am seeing friends - but am still struggling.

It didn't help that I was due to take his mum out on Sunday, and then was going to back off from his family, but she messaged me yesterday morning to cancel. She did it politely and didn't give a reason. I think it was because I had a meltdown on him (via text) when he said he would be coming back to stay at the house after telling me he was moving out. I suspect his parents think it's unreasonable of me to ask him to stay away from the house completely.

It would have helped if he'd have agreed to some couples counselling, at least to end things in a better way, but he wouldn't even do that.