Navigating separation - what do mums fill the time with when not their time with the kids?

[AmplePinkBear]

So separated at new year. Solicitors involved and we told our children at the weekend. They are staying at the family home and myself and my STBXH are taking turns to be there with them to get into the new routine until we sell the house and get 2 seperate homes.

so currently on my first night away back at my parents as it’s his night with the kids. What do other mums do in this in between phase? Feels so odd to be away from them. But also as we are still in the initial phases so not in our own houses yet, I can’t really do anything productive when it’s my night off in terms of housework etc.

feel like I’ve lost my ability to just let time pass by without doing a million things.

any tips or advice welcome.

When I split with my first husband, I joined the gym, joined a running club, went to netball. Lots of exercise! I couldn't sit around not in my DNA.

Have a nice meal, read a book, see friends, watch TV, gym.

This is what girlfriends are for.

Thanks I will defo be getting more of a social life back , and hope to join the gym. Any good tv recommendations welcome!

Never mind tv get your arse out of the house while you can.

Watch tv when the kids are with you and in bed.

One of my colleagues has a flexible working pattern so works longer days when her children are with their dad so she can do shorter days when they are with her.

Yes- save the TV for when the kids are with you.

Things I did when they were either their dad;

• Work
• Food shopping and meal planning
• Gym and classes
• Birthday/xmas present shopping well in advance!
• If It’s cold- find somewhere nice to sit in the car and read a book, fish and chips etc!
• Meet friends
• Dates (after a while!)
• Long walks - beach, countryside etc
• Declutter and tidy kids bedrooms, go thru clothes etc.
• In the summer - gardening in the evening
• Clean the car out without worrying kids are going to run off the drive into the road
• Wander round garden centres

Can you tell I like doing things on my own 🤣-

I do understand the 'save the tv' comments, but actually I found I needed to give myself time to process and heal. If that means sitting under a blanket watching TV for a bit, there's no harm in that. Maybe just try and mix it up with a walk, a drink with friends etc or substitute the tv for a cinema trip?

This stage is exhausting. You don't need to be constantly doing 'exciting' things. That'll come in time.

I worked flexibly so I would do very long days those days (and some work on "his " weekends) and then school hours only (plus extra when they were in bed) when they were with me. It enabled me to climb the career ladder quite quickly.
Plus I went swimming /to the gym/ for a run
Met friends for drinks
Relaxed in a bubble bath with a good book

Now they are older and I don't need to do school runs I use my free time for volunteering (I have made good friends that way), learning a language, learning to sew, binge watching box sets, getting out and about with the dog, DIY

But the main thing I did was using the time to climb the career ladder so I was no longer dependent on him. So empowering as he is very abusive but at least he has no financial hold over me now

This is so very true. It's fine to doomscroll /lie in a dark room and howl/binge watch old favourites.

I found it incredibly hard to ‘switch off’ to the point where I could really relax, and found myself constantly trying to busy myself and distract. I did this for a year and then had a full on breakdown as I’d not really processed anything and had been living in fight or flight. I’ve made a conscious effort this year to stop, write feelings down, and take care of myself. I’ve watched more tv and read more books these last few months than I have in years (would recommend Disclaimer, Collateral, Severance and Until I Kill You (I think it’s called) and I’m feeling a lot calmer. I’ve taken up art again and am learning piano. Things I really want to do, for me, but don’t necessarily ‘serve’ the kids and I’ve found it’s really helping x

Thank you everyone loads of great suggestions there. Some I can’t do as when I’m not with them I can’t be in the house as he’s there. I just feel like this will all be easier once we have our own homes. Financially things are a little tight after paying some solicitors fees which is impacting the ability to go out socialising as much as I’d like. But I can walk, join the gym, read, watch tv, clean the car (that will be a first!) etc. and it’s great to hear about people doing things differently,
processing it all.
i feel like I built up telling the kids so much that now we have and they are just getting on with it in a bit lost as to what to worry about, focus on next.